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The Heavy Ball

Cricket's letters to Santa

Two front teeth? Apparently some of our leading lights want a little more for X'Mas

Alan Tyers
Kevin Pietersen arrives back at Heathrow Airport after England's series win in India, London, December 18, 2012

With his new back protector in place, designed to ward off the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Kevin Pietersen felt safe and loved  •  PA Photos

The most wonderful time of the year (Yuletide, not the Big Bash) is upon us, and the great and the good of cricket have been busy with their letters to Father Christmas
Stuart Broad
I would like a pony, please, Santa. I will look after him very nicely and brush his hair just like mine. Don't let me down on this. You know how cross I can get when I appeal for something and it doesn't go my way.
Sir Ian Botham
I would like you to have a reindeer here, here, here and here. I want three elves there, and another four there. And a short sled in here and here. I just cannot understand the point of flying over the rooftops in a defensive manner.
Justin Langer
Santa, mate, I have complied a dossier for you. I have marked children down as being "Naughty" or "Nice". Hope that helps.
Sachin Tendulkar
Dear Santa. I do not require anything for the holiday season, thank you, but I would like to ask: who do you think will retire first - you or me?
Virender Sehwag
I left you out a pies but I ated it. For Christmas I would like some more pies.
The Australian Seam Bowling Attack
G'day Santa, mate. We're not too strong on the old writing so we are writing you a joint letter. Starcy in charge of the words, Sidds does the punutc - the uncupunca - the punchycun - all them little dots and what have you, and Mitchell Johnson was in charge of licking the stamp. For Christmas we would like some metal legs and backs, cheers.
The ICC Fixture Schedulers
Dear Santa. We suggest you follow our lead and increase the frequency of your appearances. Think how much more magical (and lucrative!) Christmas would be if it happened every day.
Kevin Pietersen
Look Santa, buddy, it is not about what I want. It is about the team doing the best it possibly can. You know that. Like me, sure, you are the star of the show, but you need your elves and little helpers, just like I do. So just give my presents to the little people. Although I would still like a Ferrari, if that is okay.
We find so-called video evidence for your existence ("Elf", "Bad Santa" etc) to be unreliable, so will stick with the human-error method of parents sneaking into bedrooms late at night with gifts and hitting their shins on things, waking up the children and shattering their childhood innocence.

All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Give the gift of Tyers this Christmas, especially to people you don't like.