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Page 2

Alas, poor Mooresy

The inside story of how it all went down with the England coach's sacking

Alan Tyers
13-May-2015
Peter Moores addressed the media before England departed for Australia, Heathrow airport, London, January 6, 2015

"Yes, I do have a certain Jeremy Irons thing going on, from certain angles. What of it?"  •  Getty Images

A devastated Peter Mooresiband has paid the price for failure and been removed from his role, and the country now looks forward to an era of "steady economic accumulation for people from the right sorts of families" under its new Conservative leader Andrew Camerstrauss.
Camerstrauss will govern with a mandate to "tighten our borders to South African c****s", and provide "opportunities for young English people, especially from Yorkshire".
Camerstrauss, identified as a "not shy conservative", is "more of a small C than a big C," argued one supporter.
However, the populist KP party disagreed. "He's an absolutely an absolutely massive C," it said in a statement.
The KP party had been attracting strong support in heartlands such as Surrey but ultimately found England's unique system to be unassailable.
"Three and a half million runs and all KP gets is one seat on some sort of advisory committee? Where's the justice?" it said, before promising to retire and then not retire before possibly retiring again.
As to the unfortunate Mooresiband, it appears that the construction of a giant stone tablet with "data, lots of really important data" etched onto it proved the crushing blow to his credibility.
It had been hoped by Mooresiband and his supporters that the tablet would form an inspiration for future generations of England cricketers. Sadly, it was leaked to a hostile press, who mocked its so-called "Moores core values" of:
1 A strong foundation of taking the positives
2 Higher standards for hard-working dressing rooms
3 A data analysis department with time to care about data
4 As many foreign players as possible
5 An England cricket team always looking to go to the next level as a unit very much so yes
6 Good areas
The stone was constructed by data analysts at Loughborough under the tutelage of Colin Graves, leading to its unofficial nickname, "The Mediocre Gravestone".
Recent England matches had featured the team in various states of calamity and incompetence, while Mooresiband studied the large stone devoutly, like a tracksuited druid at his own private henge, looking for answers in its mysterious glyphs and runes. It, like Mooresiband, could not deliver.
Ultimately, the "shy conservatives" of England cricket had enough and acted swiftly to remove the hapless Mooresiband.
An insider explained that "due process had been followed and Mooresiband was removed from his role in the traditional manner, i.e. by us leaking it to the press and letting them stick the knives in to the extent where his position become humiliating and untenable".
With the KP threat now apparently neutralised for good, the major task facing Camerstrauss is to reshuffle a cabinet including a chairman, a chief executive, a managing director, a director (management), a CFO, a CEO, a CPO, a DISCO, a head of stats, a deputy head of stats, the head of elite player development, the head of not-very-good player development, the chairperson of inclusivity, the head of marketing, the director of marketing, the market porter, the bowling coach, the batting coach, the post-match interview coach and Gilo into a coherent leadership group.
"We need everyone pulling in the right direction so that there is a senior England cricket figure ready at a moment's notice to say something idiotic in the media or do a quick leak if needs be," said Camerstrauss. "The English cricket people have spoken and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to really shape the destiny of England cricket for 18 months or so before I too am leaked out of my post. Thank you and vote Conservative."
Mooresiband, from a humble background as a cone miner in Lancashire, had attracted praise for his tireless work with "hard-working cones, giving them the opportunity to be run around by ordinary cricketers" but ultimately the fact that he had never worn a blazer at the highest level proved his undoing.
His passing will be marked by a lot of articles concluding that he was "a decent man". The KP party will continue to lobby from the lunatic fringes of Piers Morgan's social media accounts.