Ageless body, pointless Zaheer

As a proud Indian I hold many things about my country in high esteem. This includes our food, our films, our cultural heritage, NASA, Bhutan, and of course, Roger Binny.

One of the things I am most proud of is the Indian body. By which I mean the physique of my fellow Indian men (e.g. Sreesanth) and women (e.g. Elizabeth Hurley). Now many foreign people often tell me that Indians are smaller, thinner and overall feebler than people of western countries such as England, Ireland or Scotland. To these people I usually say two things:

1. Sharad Pawar
2. This could be an optical illusion because you are very far away from us. If you come closer, we look bigger. This is why when Indians go to the US, they look normal size. For example: The Great Khali.

In fact, according to me the Indian body is a fine example of how the human form has evolved over millennia, to become more capable of fundamental human functions such as hunting for food, and software programming in Java.

So you can imagine my frustration when just a few days ago Zaheer Khan told the Times of India that "Indian bodies are not designed to bowl fast".

Now before we get agitated about this somewhat racist comment, we must remember that Zaheer Khan said quite a few controversial things in this interview. One other question the Times Of India asked him was how frustrating it was for Zaheer to get injured in the first Test at Lord's during the recently concluded England-India series. To which Zaheer replied: "It happens… I was 100% fit when I landed in England and didn't rush my return in any way but picked up another injury."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am laughing so hard with such loud snorting noises that I can comfortably break wind a few times right now without anybody realising right away.

This writer was at Lord's when Zaheer came on to play. From a distance it looked as if he was having a very intimate conversation with Sachin Tendulkar before running up to bowl. Eventually when Tendulkar began running up with Zaheer, I realised that the additional small person was just an extension of Zaheer Khan himself.

Forget bowling fast, Zaheer looked just about fit enough for 30 minutes or so of vigorous emailing.

Still, does he have a point? Is there such a thing as a body meant for specific cricketing roles? Is there a recommended fast bowler's body? An ideal spin bowler's body?

Let us look at the evidence.

Now as far as spin bowling is concerned, Indian great Venkatapathy Raju did not even have a body. Before the vast riches and limitless finances of modern cricket, the BCCI routinely saved money on international tours by carrying Raju on board as cabin baggage. On the other hand there are also spin bowlers of much greater substance, such as Ramesh Powar.

Moving on, one might presume that batsmen had to have fit, lithe, light bodies in order to help them be agile on the pitch and run between wickets speedily. But in fact we all know of chunky batsmen like Inzamam-ul-Haq. Not many people know that the Arjuna Ranatunga Stand at the Sinhalese Sports Club Ground in Sri Lanka is not only named after the great Sri Lankan but is also physically built on him.

To refute Zaheer's point even further, the history of cricket is also replete with fast bowlers who were anything but streamlined or aerodynamic. Merv Hughes, Eddo Brandes and Jesse Ryder are all players who did not let girth get in the way of their worth.

The more one thinks about it, the more it becomes clear that Zaheer's comments have no basis in reality. There is no such thing as a national physical tendency. With the right physical and mental training, and nurturing, Indian players can bowl just as fast as anybody else who is not from Pakistan.

I leave you with this inspirational quote from guru Deepak Chopra's bestseller, which should completely unravel Zaheer's baseless claims:

"We are not victims of ageing, sickness, and death. These are part of the scenery, not of the seer, who is immune to any form of change. Through midwicket for four."