August 19, 2013

Australia: land of cricketing opportunity

As leaked to Alan Tyers
Australian soap star Melissa George, June 20, 2012
Melissa George: fair dinkum odds on to come on first change in the fifth Test  © Getty Images
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Australia Cricket Inc has recently implemented what we're already not really calling the Robson Rule, a law change that allows Australian cricketers with dual passports to play as domestic rather than overseas players, and thus mitigate against them having to declare for another international side. At least one unnamed senior figure in the administration believes that it does not go far enough, as this leaked memo proves.

Right, you blokes. Now this Robson thing's a good start. The sight of the flower of Australian manhood being snatched up by the Poms has been a bloody painful one over the last few years, except when it was the likes of Alan Mullally and young Patto Pattinson's pretty ordinary older brother, I suppose. But now we've got a chance to draw a line in the sand and say "No Mas" - that's Italian for "Get stuffed, Pommies", and doesn't that just go to prove that we're a modern multilingual and multicultural organisation here at Australia Cricket?

No longer will Australia be coming off second-best in the global trolley dash for the best players. We will be a world-class importer of talent as well as continuing to be a world-class exporter of talent - and I'm not just talking about that good-looking blonde girl who used to be on Home and Away and is now taking the film industry by storm. But Melissa George, if you're reading, the fact that you've starred in some movies in Hollywood will in no way affect your chances of getting your old slot back in Summer Bay, becoming our second female prime minister, bowling a bit of seam-up for New South Wales, or just coming round for a few jars and a fool around in the sheep dip at Australia Cricket Inc HQ. Offer stands, no pressure.

The days of Australia being a closed shop are over forever. We now say unto the world, give us your tired, your poor, your pretty ordinary, your huddled masses yearning to get a few first-class games under the belt before drifting out of the game to work in sports PR. Give us your occasional legspinners, your injury-prone fast-medium bowlers who can chip in with a few runs down the order, your nervous offspinners, your blokes from somewhere hard to pronounce who aren't exactly a batter or a bowler but a bloody good guy to have around the place, with a lot of potential.

Australia, and the Australian national cricket side, is open to you.

I've read recently that we're abandoning our immigrant experiment, but let me tell you this right away: we will take anyone we can get. It doesn't matter if a bloke is black, brown, yellow or blue with pink spots. if he is not really good enough to play for another country but he's willing to give it a red hot crack in the old baggy green, then he's all right by me and should hopefully be opening the batting in the fifth Test at The Oval come Wednesday.

Obviously if a bloke was actually literally blue with pink spots there would probably have to be some sort of a medical check, but we're confident that a few tinnies with Boof and a sing-song of the old "Southern Cross" will put some colour back in his cheeks right away, and from there on in, he's as Australian as the next bloke and we're absolutely sure that if he keeps on working hard then the results will start to come.

Best wishes to Australians old and new,

Pongo "One World" MacGregor, head of foreigner relations, Australia Cricket Inc

More Aussie insights revealed in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, here

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Posted by Not_Another_Keybored_Expert on (August 21, 2013, 4:10 GMT)

Are you trying to suggest that Australia trying to keep its players is somewhat similar to England scouting the world for any decent player with a remote link to the U.K ?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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