February 24, 2014

How to make West Indies v England interesting

Alan Tyers
Can you hear us, Darren Strictly Come Dancing Gough? Your boys took one hell of a beating  © Getty Images

The tour never ends for the hardest-working band in show business as the England cricket now team travel to the Caribbean for an eagerly anticipated (by nobody) six (6) limited-overs matches. Liven them up with this eye-spy game, which has been developed by experts in the ECB lab at Loughborough and is scientifically designed to maximise fun in the context of a stable team-building environment.

England openers building a platform for first 20 overs - one point

England opener gets out after well-crafted 22 off 87 balls - two points

England batsman hits a six - six points per innings (maximum six points)

Chris Gayle does a sex dance - five points

Chris Gayle does a tweet specifically for "the ladies" - ten points

Footage of people playing cricket on the beach - two points

They are West Indian and under 60 years old - ten points

Turns out that the beach is actually one of the region's premier cricketer stadia - lose five points

TV footage shows girls in bikinis - five points

TV footage shows fat English blokes with shirts off - no points

England batsman scores brilliant century - ten points

ECB refuses to reveal why - five points

England batsman dropped from team for "inward-facing team unity osmosis issues" - one point

England are looking at some positives - five points

Nick Knight offers strong opinion - ten points

Sir Ian Botham listens to opinion - fifty points

Michael Holding sounding wistful about the good old days of West Indies cricket - no points, feel a bit sad

Shiv digs in for a rescue job - one point

Article in broadsheet newspaper blaming demise of West Indies cricket on the NBA - five points

Overconfident West Indies player has a makeshift sign addressing greats of yore - one point

It says "How do you like them apples, Sir Learie Constantine?" - ten points

Jade Dernbach comes on for a bowl - one point

Admiring commentator mention of his battery of clever slower balls - five points

Jade whacked all over the park - score one point per run per over, maximum 126783 points

You break your TV by throwing things at it - send Jade the invoice

Gilo says England learning a lot of lessons - one point

Gilo says England are on an incredible journey - five points

Gilo, apparently thinking he is on The X Factor, bursts into a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" - 50 points

You're already counting down the days until England's next ODI engagement - 1,000,000 points, see doctor


All quotes and "facts" here are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
More undercover documents in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries at www.tyersandbeach.com

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Posted by electric_loco_WAP4 on (February 24, 2014, 23:19 GMT)

@Manxmuppet- So you meant to say Eng has joined WI as the 'laugh'ing stock of world cricket ? Cant disagree with you. -:) Saying that this piece certainly brought out a few laughs in me. Good 1 ! Cheers !!

Posted by ygkd on (February 24, 2014, 20:47 GMT)

There is no point to this at all. The West Indies no longer play proper cricket. England have been a shambles. Give me Ireland v Afghanistan any day.

Posted by Manxmuppet on (February 24, 2014, 15:15 GMT)

I started to laugh at this........until I realised that it was well within the boundaries of reality

Posted by   on (February 24, 2014, 10:18 GMT)

Great stuff, but why can you only score 126,783 points for runs off a Dernbach over? What happens if he gets hit for more (as is entirely likely)?

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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