Australia, you beauty
It's a fine country - in more ways than one - our correspondent finds, in his first few weeks covering India's tour down under

Bradman: not an action hero at the MCG • ESPNcricinfo Ltd
Melbourne. Spent years dreaming of the MCG. Feel blank now. Long flight. Delays. Hours spent on runway in Singapore. Sleep-deprived.
The MCG finally. Lovely bronze statues outside. Shane Warne the latest. Louis Laumen, the sculptor, knows what he is doing. Attention to detail shows best in statue of Bill Ponsford. The top hand coming off on the flick, the old sheer gloves. Then there are the bowling actions of Warne and Dennis Lillee. The hair of Keith Miller. The other sportsmen. Footie stars, athletes, they all form a beautiful inner circumference for the ground, the outer one being Yarra Park. Don Bradman the odd man out. Others seen in action, Bradman prosaically raising the bat. Others' descriptions talk of their qualities as cricketers, Bradman's of the number of runs he scored.
Read in a paper: "Trams are the cleverest mode of transport. To suggest otherwise you have to be mad. Or from Sydney. Or both." Melbourne trams are interesting. Convenient. Having paid no fares so far, read warnings of a fine of A$180 for fare-evaders. Ask co-passenger how much to pay for the MCG from Swanston Street. "Not worth paying for such a short trip." Oh well.
Australia and New Zealand the best at smart advertising. This at a drycleaner's: "Wanted: Wire coathangers. Last seen escaping from this business under a customer's clothing. Believed to be hiding in wardrobes and cupboards in the area. Please return. Reward: less mess around the house." Or this at a coffee shop: "You can sleep when you're dead."
Boxing Day. A crowd of more than 70,000 to watch Australia play India. Michael Clarke chooses to bat first in difficult conditions. The top order does okay, but Zaheer Khan pulls India back in his final spell of the day. MS Dhoni welcomes Brad Haddin, at 211 for 5, later 214 for 6, with a deep midwicket and a long-on. Prefers bowling sides out for 310 rather than conceding 360 in an attempt to dismiss them for 260.
Paul Kelly. Singer, songwriter, legspinner, Test cricket lover. Sang "Behind the Bowler's Arm", an improvisation on a Chinese proverb. Says everybody's days are numbered, but those spent watching cricket aren't counted. Especially those spent ten rows back at the MCG on Boxing Day, "right behind the bowler's arm". Doesn't like how Boxing Day has turned into a corporate blockbuster. Can still be seen on the second day, though, in the Great Southern Stand, ten rows behind the bowler's arm. Meet him later at a pub, the venue of his first gig in Melbourne. He can't believe how much the place has changed. Listens more than he talks. Traditionalist, but likes the element of drama that the DRS brings. Thinks Test cricket is a radio sport. Doesn't demand attention, but is there. Can dive in and out.
The day begins with a Ben Hilfenhaus corker to Rahul Dravid. Australia roar back into the contest. The Indian bowlers roar right back before Ricky Ponting and Michael Hussey lead Australian fightback. Australia 230 ahead at stumps, two wickets in hand. Lovely final day set up.
"Under the Southern Cross I stand / A sprig of wattle in hand / A native of my native land/ Australia, you f***** beauty".
A day off because of an early finish. Not a good idea. Cash traveller's cheque. Forget the rest at the counter. Get a call from Corinne - Western Australian, pleasant, talkative - who changed them.
Melbourne stops you on the street and talks to you. Sydney mistakes you for a bum. Both must have their reasons.
Sydney a city of many small villages. All self-sufficient. All superbly connected by public transport. Busier and quicker than Melbourne.
Subroto Banerjee. Former India medium-pacer. Debuted against West Indies in an ODI in Perth, in 1991. India tied after scoring just 126. Took three wickets. One of them Brian Lara's. "Lara maan," as Banerjee calls him. "Lara maan can change the game anytime, if he starts whacking. Whatever you do, get Lara maan out." Remembers the West Indies tail's resistance. Anderson Cummins in particular. After 40 overs all India's bowlers bowled out. One wicket still needed. Tendulkar goes to Mohammad Azharuddin: "Mere ko ley, main nikal deta hoon [Get me on, I'll get the wicket]". Tendulkar gets Cummins out on 24. Lovely low catch by Azhar at second slip. Says Banerjee: "Catches and Azzu… what a player. I would pay anything to watch him. I was at my peak - would be bowling beautiful outswing, and he would play it to midwicket. Somebody asked him how to tackle the offspinner. 'Offspinner, play through off. Legspinner, play through leg.'"
Dhoni chooses to bat on a green pitch. India bowled out for 191. Decision not overly criticised. Never seen any captain criticised for batting first. Considered brave when erring on the batting-first side. Cowards when fielding first, especially when captain is a batsman.
Australia 37 for 3 at one stage, 325 for 3 at another. Ray Flockton wouldn't have liked it. Played 35 games for New South Wales in the '50s and '60s. Worked as traffic cop too. Much-loved character around the SCG. Known for his humour. Won't see another SCG Test. Died on November 22 last year. Could never pronounce "th" properly. So 3 for 33 was "free for firty-free". The score, and variations, are called "Flockos" in Australia. In the first SCG Test after Flockton, Australia miss reaching Flocko by four runs, and then by eight.
Clarke and Michael Hussey continue to beat India into the dust. Crowd want a contest. Their radios provide them one. In the ABC commentary booth, Harsha Bhogle dares Kerry O'Keeffe to eat a chilli, which the latter turns down. Crowd turns around and gives him a slow clap. O'Keeffe notices, as do players out in the middle. O'Keeffe tells Bhogle that if Clarke were to get out then, he'd be the man to be blamed. Bhogle gets away with that: Clarke and Hussey keep pounding India. No contest.
Tendulkar, Dravid and VVS Laxman will never win a series in Australia or South Africa. Read this again and again. That's how it shall end. Feel bad for them.
Newcastle. Three hours on the train from Sydney. Rick McCosker lives here. Batted with a broken jaw in the Centenary Test at the MCG. Is surprised everyone knows "Under the Southern Cross" now. "It was something sacred to us, apart from the language. It was something meant just for the 12 of us. The whole time I was playing, it was always done that way. It was never talked about outside. No one I knew knew what was actually happening. Only once did my wife overhear it."
Gosford. Somewhere between Newcastle and Sydney. Find self here after messing up train timings. Stranded for two hours at the station. From 2 to 4am. Creatures of the night around. Man believing he is a cop because he has a "top for cops" badge on his shirt. Another man says he can tell drug dealers by the way they walk and behave. Another swears at nobody. A fight on the other platform. Could well be at a Mumbai platform, waiting for the first morning train.
Australia is a fine country. Monetary fines for almost every conceivable insignificant offence. Feet up on the seat in a train? That'll be 100 bucks. Sitting in front of the stairway at Gosford train station? How about 200? Unauthorised parking? Twelve hundred. Step behind those black drapes on an airport carousel? That'll be $5000, thank you, sir.
Run into Wasim Akram on a Perth street.
Sidharth Monga is an assistant editor at ESPNcricinfo