Blingy umpires, crazy keepers, fearful Aussies
The mystery of the subdued commentator. Plus, a teacup, heavy jewellery, and shoulder pads from hell. All in our look back at the last 10 days of the IPL
S Aga
05-Apr-2010
Naman Ojha: when keepers attack • Indian Premier League
The wary Aussies
What does it take to scare a big, hard Australian? Twenty20 overkill, that's what. In the last 10 days Andrew Symonds has been the voice of sanity and reason (who'd have thought we'd see the day?), cautioning about too much of the short stuff; Adam Gilchrist has warned that we are getting close to the critical point of there being too much cricket; and Matthew Hayden has expressed satisfaction about Lalit Modi's promise that the league will stay at 10 teams for the foreseeable future.
What does it take to scare a big, hard Australian? Twenty20 overkill, that's what. In the last 10 days Andrew Symonds has been the voice of sanity and reason (who'd have thought we'd see the day?), cautioning about too much of the short stuff; Adam Gilchrist has warned that we are getting close to the critical point of there being too much cricket; and Matthew Hayden has expressed satisfaction about Lalit Modi's promise that the league will stay at 10 teams for the foreseeable future.
The delicate touch
Into the foaming cesspool of commercialism that is the IPL was introduced a dainty bit of Victorian elegance last week, during one of the night games, when Mike Haysman, legs primly crossed, seated himself in a wicker chair on the boundary, had a cuppa, and proceeded to conduct a conversation with the boys upstairs. Crucial detail: prominent DLF IPL logo on the teacup (lest we thought they were just fooling around).
Into the foaming cesspool of commercialism that is the IPL was introduced a dainty bit of Victorian elegance last week, during one of the night games, when Mike Haysman, legs primly crossed, seated himself in a wicker chair on the boundary, had a cuppa, and proceeded to conduct a conversation with the boys upstairs. Crucial detail: prominent DLF IPL logo on the teacup (lest we thought they were just fooling around).
The chain gang
You've got to bling it before you swing it. First, Praveen Kumar showed up with a chain around his neck - very like the ones they use to tether elephants to posts, but made of solid gold, natch. Not to be outdone, Kemar Roach trotted out his own version when he turned out for Deccan. But the round went to the ump with the most, Rudi Koertzen, who is even now having his door beaten down by people who want him to star in hip-hop videos, thanks to his chunky neckwear. Old is gold? Better start taking that literally.
You've got to bling it before you swing it. First, Praveen Kumar showed up with a chain around his neck - very like the ones they use to tether elephants to posts, but made of solid gold, natch. Not to be outdone, Kemar Roach trotted out his own version when he turned out for Deccan. But the round went to the ump with the most, Rudi Koertzen, who is even now having his door beaten down by people who want him to star in hip-hop videos, thanks to his chunky neckwear. Old is gold? Better start taking that literally.
The replacement
Eyepeeyell on Twitter is this year's fakeiplayer. Only, funny. (And not a player, though s/he claims to be doing it on behalf of one who was hard done by). Not to mention filthy: do not* click if you're under 18, children.
Eyepeeyell on Twitter is this year's fakeiplayer. Only, funny. (And not a player, though s/he claims to be doing it on behalf of one who was hard done by). Not to mention filthy: do not* click if you're under 18, children.
The repeat offender
What about that David Warner hundred, eh? One person who evidently wasn't all too impressed, though, was Warner's captain at the Daredevils, Gautam Gambhir, who stingily said it was merely the best innings he had seen on the ground. And this after Shane Warne had declared Yusuf Pathan's hundred in a losing cause in the first week the best thing since sliced bread. Gambhir's sins caught up with him when he was fined later in the tournament for the unspeakable perversion of speaking his mind in calling Rajasthan Royals ordinary. That'll teach him.
What about that David Warner hundred, eh? One person who evidently wasn't all too impressed, though, was Warner's captain at the Daredevils, Gautam Gambhir, who stingily said it was merely the best innings he had seen on the ground. And this after Shane Warne had declared Yusuf Pathan's hundred in a losing cause in the first week the best thing since sliced bread. Gambhir's sins caught up with him when he was fined later in the tournament for the unspeakable perversion of speaking his mind in calling Rajasthan Royals ordinary. That'll teach him.
The new leaf
The more Danny Morrison screams, the quieter his fellow-countryman Jeremy Coney gets. Or so it seems. The Conester, who flew the flag for loquaciousness with a splash of lunacy last year, has been a model of restraint and decorum in season three. More's the pity.
The more Danny Morrison screams, the quieter his fellow-countryman Jeremy Coney gets. Or so it seems. The Conester, who flew the flag for loquaciousness with a splash of lunacy last year, has been a model of restraint and decorum in season three. More's the pity.
The announcement
The world breathed a sigh of relief when Indian film star Vivek Oberoi announced that the release of the film Prince (tagline: "It's showtime"), starring him will in no way be affected by the IPL. Phew, for a minute, you had us worried there, Vivek.
The world breathed a sigh of relief when Indian film star Vivek Oberoi announced that the release of the film Prince (tagline: "It's showtime"), starring him will in no way be affected by the IPL. Phew, for a minute, you had us worried there, Vivek.
The absence
The overhead cam from last season. The one that used to zoom along 30 feet above the pitch, giving us vistas we had never seen before - such as what those space-age helmets look like from directly overhead - and in the process messing with the batsman's field of vision, making him pull out at the last minute, enraging further the bowler who had just been carted for plenty. We miss it. Bring it back.
The overhead cam from last season. The one that used to zoom along 30 feet above the pitch, giving us vistas we had never seen before - such as what those space-age helmets look like from directly overhead - and in the process messing with the batsman's field of vision, making him pull out at the last minute, enraging further the bowler who had just been carted for plenty. We miss it. Bring it back.
The trend I
Give a man a pair of gloves and watch him go berserk. If it's not Dinesh Karthik, he of the Hannibal Lecter helmet, having a bit of a slash and dash, it's muscly young Robin Uthappa sending them into orbit. Or Ambati Rayudu, doing an axe-murderer impression for the Mumbai Indians. Or Naman Ojha, giving it a jolly thwack for Rajasthan. Slap a pair of pads on AB de Villiers and stick him behind the stumps then.
Give a man a pair of gloves and watch him go berserk. If it's not Dinesh Karthik, he of the Hannibal Lecter helmet, having a bit of a slash and dash, it's muscly young Robin Uthappa sending them into orbit. Or Ambati Rayudu, doing an axe-murderer impression for the Mumbai Indians. Or Naman Ojha, giving it a jolly thwack for Rajasthan. Slap a pair of pads on AB de Villiers and stick him behind the stumps then.
The trend II
Q: Why is everyone in the IPL so healthy? A: They couldn't catch colds if they tried.
Q: Why is everyone in the IPL so healthy? A: They couldn't catch colds if they tried.
The trend III
Can't people take regular catches on the boundary anymore, or just let the damn thing go for six? No, they have to leap acrobatically, take the catch, discover to their horror they are going over the rope, display presence of mind by tossing the ball away, step over the rope or fall over it, recover lithely, run back into the field and take the ball again. Exhibitionists.
Can't people take regular catches on the boundary anymore, or just let the damn thing go for six? No, they have to leap acrobatically, take the catch, discover to their horror they are going over the rope, display presence of mind by tossing the ball away, step over the rope or fall over it, recover lithely, run back into the field and take the ball again. Exhibitionists.
The eighties revival
Now that a new Wall Street movie is on its way, padded shoulders were all that were needed to complete a full-scale flashback to the greedy decade. Cue the ever-valiant Sanjay Dutt, who has stepped up to the plate - or creaked lumberingly up to it, considering he's wearing about two tonnes of fake armour - in an epic Pepsi ad/game, to promote which he turned up on the pre-show for one of the matches last week.
Now that a new Wall Street movie is on its way, padded shoulders were all that were needed to complete a full-scale flashback to the greedy decade. Cue the ever-valiant Sanjay Dutt, who has stepped up to the plate - or creaked lumberingly up to it, considering he's wearing about two tonnes of fake armour - in an epic Pepsi ad/game, to promote which he turned up on the pre-show for one of the matches last week.
The thing in the sky
Speaking of shameless, what to say about the blimp with MRF emblazoned on it that hovers above the stadium every night? The commentators have flogged it and they've flogged it and still the damn thing hasn't burst. Truly cutting-edge technology. With one inspired stroke MRF has managed to put a fatal dent in all the goodwill the pace academy's work has generated over the years. There's effectiveness in advertising for you.
Speaking of shameless, what to say about the blimp with MRF emblazoned on it that hovers above the stadium every night? The commentators have flogged it and they've flogged it and still the damn thing hasn't burst. Truly cutting-edge technology. With one inspired stroke MRF has managed to put a fatal dent in all the goodwill the pace academy's work has generated over the years. There's effectiveness in advertising for you.
The green people
There's no doubt preservation of the environment is a good and noble cause, but having to listen to the likes of Haysman and Pommie Mbangwa telling you that saving water is a fine thing, and watching as the captains present saplings to each other at the toss is enough to make the most avid tree-hugger turn violent.
There's no doubt preservation of the environment is a good and noble cause, but having to listen to the likes of Haysman and Pommie Mbangwa telling you that saving water is a fine thing, and watching as the captains present saplings to each other at the toss is enough to make the most avid tree-hugger turn violent.
The hello goodbye
Now you see them, now they're leaving on a jetplane. Three Rajasthan Royals players have upped and headed home, having played two games or fewer - Dimitri Mascarenhas and Graeme Smith injured and Damien Martyn because he possibly shouldn't have been there in the first place.
Now you see them, now they're leaving on a jetplane. Three Rajasthan Royals players have upped and headed home, having played two games or fewer - Dimitri Mascarenhas and Graeme Smith injured and Damien Martyn because he possibly shouldn't have been there in the first place.
The town criers
It was okay, sort of, when a miked-up Koertzen asked the teams, the captains and the Bullring if they were ready before last year's final. This year, though, the umpires have been doing the circus-announcer routine for every third game - to the point where it barely registers, as when, a few days ago, Daryl Harper bellowed "Sourav!" and when that didn't get the desired reaction, resorted to "Dada!" and just about waved his hands about in despair.
It was okay, sort of, when a miked-up Koertzen asked the teams, the captains and the Bullring if they were ready before last year's final. This year, though, the umpires have been doing the circus-announcer routine for every third game - to the point where it barely registers, as when, a few days ago, Daryl Harper bellowed "Sourav!" and when that didn't get the desired reaction, resorted to "Dada!" and just about waved his hands about in despair.
The cringe-inducer
The new Kingfisher ad. Questions abound. What were they thinking? What were they smoking? Isn't that the "Walk like an Egyptian" dance David Warner is doing at 0:18?
The new Kingfisher ad. Questions abound. What were they thinking? What were they smoking? Isn't that the "Walk like an Egyptian" dance David Warner is doing at 0:18?
*No, really. We're warning you.