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England plan to bully Australia revealed

That and other dramatic news you're certain to have missed

R Rajkumar

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Matt Prior speaks to the media in Nagpur, World Cup 2011, February 20, 2011
"‚ĶAlso, we've got the three lions. They've got one Lyon" © Getty Images

England plan to "bully" Australia revealed
Just for once, says Matt Prior, it would be nice if England could do all the bullying during an Ashes series. "I've already picked out some particularly sour-tasting jelly beans to throw in front of some of their batsmen," giggled the England wicketkeeper, who has used this calorie-intensive harassing technique before, against India. "Also, I plan to target Clarke, their best player, by asking him what he drives. That always gets them." When told that Clarke drives a Ferrari, Prior looked stricken. "Well, whatevs. I'll bet none of them are using this great new beard-and-nose-hair trimmer I have, which is made completely out of platinum. I'll ask them, though, just to be sure."

Praveen makes Income Tax player pay
Praveen Kumar was recently pulled up after a Corporate Trophy match for repeatedly abusing an opposition player belonging to a team called, simply, Income Tax. Praveen has been banned for a couple of domestic games as a result, but given the opposition, rumour has it that his case for selection to the India national team is secretly being reconsidered by the BCCI.

Taylor, NZC bury the hatchet
Ross Tayor and coach Mike Hesson have finally buried the hatchet, according to sources. All seemed to go as planned when the hatchet, measuring about three feet and a relic left behind in New Zealand from the set of the Lord of the Rings franchise, was heaved out to a remote clearing just outside Christchurch. Unfortunately, depending on who you talk to, the hatchet "accidentally" fell out of Taylor's hands and struck Hesson across his right foot. To his credit, the quick-thinking coach then promptly shoved the severed foot into his mouth, thus resolving the feud.

Harbhajan still the best spinner in the country, says Harbhajan
Harbhajan Singh is still the best spinner in the country by a long shot, according to Harbhajan Singh. "Can there be any denying the Punjab offie's worth over the years?" Harbhajan asked rhetorically, as he went on a little victory parade around his mother's house upon learning of his selection, as worried family members looked on. "The numbers don't lie," added the cricketer, who only recently congratulated himself and gave thanks to God for earning a comeback to the national team, before being promptly dropped again.

Afridi to write children's book
Following on the heels of football legends Frank Lampard and Theo Walcott, it is now Shahid Afridi's turn to write a series of books aimed at children, fans will be pleased to learn. The publishers of such enduring classics as James and the Giant Peach and Where the Wild Things Are have confirmed that Mr Afridi will be publishing a series of picture books featuring such delightful characters as Shahid and the Small Cricket Ball He Thought Was a Giant Peach He Could Eat, and his adventures with his pet dog; and the moving story of a boy's horror on realising that what he had drunk deeply from was not the fountain of youth after all but a high-calorie vat of unrealised potential.

Kohli to stop using fairness cream on match days
According to reports, Virat Kohli is to stop using the fairness cream he endorses on match days, because, "It isn't working. Of late, I keep getting out just as I'm set. How is that fair, cream?" Reports add that the skin on his face has become so over-bleached that it is now visible from the moon.

Sri Lanka's emerging squad still not fully visible
Sri Lanka's emerging squad has been sighted, but is still not fully apparent, according to experts monitoring the team's squad. "We've sighted the front end of the team, and we think it's them, but are still not certain that it isn't a false alarm. It could be just another mirage." The wait continues.

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 3 
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Posted by Unmesh on (February 18, 2013, 16:50 GMT)

That 'fair'ness cream bit was really funny!!

Posted by Aniruddha on (February 18, 2013, 15:24 GMT)

LOL@Prior Love it!..would've been better if the article had been longer..

Posted by Dummy4 on (February 18, 2013, 8:51 GMT)

HHAHAHAHAHA the part about Afridi's ball biting

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