World Cricket Podcast December 16, 2009

England will win because South Africa can

In the second installment of his world cricket podcast, comedian and Confectionery Stall blogger Andy Zaltzman tells you who will win the South Africa v England series, names his favourite South African player of all time, reflects on the outstanding
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In the second instalment of his World Cricket Podcast, comedian Andy Zaltzman tells you who will win the South Africa v England series, names his favourite South African player of all time, reflects on the outstanding series in New Zealand, refrains from speaking to his guest on the show this week because he couldn’t get his computer working, and dishes up more lies on cricket.

Read the transcript of the podcast here

Download the entire podcast here (mp3, right-click to save).

Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on the BBC Radio 4, and a writer

Comments have now been closed for this article

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  • stephen kissoon on December 31, 2009, 14:32 GMT

    Of course England will win both series. In fact India and England are the two most powerful teams in the world and it is only time before people realise that

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  • waterbuffalo on December 17, 2009, 23:44 GMT

    I could never be an umpire because I'd be thinking about scallops and prawns half an hour before lunch, every appeal would be answered by an outline of a tv and I'd drink 2 litres of white at lunch and start yelling at the batsmen. Also , every appeal against any and every australian batsman would be upheld and I'd give them a right proper send off. Talk about awkward lefthanders who never get out, you can add Vettori to that list. The joy at seeing a wicket fall with no runs on the board has been completely destroyed for me; McIntosh was given out lbw, ball pitched in line, was hitting middle, as soon as he cried to the umpire for a referral, my heart sank, because this was Pakistan, not India or Australia, obviously the decision was overturned because of height and hawkeye. He went on to score 74 and NZ 450 plus. If it was 1-0 Pakistan could have got a couple more especially with NZ's top order. How does hawkeye differentiate between a scrambled seam and an upright seam?Day 1 and 5?

  • waterbuffalo on December 17, 2009, 23:44 GMT

    I could never be an umpire because I'd be thinking about scallops and prawns half an hour before lunch, every appeal would be answered by an outline of a tv and I'd drink 2 litres of white at lunch and start yelling at the batsmen. Also , every appeal against any and every australian batsman would be upheld and I'd give them a right proper send off. Talk about awkward lefthanders who never get out, you can add Vettori to that list. The joy at seeing a wicket fall with no runs on the board has been completely destroyed for me; McIntosh was given out lbw, ball pitched in line, was hitting middle, as soon as he cried to the umpire for a referral, my heart sank, because this was Pakistan, not India or Australia, obviously the decision was overturned because of height and hawkeye. He went on to score 74 and NZ 450 plus. If it was 1-0 Pakistan could have got a couple more especially with NZ's top order. How does hawkeye differentiate between a scrambled seam and an upright seam?Day 1 and 5?

  • Arvind on December 17, 2009, 15:22 GMT

    @ Saravanan, Peter, Prakash: Your point is right, but you never know what happens in the future. If there is a Test "Championship", it is possible to have a tie count as a win. You guys remember the 1999 World Cup, don't you? :-)

  • Mark on December 17, 2009, 8:42 GMT

    You've killed me! I'm on the floor in a jellied state thru laughter. Only my thumb's still working but 911 be damned ... I've got to comment! The mole shot and battle cries at Lords. Long live test cricket and Sehwag's ability to smash 200+ at better than a run a ball in a test (tho I hope he just gets ducks in early 2010 when SA meet him). Excellent insight in magical packaging. Can't wait for more Zaltzman.

  • Prakash on December 17, 2009, 4:58 GMT

    Sorry to be picky, but if the batting team needs a run to win, the bowling team can't win by taking a wicket - they can only tie the test match. ;)

  • Peter on December 16, 2009, 23:39 GMT

    Another classic Andy. 1 flaw though: How is it possible 1 team needs 1 run to win and the other needs 1 wicket to win? Surely it's a tie at best for the bowling team =)

    your point on the finality of the umpire's decision is spot on and that magical rise of the finger has lost its magic.

  • Hemant Gandhi on December 16, 2009, 17:25 GMT

    The best on cricinfo in 2009....

    Look forward to more in 2010...

    Simply superb..........

  • pixie on December 16, 2009, 11:40 GMT

    hilarious!

    as i write this south africa are 85-2 and the wonderful referral system already denied us a wicket (which onions took a short while later, but that is besides the point)

    as you say, it has taken away our ability to cheer or whinge about the decision instantly. i made this mistake a couple of hours ago when it was decided the lbw decision was in fact wrong. there i was, sleepily cheering, phoning my dad to tell him (he doesnt have sky sports) only to say when he answered "well we did have a wicket, but that decision has been reversed"

    which made me look really daft

    rant over!

    nad wasnt it wonderful to see graeme smith go for 0. maybe he should cut down on the pies?

    i look forward to the next instalment Mr Zaltzman

  • Saravanan.NB on December 16, 2009, 11:26 GMT

    Haha, got u. Andy, how can that be a draw. Already the scores are tied, with the batting team needing one to win.

  • Abu123 on December 16, 2009, 11:02 GMT

    Funny..cricket? Funny..andy?!

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • Abu123 on December 16, 2009, 11:02 GMT

    Funny..cricket? Funny..andy?!

  • Saravanan.NB on December 16, 2009, 11:26 GMT

    Haha, got u. Andy, how can that be a draw. Already the scores are tied, with the batting team needing one to win.

  • pixie on December 16, 2009, 11:40 GMT

    hilarious!

    as i write this south africa are 85-2 and the wonderful referral system already denied us a wicket (which onions took a short while later, but that is besides the point)

    as you say, it has taken away our ability to cheer or whinge about the decision instantly. i made this mistake a couple of hours ago when it was decided the lbw decision was in fact wrong. there i was, sleepily cheering, phoning my dad to tell him (he doesnt have sky sports) only to say when he answered "well we did have a wicket, but that decision has been reversed"

    which made me look really daft

    rant over!

    nad wasnt it wonderful to see graeme smith go for 0. maybe he should cut down on the pies?

    i look forward to the next instalment Mr Zaltzman

  • Hemant Gandhi on December 16, 2009, 17:25 GMT

    The best on cricinfo in 2009....

    Look forward to more in 2010...

    Simply superb..........

  • Peter on December 16, 2009, 23:39 GMT

    Another classic Andy. 1 flaw though: How is it possible 1 team needs 1 run to win and the other needs 1 wicket to win? Surely it's a tie at best for the bowling team =)

    your point on the finality of the umpire's decision is spot on and that magical rise of the finger has lost its magic.

  • Prakash on December 17, 2009, 4:58 GMT

    Sorry to be picky, but if the batting team needs a run to win, the bowling team can't win by taking a wicket - they can only tie the test match. ;)

  • Mark on December 17, 2009, 8:42 GMT

    You've killed me! I'm on the floor in a jellied state thru laughter. Only my thumb's still working but 911 be damned ... I've got to comment! The mole shot and battle cries at Lords. Long live test cricket and Sehwag's ability to smash 200+ at better than a run a ball in a test (tho I hope he just gets ducks in early 2010 when SA meet him). Excellent insight in magical packaging. Can't wait for more Zaltzman.

  • Arvind on December 17, 2009, 15:22 GMT

    @ Saravanan, Peter, Prakash: Your point is right, but you never know what happens in the future. If there is a Test "Championship", it is possible to have a tie count as a win. You guys remember the 1999 World Cup, don't you? :-)

  • waterbuffalo on December 17, 2009, 23:44 GMT

    I could never be an umpire because I'd be thinking about scallops and prawns half an hour before lunch, every appeal would be answered by an outline of a tv and I'd drink 2 litres of white at lunch and start yelling at the batsmen. Also , every appeal against any and every australian batsman would be upheld and I'd give them a right proper send off. Talk about awkward lefthanders who never get out, you can add Vettori to that list. The joy at seeing a wicket fall with no runs on the board has been completely destroyed for me; McIntosh was given out lbw, ball pitched in line, was hitting middle, as soon as he cried to the umpire for a referral, my heart sank, because this was Pakistan, not India or Australia, obviously the decision was overturned because of height and hawkeye. He went on to score 74 and NZ 450 plus. If it was 1-0 Pakistan could have got a couple more especially with NZ's top order. How does hawkeye differentiate between a scrambled seam and an upright seam?Day 1 and 5?

  • waterbuffalo on December 17, 2009, 23:44 GMT

    I could never be an umpire because I'd be thinking about scallops and prawns half an hour before lunch, every appeal would be answered by an outline of a tv and I'd drink 2 litres of white at lunch and start yelling at the batsmen. Also , every appeal against any and every australian batsman would be upheld and I'd give them a right proper send off. Talk about awkward lefthanders who never get out, you can add Vettori to that list. The joy at seeing a wicket fall with no runs on the board has been completely destroyed for me; McIntosh was given out lbw, ball pitched in line, was hitting middle, as soon as he cried to the umpire for a referral, my heart sank, because this was Pakistan, not India or Australia, obviously the decision was overturned because of height and hawkeye. He went on to score 74 and NZ 450 plus. If it was 1-0 Pakistan could have got a couple more especially with NZ's top order. How does hawkeye differentiate between a scrambled seam and an upright seam?Day 1 and 5?