CSK dressing room transcripts released
Police release unseen video footage in the case
James Marsh
28-Oct-2014
Now ask yourself: what was the need to rush up and hug me that hard? • BCCI
Following the news a certain enthusiast's voice has been identified on tapes relating to last year's IPL scandal, Indian police today released video footage from inside the Chennai Super Kings dressing room in the hope the public can shed further light on the case. Their explosive contents are transcribed below:
Sometime in May, 2013: The home locker room at the MA Chidambaram Stadium. A boyish-looking man in a suit is dancing around enthusiastically, swinging his laminated official ID card around his head. The CSK players are getting changed. And a bit irritated.
Du Plessis: Dwayne, who is this guy? Some sort of fan?
Bravo: Nah, Faf. He's connected to the team management. He's always hanging around, being enthusiastic.
Du Plessis: Why's he doing all this stupid dancing?
Bravo: What do you mean stupid dancing? I think he looks quite good.
Du Plessis: I'm sure you do, Dwayne, but he's really getting on my nerves. I'm trying to sharpen my pockets.
Bravo: Okay, fine. I'll get someone to talk to him.
Du Plessis: Get someone to talk to him?! Can't you just sort it out yourself? Why do you always need a middleman?
Bravo: Middlemen always get you the best result, Faf. Everyone knows that. Look, just calm down. I'll ask this security guard. Security man, remove this joker from the changing room!
The security guard moves to apprehend the man. A scuffle ensues. The man refuses to leave. The security guard decides to call his boss.
Security guard: Hello, sir. I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a troublemaker in the changing room.
Mr Srinivasan: Look, I haven't got time for this now. I'm watching Silver Linings Playbook with my friend Giles. I love that Bradley Cooper.
Security guard: It's your son-in-law.
Mr Srinivasan: No, he's an American actor. I've never met him.
Security guard: No, sir, sorry. The man here. He says he can stay because he's your son-in-law.
Mr Srinivasan: I have done nothing wrong. Yes, I'm coming Giles, just put it on pause. Look, I gotta go.
Security guard: Sorry, Dwayne. There's nothing I can do. I know it's not the best situation but can't you just stick it out for a bit longer?
Bravo packs up his stuff and goes home. On the opposite side of the dressing room, the team skipper is sitting down, reading a copy of Phlegmatic Captaincy Monthly.
Raina: MS, you're still in your motorcycle leathers, sat there reading a magazine. We're due out in the field in five minutes. Shouldn't you hurry up?
Dhoni: Suresh, please. There's plenty of time. Don't rush me. Honestly, you are a fusspot. Anyway, Ravi is doing the team talk today, aren't you Ravi?
Ashwin: Yes, skip.
Dhoni: Well, get on with it then...
Ashwin gets up but proceeds to just stand there in front of the side without saying anything. A minute passes.
Dhoni: Good heavens, Ravi. What's the hold up? You're meant to be giving a rousing speech.
Ashwin: I like to pause before delivering sometimes.
Dhoni: I see. Well be careful is all I'll say. One day you could be penalised for that sort of thing.
Ashwin: I can't see that happening, but I'll bear it in mind.
Raina (anxiously): MS, look I'm sorry to go on, but you really are pushing it now. The match starts in two minutes.
Dhoni: Suresh, will you please stop fretting? It's common knowledge I like to put on my kit, pads and gloves really quickly in a frenzied flurry just before we head out.
Raina: Sorry, skip. I'm sure you know best.
Suddenly a dart whizzes across the room, just missing the left-hander.
Raina: Jaddu, honestly! Do you have to play darts in here? You know I don't like things whistling past my nose.
Jadeja: Sorry, Suresh. It helps me relax before a match. I just got 180.
Suresh: Three triples? Wow. That's first-class.
Jadeja: Thanks. I'm hoping to do it at a higher level one day.
Suresh: Good luck with that.
Du Plessis: Look, will someone please get this man out of here? He's more off-putting than the time I was with the Proteas and Wayne Parnell gave me one of his special pills when I had a headache.
Dhoni: Yes, you're quite right, Faf. Look, sir, whoever you are. Can you please leave? We're playing a match in a minute.
Man: Why are you in a motorcycle helmet then?
Dhoni (sighing): Don't you start. Look, just get out, please.
Man: Okay, fine. Can you just give me a little bit of information about the pitch? I'll give you a gold earring.
Bravo pops his head back round the door.
Dhoni: No, I'm sorry we can't. Out!
Man: Whatever. Well, good luck anyway. I'm sure you'll come out on top.
Dhoni: You bet!
Man: That's just a rumour.
CSK win by five wickets with two balls remaining.
James Marsh writes Pavilion Opinions. He is also a Tefl teacher whose students learn superlatives by being shown Graham Thorpe videos