BCCI composes FAQ in transparency bid
Indian board attempts to improve its image by becoming more accessible
R Rajkumar
03-Nov-2011
Sharad Pawar and Shashank Manohar: did you know they won an award for Best Pop Vocal Performance By a Duo or Group for their cover of Abba's "Money, Money, Money"? • AFP
In what appears to be a major public relations coup aimed at addressing recent allegations of a lack of transparency, the Board of Control for Cricket in India has decided to draft an FAQ to help answer queries and improve its image with the public. The FAQ currently contains questions the BCCI says it is most frequently inundated with on its website. The following is a sampling.
What does the "I" in BCCI stand for?
Your guess is as good as ours. It appears to be something left over from generations past, when the organisation stood for something. Something else, we mean, back in the days when it hadn't evolved as yet into the success that we clearly are today. We've chosen to let the mysterious "I" be for the time being, though some say it now stands for "Inconceivable." Others say it stands for "India", which is silly, because that implies our influence is limited to just one country.
Your guess is as good as ours. It appears to be something left over from generations past, when the organisation stood for something. Something else, we mean, back in the days when it hadn't evolved as yet into the success that we clearly are today. We've chosen to let the mysterious "I" be for the time being, though some say it now stands for "Inconceivable." Others say it stands for "India", which is silly, because that implies our influence is limited to just one country.
Why is India the only team that has the sponsor's name appearing larger than the team's name on the players' jerseys?
Simple. Chances are you already know which nation's team is playing the game when you turn on the TV. Or are you that stupid that you have to see it plastered over the uniform of each player? No, didn't think so. But not too many people know who the sponsor of the team is. Therefore, the sponsors deserve the greater exposure. We are nothing if not equal opportunity here at the BCCI.
Simple. Chances are you already know which nation's team is playing the game when you turn on the TV. Or are you that stupid that you have to see it plastered over the uniform of each player? No, didn't think so. But not too many people know who the sponsor of the team is. Therefore, the sponsors deserve the greater exposure. We are nothing if not equal opportunity here at the BCCI.
Can you explain what the symbols on the BCCI logo stand for?
Yes. It is basically the PCB logo surrounded by a raging ring of fire. Next question.
Yes. It is basically the PCB logo surrounded by a raging ring of fire. Next question.
Are allegations that the BCCI has an unjustifiably excessive influence over the ICC true?
Would you say that the sun has an unjustifiably excessive influence over the life it sustains on earth?
Would you say that the sun has an unjustifiably excessive influence over the life it sustains on earth?
How do I register a complaint with the BCCI?
Ha ha, good one. Here at the BCCI, we value and encourage humour, the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Ha ha, good one. Here at the BCCI, we value and encourage humour, the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Where is Steve Bucknor?
He sleeps with the fishes.
He sleeps with the fishes.
Where is Lalit Modi?
Sorry, who?
Sorry, who?
Where does all the money the BCCI makes go?
Here at the BCCI, we value and encourage humour, the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Here at the BCCI, we value and encourage humour, the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Would you like to comment on the allegations that the BCCI paid Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri to air and support its views while commentating?
No. Hey, do you think I'm sexy?
No. Hey, do you think I'm sexy?
What is the BCCI's stand on - wait, what?
A: Nothing. Next question, please.
A: Nothing. Next question, please.
What is the BCCI's stand on the DRS? Some people say the board's dealing with the issue was hypocritical.
Say what? The DRS was outed in England just a month ago for being the unpredictable, unthinking robot it is, proving that we were right all along in doubting its accuracy. You're welcome, world.
Say what? The DRS was outed in England just a month ago for being the unpredictable, unthinking robot it is, proving that we were right all along in doubting its accuracy. You're welcome, world.
Care to comment on the recent spot-fixing controversies plaguing the game?
The BCCI is always saddened to hear of innocent people being adversely influenced by the lure of big money.
The BCCI is always saddened to hear of innocent people being adversely influenced by the lure of big money.
What makes the BCCI so successful at getting pretty much anything it wants, no matter what the consequences?
Thank you. The hardworking folk at BCCI appreciate and value the high regard we enjoy today. The answer is as simple as it is beautiful: Money. No, that was a joke. Money doesn't get you express fast bowlers, for example. But we're working on that. Watch this space.
Thank you. The hardworking folk at BCCI appreciate and value the high regard we enjoy today. The answer is as simple as it is beautiful: Money. No, that was a joke. Money doesn't get you express fast bowlers, for example. But we're working on that. Watch this space.
What do you like to do in your spare time?
The BCCI is always very busy, but on the rare occasions when it does have some spare time, the organisation likes to go for long drives along the coast with its girlfriend, pausing along the way to throw eggs at Lalit Modi's former residence.
The BCCI is always very busy, but on the rare occasions when it does have some spare time, the organisation likes to go for long drives along the coast with its girlfriend, pausing along the way to throw eggs at Lalit Modi's former residence.
How do I apply for a job at the BCCI?
How much money do you have? Just kidding. Ha ha… should have seen the look on your face. But seriously, how much money do you have?
How much money do you have? Just kidding. Ha ha… should have seen the look on your face. But seriously, how much money do you have?
Will the government successfully manage to regulate the BCCI under the Right to Information Act?
"Will the government successfully manage to regulate the BCCI under the Right to Information Act?"
"Will the government successfully manage to regulate the BCCI under the Right to Information Act?"
Um… ?
No, seriously. You should hear some of the questions you people ask. This FAQ is over.
No, seriously. You should hear some of the questions you people ask. This FAQ is over.
Still can't find the answer you need? Email us, and we'll get back to you with "the truth." But please be warned: after you receive this email from us, you will die in seven days.
R Rajkumar hopes that writing about cricket helps justify his watching it as much as he does to the people in his life who wonder where the remote control's disappeared to.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?