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TV review: new sitcom, Dharma and Watto

Ace Australian allrounder and top umpire provide a barrelful of laughs - or not

Alan Tyers
"How did you know my favourite button on a VCR is rewind?"  •  AFP

"How did you know my favourite button on a VCR is rewind?"  •  AFP

This article is a work of fiction
It looks like being the breakout hit of the summer - the odd-couple comedy starring Umpire Kumar Dharmasena and former Australia Test cricketer Shane Watson.
Dharma is a happy-go-lucky Elite Panel umpire, while Watto is a nervous allrounder who suffers from terrible decision-making and a fear of the paranormal.
A recent episode featured the pair getting into scrapes at Lord's when Watto was sent to get drinks for his team-mates.
With Mitchell Johnson insisting that he wanted a McDonald's McFlurry and some toys from a Happy Meal, the pair had no choice but to sneak out of Lord's. They hid behind Watto's giant cricket pad as cover. The scene that followed attracted a record number of viewer complaints.
Watto read out the lengthy order, which had been painstakingly written out in special baggy green crayon by Official Australian Team Brainy Bloke Adam Voges on a defaced edition of Michael Clarke's autobiography Splitting Ends: My way, my life, my haircare regime.
That was when the McDonald's employee made her first mistake.
"So you want 75 cheeseburgers, as many Hamburglar toys as we've got, ten cans of lager for Boof and a McFlurry. Let me just review that order," she said.
Watto panicked immediately, shouting: "I want to look at it again, oh no I don't, oh I'm so confused. Yeah go on. Review it."
Dharma meanwhile began shaking his head and squeaking: "Deny everything, Watto. We definitely didn't order a thing."
When reassured that there was no problem with the order, other than the lager, Dharma started nodding vigorously and said: "I was right all along. Forty-seven Chicken McNuggets, that's exactly what I said."
Further confusion ensued when madcap third character Chris Gaffaney (somewhat confusingly played by EastEnders favourite Dean Gaffney due to a contractual dispute) burst into the restaurant congratulating Dharma for his excellent decision-making.
Unseen by Watto, who was too busy reviewing his reflection in the mirror, the apparently disembodied voice of Gaffaney boomed throughout the restaurant: "Excellent choice, Kumar. Don't listen to what anyone else says. You're doing brilliantly."
Watto became distressed, under the impression that the McDonald's in Baker Street was in fact haunted by a spectral presence with a kindly and mellifluous New Zealand accent. He grabbed the order, tripped, slid in the McFlurry and tweaked a hamstring.
He faces an uphill battle to be fit for the next episode.

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
More such japes in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries