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Dr Doosra's Demented Devices

The CashCulator

Despairing of ever coming to grips with the large sums of money involved in the IPL? This technological marvel is made just for you

Flummoxed, flabbergasted and bamboozled by the financial maelstrom that is the IPL? Unable to figure out the complex details behind the revenue models, contract structures and valuations of the league? Don't worry, many people have the same problem, including the Indian income-tax authorities. However, unlike them, you have the advantage of the CashCulator - the only pocket calculator designed specially for people interested in navigating the IPL's financial maze, such as Shashi Tharoor. Now you (and Mr Tharoor, since he has time on his hands) can do the most complicated IPL-related math and get your answers faster than you can say "sweat equity".

© Anand Ramachandran
1. Player RoI analyser
This application lets you specify a player, and will then perform millions of calculations to arrive at an index of just how much his team has got from their investment in him. It factors in basic input, like the player's auction price, his performance (on the field and at the after-parties), his brand value - and many additional factors such as Andrew Flintoff's non-availability, Yuvraj Singh's savings on gym fees, and the extra expenses incurred for Doug Bollinger's hairpiece.
2. Advertising RoI analyser
Calculates the exact effectiveness of advertisements shown during the IPL, by analysing each ad for its lack-of-creativity factor, stupidity quotient, audience-aggravation index, brand-damage percentage and sales-reduction effectiveness. Hard-wired to give only negative results - the extra effort involved in providing for a positive result is not worth it, since the number of ads that would produce one is negligible.
3. Franchise-running cost calculator
This clever application gives you the precise amount that every franchisee spends to keep the team running on a daily basis. No cost is ignored, large or small - the app even keeps track of hidden expenses incurred by teams, such as self-improvement books for S Sreesanth, humble pie to distribute to S Badrinath's detractors, and the immense medical and technological resources required to keep Nita Ambani looking as good as she does.
4. Pushkar button
A mysterious button that simply says "Pushkar. This is not an instruction."
5. Multiple zero button
This convenient feature gives some respite to your fingers from having to enter all those multiple zeroes that are at the end of every conceivable IPL figure. Now you can enter "000000" and "000000000000000" with a single press. If you have the Lalit Modi Special Edition, you get an extra "000000000000000000000000000000000" button.
6. Red light
This serves the purpose of attracting the attention of MS Dhoni, if he happens to be passing by on a motorcycle.

Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at bosey.co.in