The alternative IPL auction
How Hyderabad and Kolkata wrestled for Ishant, and other delights from a parallel universe

"Are you going to smash into the umpire in front, or shall I?" • AFP
With enormous piles of cash in their pockets and only two days to get rid of it, the franchisees embarked on an overspend orgy, flinging money at anything that looked like it might be able to slog a few over midwicket or throw down a couple of overs of tidy legspin.
The Yuvraj squabble grabbed the headlines, but the fiercest tussle came over the services of Ishant Sharma. At one point Shah Rukh Khan and Kalanidhi Maran were rolling on the floor pulling one another's hair as they tried to settle the matter.
The latest sequel in this popular series about the enduring love between wealthy Indian business people and random Australians told the heart-warming story of Brad Nobody, the Australian backpacker who wandered into the wrong conference room by mistake and who is now head coach of the Goa Goat-Keepers.
At one time Pathan Brothers Inc. was the hottest property in Indian cricket, the Microsoft of lower-middle order flailing. Pathan, I and Pathan, Y arrived for their matches in golden carriages pulled by unicorns and walked to their personal dressing rooms over carpets strewn with peacock feathers, rose petals, and used bank notes.
Once again, English cricket showed its strength by refusing to have anything to do with the IPL. Out of politeness, ten players were persuaded to put their names forward for the auction, but only KP attracted any bids. An ECB spokesman said this was a good result for the integrity of the English game, pointing out that no English players had been purchased, since KP was never very English and these days is even less English than he was before.
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here