'English players will be drinking concrete milkshakes in Darwin'

It's still the Ashes. You might have noticed. We've been monitoring the players' Twitter feeds so that you don't have to endure their "banter". You're welcome.

This week's round-up features a whole two types of food that cannot be purchased at a well-known Portuguese-themed chicken outlet. It's a new record.

The Aussies
Not all Aussie cricketers have secured a win recently.

Disappointed about poker, but just had a swim in the 33 degree heat & treating myself to a large Hawaiian pizza for dinner,so feeling better

— Shane Warne (@warne888) November 30, 2013

Yes, it's important to maintain an appropriate diet as a sportsman.

7 Weet-Bix and milk before a days cricket! Brings back memories #raisedonweetbix #Ashes

— Brett Lee (@BrettLee_58) November 22, 2013

That'll require a lot of milk. Apparently, milk makes you strong.

English players will be drinking concrete milkshakes in Darwin so they can toughen up.

— Rodney Hogg (@RMHogg) November 26, 2013

But what food makes you accurate?

Had my first bowl back today in the nets. At least half of them landed on the pitch.

— Pat Cummins (@93Cummins) November 24, 2013

The Poms
These are stormy times for England.

A thunderstorm hits signalling the arrival of my mum and dad in Adelaide. How very Biblical

— Graeme Swann (@Swannyg66) December 2, 2013

But there are plenty of people volunteering to help out.

I'll bat at 3 if no one else wants to, I might be bruised by the end of it but I'd at least get the ball soft #ashes

— Paul Collingwood (@Colly622) December 3, 2013

Other former England players are less confident that they could contribute.

It does seem you are a better player once retired , flattered by the calls for my come back . Just a reminder 5-0 ! #inmyday

— fred flintoff (@flintoff11) November 24, 2013

But if he has nothing to offer physically, at least he can share his knowledge.

Slugs have 4 noses ! Good night x

— fred flintoff (@flintoff11) December 3, 2013

The non-smoker
Chris Gayle: role model.

Don't smoke Cigarettes, there are cooler ways to die.

— Chris Gayle (@henrygayle) December 1, 2013

The dishwasher
Chris Gayle: role model.

Anyone - have u ever accidentally splash your self when washing a spoon? #PissMeOff

— Chris Gayle (@henrygayle) December 1, 2013

It's a hard life.

Life with Kemar Roach
If there's one thing Kemar Roach is good at, it's delivering an opaque, context-free exclamation which sounds somehow positive despite a complete lack of meaningful detail.

Upper Echelon!

— Kemar Roach (@KemarAJR) November 25, 2013

Textbook.

Dont count the days, make the days count!

— Kraigg Brathwaite (@K_Brathwaite) December 2, 2013

Oh for a bit of negativity in this feature.

Jet-lag Watch
Somewhere in the world, there is always a professional cricketer complaining about jet lag. Nando's-loving Alex Hales finds himself in the wrong regular feature this week.

Jet lagged wandering the streets of Adelaide on my Todd.. What can I do?!

— Alex Hales (@AlexHales1) December 2, 2013

What can he do? What can he possibly, possibly do? England's Test squad are there. What are they doing?

Nando's Watch
They're making the most of Adelaide - that's what they're doing.

Nandos demolished! Now time for breaking bad #adelaide #ashes

— michael carberry (@carbs646) December 4, 2013

The entertainment
Adelaide's no Alice Springs, that's for certain.

Not everyone's cup of tea but enjoying the tractor & cattle price adverts on tv in Alice Springs! #greatidea

— Boyd Rankin (@boydrankin) December 4, 2013