Why the IPL is losing TRPs

Am I a bad person if I enjoy it when the Chennai Super Kings lose? My neighbour in London is a Chennai fan. You know the sort: spells it out as "Ceeeskay", calls me Modi machan ("What I am saying, Modi machan, is that when it comes to captaining Chennai, Dhoni is motivated - by the Knowledgeable Chennai Crowd [his capitals, not mine] and by the humidity. It's 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration!"), and insisting every injury in the Chennai squad is caused by "Ambani goons" (Bless that dear lady).

So every time Chennai have lost this season, apart from sending a "Suck on this" message to Srini, I go over to my neighbour and say, "Well, of course, you shouldn't sweat on this loss. You can say they'll do better next time da." No, I am not a bad person. God too is a creator like me. He's not a bad person, is he?

Everybody's going on about how the IPL viewership has fallen this year. Well, it has nothing to do with the product. It's to do with those cheerleaders dressed in saris, and those Kolkata outfits, which a friend of mine described as eczema-affected peacocks (LOLz @TheVijayMallya). What an insult to the cheerleading profession - altering their uniforms in the name of culture! Would you ask a fireman to slide down the pole in a lungi? Or tell a chef, "Love your minestrone, but it'll feel more authentic if you'd come out and leer at our patrons a la Berlusconi." Or tell the ICC president, "Sir, your safari suit is fine, but how about slapping on some non-ambushing logos on it?"

Nobody wants to see cheerleaders in saris and that's why the TRPs are down. Another reason is Munaf Patel's disgusting behaviour. If you think ugly confrontations make good TV then you're obviously a WWE fan and hence irrelevant. Take the Harbhajan-Sreesanth slap incident. Did you see any footage of the slap? No. Were you intrigued? Yes! Why? Because less in more. You've got to leave the audience wanting, wondering...

I've also been seeing Rajiv Shukla at practically every game and that has disappointed me. I have compiled a short and useful reminders list for every future IPL commissioner:

Don't go to every IPL game like you're a fan. Be exclusive. Your presence at a stadium should make spectators and television viewers feel like this game is a big deal.

Think celebrity. Feel celebrity. Be photographed with celebrities.

Get on Twitter, so it seems like you care about engaging with fans and critics. But don't get carried away and indulge in exposés.

Don't just defend the IPL against critics. Feel the love for it coursing through your veins when launching a passionate argument for it. You'll always remain stepdads, but there's no need for step-fatherly treatment.

Speaking of commissioners, I think Shah Rukh would be a great one. That one game between Kolkata and Pune at Eden Gardens must have underwritten all of KKR's losses so far. How smart was it to kick Ganguly out of KKR and bring that old cliché that journalists love - context - to the IPL? A great commissioner is one with imagination, an eye to the future and one who doesn't mind being portrayed as a villain for the greater good.