The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

Agony Aunt

How to live with yourself when you hate Test cricket

Your existential and other problems solved by our new agony aunt

Trish Plunket

Comments: 4 | Text size: A | A
Shane Warne, Luke Wright and Peter Handscomb are disappointed after the defeat, Perth Scorchers v Melbourne Stars, BBL semi-final, Perth, January 16, 2013
Shane Warne's team-mates look uncomfortable when they realise his handkerchief is not folded left point over right © Getty Images
Enlarge
Related Links
Players/Officials: Marlon Samuels | Shane Warne
Teams: India | New Zealand

Even though I really am trying my best, everyone who is even peripherally involved in New Zealand cricket seems to think I'm a terrible meanie. Even my mum refuses to speak to me! I'm getting pretty tired of this. Do you think that I should try my hand somewhere else - somewhere that they don't seem to mind bad guys? I'm thinking of heading to the BCCI, asked Coach Villain
I'm afraid I will have to scupper your plans. For if you are who I think you are, your problems don't come from your evil manipulations, rather from your inability to keep your evil manipulations under wraps. You also haven't managed to cultivate an aura of being misunderstood, put upon, or even picked up an adorable pet to distract the masses.

Quite frankly, dear, you're more a henchman than a supervillain, and the BCCI would eat you alive. I would suggest either finding a supervillain whose cause you can support, or beginning work on building a secret lair in a volcano.

I may have made some silly comments regarding losing in the 2007 World Cup being more painful than a couple of overseas Test defeats. How can I live this down? asked Foot-in-Mouth
We all say some silly things, often under the influence of alcohol. Were you drunk at the time? That may go some way to explaining your faux pas. If not, I would look to politicians for an indication as to how long this will be held against you.

Neville Chamberlain made that "Peace in our time" comment, and he's having it held against him posthumously. Let's say this is the worst-case scenario. Richard Nixon had "I am not a crook", which wasn't stupid as much as an outright lie. George W Bush said, "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" which will be the go-to statement about his eight years of presidency.

Perhaps you have a long history of saying this type of "silly thing" - that may lead to a reputation for speaking before you have quite finished thinking. Maybe going forward you could have a speech writer, or employ the services of a ventriloquist.

But really, Foot, I think you will have to get used to explaining what you said, because people will be asking for a very long time. Perhaps you could say you were misquoted?

I am a cricketer who hates Test cricket. How do I live with myself? asked One-Day Wonder
While you may be falling asleep with boredom every time you think of the good old days where men were men and the uniforms were white, fortunately for you the majority of the cricketing public shares your distaste for the game and your love of cheerleaders and beer. You don't want to have to wait five days for a drink, I understand that.

So here is the solution - you "retire" from Test cricket, go to the IPL and laugh all the way to the bank. This may not solve your existential crisis but it's much nicer to lounge around feeling your deep angst on 400-thread count sheets.

I have a problem of knocking over the bails when I run in to bowl. Coaches say they can't fix it because it's a mental thing. What do I do? asked Stumped
I assume you have already thought about becoming a wicketkeeper, as no one minds when they whip the bails off at every opportunity. However, if you are over five feet tall, you may have to try another strategy. Perhaps I am oversimplifying things a bit, but wouldn't taking a step or two to the right or left solve the issue entirely? Bowling around the wicket instead of over?

But if you are certain the problem is mental, you could take up aversion therapy. Perhaps every time you knock the bails off, the batsman gets to spank you with his bat?

I teach etiquette at a finishing school for young women. Do you think Warne and Samuels should enrol here? asked Mind your Ps and Qs
While both of those gentlemen could do with a dose of refining, allowing them to be in classes with impressionable girls is not a wise idea. Don't you think the constant swearing, smoking, drinking, womanising, and keeping their shirts untucked would cause a ruckus among the rest of your pupils? In fact, I think allowing Warne and Samuels to be within two miles of impressionable girls is not a wise idea. Do you teach correspondence courses?

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket lives, plays and works in Wellington, New Zealand

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 4 
Posted by ganirules on (January 29, 2013, 6:18 GMT)

What kind of pitches I should ask against aussies, rank turner no no Lyon is their and even clarke can bowl, not a bouncy track, most of us cannot play bouncers, a flat track?

Posted by CarDroid on (January 29, 2013, 3:15 GMT)

One-Day Wonder = Slinger Malinga?

Posted by KanAloshFozter on (January 28, 2013, 16:31 GMT)

Well Trish, it was nice. Enjoyed the Finn thing a lot. But I don't think using real names wouldn't do any harm.

Posted by tickcric on (January 28, 2013, 16:23 GMT)

Who is the One-Day Wonder? Perhaps Ryder. In fact there are several such wonders around the cricketing world.

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
More in The Heavy Ball
RSS FeedAll
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet