February 24, 2014

How to make West Indies v England interesting

A game scientifically designed to maximise fun during a series nobody cares about

Can you hear us, Darren Strictly Come Dancing Gough? Your boys took one hell of a beating © Getty Images

The tour never ends for the hardest-working band in show business as the England cricket now team travel to the Caribbean for an eagerly anticipated (by nobody) six (6) limited-overs matches. Liven them up with this eye-spy game, which has been developed by experts in the ECB lab at Loughborough and is scientifically designed to maximise fun in the context of a stable team-building environment.

England openers building a platform for first 20 overs - one point

England opener gets out after well-crafted 22 off 87 balls - two points

England batsman hits a six - six points per innings (maximum six points)

Chris Gayle does a sex dance - five points

Chris Gayle does a tweet specifically for "the ladies" - ten points

Footage of people playing cricket on the beach - two points

They are West Indian and under 60 years old - ten points

Turns out that the beach is actually one of the region's premier cricketer stadia - lose five points

TV footage shows girls in bikinis - five points

TV footage shows fat English blokes with shirts off - no points

England batsman scores brilliant century - ten points

ECB refuses to reveal why - five points

England batsman dropped from team for "inward-facing team unity osmosis issues" - one point

England are looking at some positives - five points

Nick Knight offers strong opinion - ten points

Sir Ian Botham listens to opinion - fifty points

Michael Holding sounding wistful about the good old days of West Indies cricket - no points, feel a bit sad

Shiv digs in for a rescue job - one point

Article in broadsheet newspaper blaming demise of West Indies cricket on the NBA - five points

Overconfident West Indies player has a makeshift sign addressing greats of yore - one point

It says "How do you like them apples, Sir Learie Constantine?" - ten points

Jade Dernbach comes on for a bowl - one point

Admiring commentator mention of his battery of clever slower balls - five points

Jade whacked all over the park - score one point per run per over, maximum 126783 points

You break your TV by throwing things at it - send Jade the invoice

Gilo says England learning a lot of lessons - one point

Gilo says England are on an incredible journey - five points

Gilo, apparently thinking he is on The X Factor, bursts into a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" - 50 points

You're already counting down the days until England's next ODI engagement - 1,000,000 points, see doctor

All quotes and "facts" here are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
More undercover documents in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries at www.tyersandbeach.com