WWE to take over IPL
Putting an end to weeks of rumours, the BCCI called a press conference yesterday to admit that it is indeed in talks with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) over the possibility of the latter's adoption and eventual running of the IPL.
"With everything that's happened, we figure it's the only thing that makes sense right about now," boomed WWE chairman Vince McMahon, as a trembling Jagmohan Dalmiya looked on from the shadows.
"Under the proposed takeover," continued Mr McMahon, "IPL cricket matches will cease to be considered a proper 'sport' as such, and will instead feature carefully constructed rivalries with predetermined outcomes that will be promoted as legitimate matches."
Player left hanging as IPL friendship ignored during Champions Trophy
Poor Rohit Sharma. He thought he could just barge into the West Indies dressing room and high-five Kieron Pollard the way he had become accustomed to doing during the IPL as his Mumbai Indians team-mate. He couldn't have been more wrong.
A hush descended upon the dressing room as Rohit, sporting a Mumbai Indians cap, entered uninvited. "Mumbai in the Hizz-ouse!" he brayed with delight as he approached an ominously silent and expressionless Pollard. "Give me some love, K-dog," said Rohit, standing over his still-seated former team-mate with one arm raised in anticipation of a high-five, as other West Indies players looked away out of embarrassment.
"God, I feel so stupid," Rohit later said. "I should have waited for him to call me. Any fool knows that's the rule. Stupid, stupid, stupid," he said, slapping himself on the forehead as he was led away by consoling friends.
An X Factor for cricketers?
Simon Cowell has mooted the idea of an X Factor series consisting solely of cricketers competing to be crowned for having the most of that certain je ne sais quoi in their games: the X factor itself.
Candidates will be made to showcase their talent by doing such X-factorable things as being unpredictable while batting, bowling or fielding; not being able to hold a steady place in the team, thereby maintaining their surprise factor; being a mystery spinner; being Shahid Afridi, and much, much more.
Winners will be judged based on Cowell's knowledge of cricket, which, if it is anything like his knowledge of music, promises to flood the game with some very mediocre bits-and-pieces players indeed.
Sammy chilling at home, sucking on his pacifier
Having been unceremoniously dropped from the West Indies ODI captaincy, former skipper Darren Sammy has taken the opportunity to spend time looking after his baby daughter, doing some light exercise, and sucking hard on his pink pacifier.
"It has become a bit of an issue," admitted a visibly disturbed Mrs Sammy. "When he was doing it during the IPL, we thought it was in celebration of our little daughter, but the fact that he continues to do it here, sometimes even snatching the baby's pacifier out of her mouth and running off to a corner to suck on it himself, let's just say it's something we're working on at the moment."
Mohammad Irfan's height actually only 5'6"
It may or may not come as a surprise to find that Mohammad Irfan's height is not 7'1", as claimed by the bowler, but only 5'6".
"What we have with Irfan is the Shahid Afridi syndrome," explained a well-informed source. "Just as Afridi has been made some fun of for allegedly claiming to be younger than he is, the same applies to Irfan and his height. In fact he's well under six feet."
When pressed for an answer, the bowler admitted he was not entirely sure how tall he was. "I suppose it's possible that I only look that tall because the rest of the team surrounding me after a wicket are mostly batsmen, slouching and trying to make themselves as small as possible for having let the bowlers down again," reasoned Irfan.
Ashraful revels in afterglow of confession
After coming forward and admitting that he accepted money to help fix matches in the Bangladesh Premier League, Mohammad Ashraful continues to enjoy his new-found celebrity status as a newly honest man. "I've learnt a lot from this experience," Ashraful said as the cameras popped around him at yet another press conference-slash-felicitation held to mark his honesty. "Chief among which," he continued, "is that had I not stooped to taking money to throw a match, I wouldn't be standing before you here today getting the kind of plaudits that my batting as an honest player rarely got me."
Raina struggles to colour-coordinate headphones
Suresh Raina is still not altogether happy with the colour of the new headphones he has picked out to match his India kit. "No, it's not the right shade of blue," he whined while out shopping in London recently. When asked why he couldn't wear his other pair, Raina became incensed. "I can't very well wear the yellow pair I was wearing to match my CSK outfit, now, can I?" he snapped. "That would be... well, that would be crass. A major fashion faux pas. Plus," he added under his breath, "I don't really want to be associated with the colour yellow for a while if I can help it."
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?