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Hey Viv, no gum

What if cricketers were paid to give up what they are remembered for?

Samantha Pendergrast

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Dennis Lillee and Javed Miandad clash, Australia v Pakistan, Perth, November 17, 1981
Dennis Lillee didn't take kindly to Javed Miandad's remark that cummerbunds could make you look like you had gained a few pounds © ESPNcricinfo Ltd

In the latest James Bond film, Skyfall, you may not see the superspy order the shaken-not-stirred vodka martini because Heineken has signed a deal with the franchise to have him shown drinking beer. Imagine if cricket's iconic symbols ran into some marketers. Here's how the PR would spin it.

Viv Richards
Tired of seeing your favourite destructive batsman masticate like a cow trying to look casual at the farmhouse party? Don't worry, help is here. A leading cosmetics brand has bought the right to draw attention away from King Viv's powerful jaw to his luscious lips. You will now see the master blaster carefully dab on your favourite lip gloss ("Carib Sugah" flavour) at the start of every over. So copy his style without any aching jaws!

Sachin Tendulkar
The National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences of the United States is proud to announce that in the lead-up to the 2013 Grammys and its plan to commemorate the King of Pop, it has got Sachin Tendulkar to give up his crotch-adjustment technique for the crotch-grab that wowed music fans for three decades. "It was a no-brainer, really," said a NARAS spokesperson. "He wears white gloves, has a shrill voice, and has recently shown a desire to change the way he looks. His abdomen-guard adjustment was just a bonus."

Dennis Lillee
Lillee will now model for your favourite couture label, giving up his headband for a comely cummerbund. The waist-cinching garment is expected to become a rage in cricketing circles because of its utility. "You can tuck in a few essentials, like a tub of vaseline, bottle corks, a filer, and some cash for on-field use," said a spokesperson for the label. "Players also love diving around once they put on our cummerbunds because the padding protects their midriffs. But the best part is that viewers no longer have to see bowlers' shirts lift up to reveal their underwear labels. I'm like, ugh!"

F1 fans, say hurray! Bernie Ecclestone has landed a major coup by bringing the joy of motorsport to other sports. You will get to hear the revs of an engine while watching cricket now that the FIA has bought rights to have "Vroom vroom" accompany every drive on the field.
Note from the ICC: We will make it mandatory for the fielding captain to assign two men in the inner circle to make the necessary sounds.

Allan Donald
Skincare is important, even while bowling fast. Which is why, in a bid to encourage healthy habits, Donald has agreed to replace his zinc cream with blackhead removal strips.

Denis Compton
Your mother refuses to let you colour your hair because it's not what good boys do? Sorry, mom, but Compo says they do. See the original Brylcreem boy give up the slick look for a streaked look. A new colour for every day of the week! Monday blues gets a whole new meaning.

Shoaib Akhtar
The international Air Traffic Controllers guild has asked Shoaib Akhtar to desist from his trademark wicket celebration immediately, and all airline passengers are advised that this isn't how planes are actually flown. After negotiations, Shoaib has agreed to alter his celebrations to demonstrate passenger-safety procedures instead. You can never be too safe.

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Comments: 11 
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Posted by Dummy4 on (November 3, 2012, 10:05 GMT)

Afridi's hairstyle n K. Akmal and Balaji's toothpaste smiles can be tweaked to

Posted by Subhasish on (November 3, 2012, 5:47 GMT)

Humor (as opposed to vaudeville or slapstick) is something that requires imagination on the part of the reader / viewer. I could not resist a chuckle on visualizing a few of the characters/situations mentioned above!

Posted by VINODK on (November 3, 2012, 5:29 GMT)

@Meesey, Ur being a bit harsh. Agreed that he wasnt a great bowler like those u mentioned but he was a pretty good one beset with injuries and attitude problems. But the talent was definitely there

Posted by Dummy4 on (November 2, 2012, 22:07 GMT)

okie now i am convinced that no list is complete without sachin tendulkar :P

Posted by Dummy4 on (November 2, 2012, 20:08 GMT)

Actually Bond drinks shaken-not-stirred vodka martini in Hong Kong while sitting with Sévérine ....floating casino

Posted by Richard on (November 2, 2012, 14:13 GMT)

Wasim_007 He was a junkie who threw the ball. Great bowlers were Akram,Ambrose,Warne.

Posted by Mohd on (November 2, 2012, 11:08 GMT)

Shoaib celebrations was very unique and delightful.....Great Bowler....Great Akhtar......

Posted by Talha on (November 2, 2012, 9:43 GMT)

Humour is a different thing but kindly exclude Late Denis Compton from the list. Its not funny at all

Posted by Muhammad on (November 2, 2012, 9:18 GMT)

After negotiations, Shoaib has agreed to alter his celebrations to demonstrate passenger-safety procedures instead. Hahahhaa.. That was super funny.

Posted by Rajat on (November 2, 2012, 8:51 GMT)

the last one is the best!!! I actually started to imagine that. Bwahahahaha.. !!

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