The unofficial South Africa team preview

The good news for South African fans is that their team will, for the first time in a long time, head into a tournament not being favourites. This means much less stress and panic on the everyday Saffa fan since there are absolutely no expectations.

Expectations create pressure, and as everybody knows, South Africa are notoriously bad at dealing with pressure. However, with the South African players all convinced that there is much less hype surrounding the tournament this time around, Proteas supporters can focus on more important things like moaning about selection, reading the Alternative Cricket Almanack and learning synonyms for the c-word.

There's even some time to work on their mathematics, particularly the Duckworth-Lewis variety. All these wonderfully educating activities can be performed while guzzling down buckets of fried chicken.

South African fans should treat the Duckworth-Lewis printout as a bible in the coming months. As a Saffa supporter it is your duty to keep a copy with you at all times, in case you get called upon to be the "phone a friend" option for Corrie van Zyl and Co, or if Graeme Smith has his copy eaten by locusts or dogs, or if it is struck by lightning. Make sure you laminate this scripture. It should be able to survive any force of nature or conceivable act of God. Anything. Because rest assured, should South Africa reach the semi-final, or bless their souls, the finals, there'll be a shift in the earth's magnetic field. Meteors might even rain down from the sky, while Paul Harris may actually be seen to be turning a doorknob.

Lastly, South Africans should end their relationship with social media immediately, unless they are the masochistic type. There is no doubt that any game that SA even look like they'll get a scratchy throat in will see the c-word regurgitated like Ravi Shashtri's commentary clichés and MS Dhoni's love for saying "Well, of course" in post-match conferences.

Watch out for
Imran Tahir will play a significant role in warming the bench and carrying drinks, which is vital to keeping the team running. Robin Peterson will most probably play ahead of him and South Africa will never bench their future captain, so Tahir's role as drinksman will be vital, considering the hot and humid subcontinental temperature. Watch him turn those drinks around like only a leggie can.

Other Saffas to keep an eye on will be Kevin Pietersen, who'd want to make up for his sub-par form during the recent one-day series in Australia, while Jonathan Trott will continue his good run. Supporters of the South African team who regularly indulge in schandenfreude will want to keep an keen eye on these men. On the contrary, should England by some miracle of reverse hoodoo go on and win the World Cup, Saffa fans can always play the "South Africa's B team won the World Cup" card.

Recent form
South African fans were put through a tough test recently, as both the Test series and the one-day series against India raised their stress levels to new heights.

Psychologists were overwhelmed with requests for valium prescriptions as Yusuf Pathan reminded South Africans what it's like to have "the Lance Klusener factor" in your side. The reminiscing became so fatal that some said they'd even settle for Roelof "Close My Eyes And Smack" van der Merwe. Anything would do, anything but a complete floptastrophe of the lower order.

If you have recently gone through a divorce, are struggling with debt, support Arsenal, or take part in any other highly stressful activity barring supporting South Africa, it is advised that you steer clear of watching the World Cup.

Trivia
Johan Botha's favourite food is pies. Robin Peterson is not actually in the side because of his batting, or his bowling for that matter.

Selectors told Paul Harris he'd make the squad if he could turn a beach ball on a volcano. He failed.

South Africa have a heavy top order. They amass a whopping 567kg between the first five of them.

Hashim Amla's beard is on the brink of pipping Merv Hughes' moustache for the title of greatest facial hair ever grown by a cricketer.

Herschelle Gibbs didn't make the World Cup side because he was busy acting in a Bollywood movie.