Ashes August 7, 2009

Confectionary Stall Mid-Series Award Nominations

25

The Ashes scoots rapidly towards its denouement, with the fourth Test beginning today just under a month after the first. Both sides may be wondering whether they will ever again bowl the other out twice without serious meteorological assistance. And both may think that it is in their interests to club together and purchase a cloud machine.

England may be pondering whether or not they will still be allowed a bus parade and some New Year’s honours if the crowd keeps booing Ricky Ponting. Or if they grind out a 1-0 series win.

Ponting himself may be contemplating the inevitable consequences of becoming the second Australian captain after Billy Murdoch to lose two Ashes series in England – i.e. playing for England, which is what Murdoch found himself doing 18 months after his 1890 Ashes failure. An intriguing prospect, particularly with the next Ashes in Australia 18 months away, should Ponting prove able to displace Ravi Bopara from the England line-up.

The prospects for Headingley have been extensively discussed by far worthier keyboards than mine, so instead of wrongly guessing what might happen over the next five days, I present the first batch of nominations for the Confectionery Stall 2009 Ashes Mid-Series Awards.

CONFECTIONERY STALL MAN-OF-THE-FIRST-60%-OF-THE-SERIES

Jimmy Anderson

The new Botham. Anderson has the priceless ability to take wickets with good balls and, more importantly, bad ones. He plucks stunning catches out of the air like an unusually athletic seal snaffling a particularly rapid herring. And he is a flamboyant batsman willing and able to clatter good-length balls to the cover boundary. All he needs is the occasional cigar, a slightly less honed tummy, and some ducks, and the similarity will be complete. Please, England, just don’t spoil him by making him captain.

Monty Panesar

Panesar is, or at least should be, a live candidate for the Man-of-the-Series gong. His 7 not out was the most influential single performance of the rubber to date, just sneaking ahead of Mitchell Johnson’s opening spell at Lord’s.

Paul Collingwood, Anderson and Graeme Swann all contributed to the rearguard, but they could have been expected to perform as they did on a friendly wicket. For Panesar to play out 40 minutes in any circumstances, with barely a droplet of alarm, could not have been predicted. If cricket is now more about momentum than cricket, Panesar has been the key player thus far.

Rudi Koertzen

Harshly criticised for his some of his less certifiably correct decisions, Koertzen has valid excuses for most if not all of his so-called mistakes. When he apparently gave Michael Clarke out in the first innings at Edgbaston, he was in reality merely joining in with a Mexican wave.

When allegedly giving Ian Bell not out LBW to Johnson when it appeared that the batsman’s L was about as B his W as is physically possible, it was because Koertzen had spotted that the scalding Birmingham sun had melted the varnish on the bails, welding them together in an unbreakable union. Had Johnson’s surprise perfect inswinger managed to avoid Ian Bell’s shuffling limb, it would have knocked middle stump out, but left the bails in place. As Hawkeye failed to show.

(It should also be noted that, when England desperately needed Koertzen to keep giving people out on the grounds that they were nearly out, he started getting some close decisions right. He received minimal credit for this – such is the lot of the Umpire.)

(And what a set-up by Johnson – an entire two Tests of near unbroken garbage just to maximise the surprise of that one ball to Bell.)

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE SERIES

Simon Katich

Fans of the New South Wales nurdler would have been hoping and expecting to see a series of Gary Kirsten-like crabby accumulation, and would have been delighted with his century in Cardiff. Since then, however, he has concocted an array of recklessly macho and carelessly loose shots for which he would have been roundly slammed if he had been a player with a reputation for recklessness or carelessness.

Phil Hughes

One of the most intriguing questions to emerge from the series so far is: how many Test runs will Phillip Hughes score in his career? He currently has 472. The answer could be anywhere between 15,000 at the higher end, and 471 at the lower. Many factors will decide this, including whether or not Test cricket dies on the vine, whether Hughes volunteers for a manned mission to Mars, whether he stops hitting short balls into the hands of fielders, and which performance was more indicative of his future achievements – this Ashes, or the series in South Africa, when Hughes scored more runs against a better attack in tougher conditions.

Mitchell Johnson

But he’s brewing something. I can feel it. (But then I could also feel Geraint Jones developing into a top-6 specialist Test batsman. We are both still waiting.)

The Pitches

This has been an interesting and often exciting series despite the surfaces, which, to the untrained eye (e.g., either of my two eyes), have been almost indistinguishable from each other, and provided a stupidly tough examination for the bowlers, but a relatively facile quiz for the batsmen.

There have been two circumstances in which the bowlers have dominated – (1) when the ball has swung; and (2) when the batsmen have taken collective leave of their senses. The tension and rarity of a close Ashes series has camouflaged the drab nature of the pitches. If this is the future of Test cricket, however, it will need more than pink balls to keep people interested.

More nominations to follow tomorrow. Please make your own nominations too. Each of the winners will receive a commemorative Confectionery Stall bag of dried apricots, personally signed (on receipt of a stamped, addressed envelope).

HEADINGLEY PREDICTION

Australia are still vulnerable to swing. They have dealt with it with the practiced expertise of a crocodile delivering a baby. England have been little better. Whoever gets the better of the clouds could win. The weather forecast is quite good. It could be a draw. England may miss Flintoff – medical science has kept him going in the series. Forty years ago, he would have been humanely put down by now.

I think Australia’s bowlers might click in this match, especially if they pick four front-line quickies. The Confectionery Stall insulates itself from disappointment with pessimistic predictions – Australia to win in four days. (I have a ticket for the fifth day.)

England, however, would be happy with a draw to leave Australia having to win at the Oval − Australia have never won a decisive final Ashes Test without Don Bradman in the team.

FACT OF THE DAY

If England can pull off a shock first-day win (which no team has managed to do in first-class cricket since 1960), they will become the first England team to win the Ashes inside a month since 1890. Australia have pulled of this remarkable feat of Speed Urn Acquisition three times this decade.

To achieve this, England’s best tactic would be to insert Australia, bowl them out for 70-odd, cut loose for 25 overs, declare on 180-3, then skittle the Aussies again for 80 to win by an innings. This is, admittedly, a high-risk gambit. But history beckons with a brightly glowing finger.

Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on the BBC Radio 4, and a writer

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • solly on August 12, 2009, 3:18 GMT

    your comment about his L was about as B his W was rather inopportune as I work in an office and my wild laughter was not contained

  • Nadeeka on August 10, 2009, 0:33 GMT

    Great piece Andy. Unfortunately your prediction wasn't pessimistic enough.

  • bobby on August 9, 2009, 22:15 GMT

    Blair - you don't have a point and even if you did, this isn't the article to make said point. So yep, still an idiot.

  • Blair on August 9, 2009, 16:47 GMT

    Well Bobby, I may be an idiot but England have once again proved my point! Ha

  • Beri Beri on August 9, 2009, 8:42 GMT

    England cannot match the Aussies just as Beyonce can't sing.My 20 yr old grandson playing league cricket has scored 4 centuries and 2 x 50s this season.To bring him in the next test would be difficult as there are so many who need dropping.We should pay test fees on wins not on guaranteed wages

  • MartinAmber on August 8, 2009, 20:06 GMT

    Jimmy Anderson for Man of the Series so far!

    For all the reasons offered, and...

    for his revolutionising of the night-watchman's role.

    Jimmy doesn't keep it simple, hogging the strike and protecting the senior batsman. Oh no. Three times (as of today) in the last 9 months he's come in and watched his partner get out.

    Today was a masterclass. Listen and learn kids. What you do is take a single off your first ball and leave the senior batsman - who has shown tremendous discipline for an hour and a half and deserves a rest - face five balls from the most dangerous Australian bowler while you stand and watch!

    Also, it's a bonus, if you're the side's jey bowler, for you to crock yourself going for a quick single just to extend your "most innings without a duck" record.

    Runner-up: Rudi Koertzen.

  • Toby Hadoke on August 8, 2009, 9:37 GMT

    Just in case you were feeling a little hurt by some of the well meaning comments above, I have heard of you before Andy! I think yesterday proves that they should have picked Panesar for his batting alone. How kind of England to provide such drama by spending the last month getting our hopes up and then surprising us all with a spectacularly abysmal display in almost every department.

  • Toby Hadoke on August 8, 2009, 9:36 GMT

    Just in case you were feeling a little hurt by some of the well meaning comments above, I have heard of you before Andy! I think yesterday proves that they should have picked Panesar for his batting alone. How kind of England to provide such drama by spending the last month getting our hopes up and then surprising us all with a spectacularly abysmal display in almost every department.

  • Ashtung on August 7, 2009, 17:50 GMT

    MoM: England's 12th man, who made a dash to the pitch twice in 2 overs, saving the Tesh for England with Pontingadmitting as much ala' Steve Waugh saying he lost the cup to one man (Sachin) in Sharjah, 98-99

  • Udit on August 7, 2009, 15:42 GMT

    How about the the theory of England winning the urn inside a month...might have even been reversed upon them!

  • solly on August 12, 2009, 3:18 GMT

    your comment about his L was about as B his W was rather inopportune as I work in an office and my wild laughter was not contained

  • Nadeeka on August 10, 2009, 0:33 GMT

    Great piece Andy. Unfortunately your prediction wasn't pessimistic enough.

  • bobby on August 9, 2009, 22:15 GMT

    Blair - you don't have a point and even if you did, this isn't the article to make said point. So yep, still an idiot.

  • Blair on August 9, 2009, 16:47 GMT

    Well Bobby, I may be an idiot but England have once again proved my point! Ha

  • Beri Beri on August 9, 2009, 8:42 GMT

    England cannot match the Aussies just as Beyonce can't sing.My 20 yr old grandson playing league cricket has scored 4 centuries and 2 x 50s this season.To bring him in the next test would be difficult as there are so many who need dropping.We should pay test fees on wins not on guaranteed wages

  • MartinAmber on August 8, 2009, 20:06 GMT

    Jimmy Anderson for Man of the Series so far!

    For all the reasons offered, and...

    for his revolutionising of the night-watchman's role.

    Jimmy doesn't keep it simple, hogging the strike and protecting the senior batsman. Oh no. Three times (as of today) in the last 9 months he's come in and watched his partner get out.

    Today was a masterclass. Listen and learn kids. What you do is take a single off your first ball and leave the senior batsman - who has shown tremendous discipline for an hour and a half and deserves a rest - face five balls from the most dangerous Australian bowler while you stand and watch!

    Also, it's a bonus, if you're the side's jey bowler, for you to crock yourself going for a quick single just to extend your "most innings without a duck" record.

    Runner-up: Rudi Koertzen.

  • Toby Hadoke on August 8, 2009, 9:37 GMT

    Just in case you were feeling a little hurt by some of the well meaning comments above, I have heard of you before Andy! I think yesterday proves that they should have picked Panesar for his batting alone. How kind of England to provide such drama by spending the last month getting our hopes up and then surprising us all with a spectacularly abysmal display in almost every department.

  • Toby Hadoke on August 8, 2009, 9:36 GMT

    Just in case you were feeling a little hurt by some of the well meaning comments above, I have heard of you before Andy! I think yesterday proves that they should have picked Panesar for his batting alone. How kind of England to provide such drama by spending the last month getting our hopes up and then surprising us all with a spectacularly abysmal display in almost every department.

  • Ashtung on August 7, 2009, 17:50 GMT

    MoM: England's 12th man, who made a dash to the pitch twice in 2 overs, saving the Tesh for England with Pontingadmitting as much ala' Steve Waugh saying he lost the cup to one man (Sachin) in Sharjah, 98-99

  • Udit on August 7, 2009, 15:42 GMT

    How about the the theory of England winning the urn inside a month...might have even been reversed upon them!

  • Chopper on August 7, 2009, 14:49 GMT

    I think Mr Blair might be a little short sighted. I can't help but think that there is still a lot more to come from Young Jimmy A. When I see him striding about the cricket field I can't help but think of the illustrious statesman Mr Gorbachev. When he takes his hat off there is almost a hint of a pink patch on his forehead and his informative interviews given to Russian television are tinted with a humour typical of a man with the destruction of the world at his fingertips. He may eventually be lost to English cricket but we will be all the better for it.

  • Matt on August 7, 2009, 14:34 GMT

    Mate you are a classic. Never heard of you before now. However you missed the Endlish spinners in your disappointment award. England thought they have the better spinners between the two teams, and look at what happened in the first test 1 wicket between the both of them. As for the MAN-OF-THE-FIRST-60%-OF-THE-SERIES award, come on at least include an Aussie in the bias, Hilfenhaus and Hauritz have got to be included for either being completely missed in the media, or bagged consistently by all sides and yet still currently being the leading wicket taker up until this current test at least.

  • ben gunn on August 7, 2009, 14:34 GMT

    Dear Sir, As an avid fan of the game of flannelled fools your refreshing intellect,wit and no doubt long suffering wife, are fine example of what is needed in this modern world to survive the amazing adrenalin caused frustration brought on by dodgy bowling,suspect umpiring and who's round is it batting. I once took 5 for 28 in 10 overs against a team of shearers and freezing workers so my experience is vast. I would give Stuart Clark the Golden Jaffa. he has always impressed me as more disciplined than Johnson, who seems to have an attitude problem at times. His discipline seems specious and the cut of his jib could be untrustworthy in a squall. I am of age to remember Alan McGilvray and a host of English commentators on the awesome crackly radio reception from the late 50's onwards. onions 17 from his first over. Even tripe would hide in shame.

  • bobby on August 7, 2009, 14:32 GMT

    Blair - you are an idiot.

  • andrew schulz on August 7, 2009, 14:26 GMT

    Brilliant call on the Australian bowlers getting it right especially if they pick 4 quicks. Good to see it infolding as it should have from the start. Blair, I think Saltzmann was joking about Anderson. DS374, if you are writing just before lunch, you appear to be tuned in to the wrong game.

  • Tator on August 7, 2009, 14:25 GMT

    Have actually seen a game won outright in a day, Port Adelaide vs Elizabeth in South Australia's district comp which is next level below First Class in Oz. Ports on that day had 3 first class players playing and rolled Elizabeth twice in a day in the last day of the season. Nearly got them into the finals as the second day the following week was washed out for every other game in the comp.

  • Anura on August 7, 2009, 13:56 GMT

    Australia to winin four days? Might only need the first day! It's amazing how just when you think they could do something the English batsmen suddenly get collective dementia together with a fear of small red objects. My brother's pet salamander has more aggression and backbone!

  • Blair on August 7, 2009, 12:23 GMT

    Anderson the new Botham?! Come on Andy, honestly. Why is it that England, whenever they have a decent performance, all of a sudden start rating themselves way beyond their actual abilities & raise the fans expectations only to lose horribly? This seems to be a trend in many sports ( cricket, rugby, tennis, football etc ). Really, before a game just say nothing, go out there & if you then win, then be humble & proud! It just seems as soon as you open your mouths about winning a very high percentage of times you dont.

  • DS_374 on August 7, 2009, 11:36 GMT

    This Ashes series is becoming unbearable to watch with all the drawn matches. England will probably win 1-0. Maybe Andy's suggestion in this article will come true and Tests will go extinct. Wonder what the Ashes would be like in Twenty20 format... well it's got to be better than this...

  • Dunga on August 7, 2009, 11:28 GMT

    Actually, I found it. Kent x Worcestershire @ Turnbridge wells, on the 15th of June.

  • Dunga on August 7, 2009, 11:26 GMT

    I'm very curious to know about this one-day first class match, can we get some more information about it please? I can't be bothered browsing every first class match in 1960

  • faisal on August 7, 2009, 8:10 GMT

    I was born at 1983 and the two most disappointing things in my life as an aficionado is that I was not there at 82' when Italy won the world cup and 81' ashes.Though I am a die-hard fan of aussies specialy of ponting's batting(after mark waugh)I always wonder how it was back then to watch such an amazing turnaround at Leeds.Botham did the same thing for England as it was Paulo Rossie for Italy.So Anderson being a botham is not bad to laugh at when there is also a prediction about a one-day test.This australian team might look like a fade empire after all those retirements but still they are number-1 in the world.

  • Leprechaun on August 7, 2009, 7:59 GMT

    Straussy is the perfect nomination, not for his batting or captaincy but for "Australia have lost their aura" statement. This takes the Biscuit.

  • Mike Hemming on August 7, 2009, 7:12 GMT

    Was your wife safe while you wrote this?

  • Benno on August 7, 2009, 6:48 GMT

    Zalztman you are a weird weird man. As an Aussie I've never heard of you until this ashes series but that piece is pure gold. My stomach is sore from laughter regarding the last paragraph. It would be an amazing scenario if that happened but I think the pitch would be deemed unfit for play lol.

    Keep up the great work.

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  • Benno on August 7, 2009, 6:48 GMT

    Zalztman you are a weird weird man. As an Aussie I've never heard of you until this ashes series but that piece is pure gold. My stomach is sore from laughter regarding the last paragraph. It would be an amazing scenario if that happened but I think the pitch would be deemed unfit for play lol.

    Keep up the great work.

  • Mike Hemming on August 7, 2009, 7:12 GMT

    Was your wife safe while you wrote this?

  • Leprechaun on August 7, 2009, 7:59 GMT

    Straussy is the perfect nomination, not for his batting or captaincy but for "Australia have lost their aura" statement. This takes the Biscuit.

  • faisal on August 7, 2009, 8:10 GMT

    I was born at 1983 and the two most disappointing things in my life as an aficionado is that I was not there at 82' when Italy won the world cup and 81' ashes.Though I am a die-hard fan of aussies specialy of ponting's batting(after mark waugh)I always wonder how it was back then to watch such an amazing turnaround at Leeds.Botham did the same thing for England as it was Paulo Rossie for Italy.So Anderson being a botham is not bad to laugh at when there is also a prediction about a one-day test.This australian team might look like a fade empire after all those retirements but still they are number-1 in the world.

  • Dunga on August 7, 2009, 11:26 GMT

    I'm very curious to know about this one-day first class match, can we get some more information about it please? I can't be bothered browsing every first class match in 1960

  • Dunga on August 7, 2009, 11:28 GMT

    Actually, I found it. Kent x Worcestershire @ Turnbridge wells, on the 15th of June.

  • DS_374 on August 7, 2009, 11:36 GMT

    This Ashes series is becoming unbearable to watch with all the drawn matches. England will probably win 1-0. Maybe Andy's suggestion in this article will come true and Tests will go extinct. Wonder what the Ashes would be like in Twenty20 format... well it's got to be better than this...

  • Blair on August 7, 2009, 12:23 GMT

    Anderson the new Botham?! Come on Andy, honestly. Why is it that England, whenever they have a decent performance, all of a sudden start rating themselves way beyond their actual abilities & raise the fans expectations only to lose horribly? This seems to be a trend in many sports ( cricket, rugby, tennis, football etc ). Really, before a game just say nothing, go out there & if you then win, then be humble & proud! It just seems as soon as you open your mouths about winning a very high percentage of times you dont.

  • Anura on August 7, 2009, 13:56 GMT

    Australia to winin four days? Might only need the first day! It's amazing how just when you think they could do something the English batsmen suddenly get collective dementia together with a fear of small red objects. My brother's pet salamander has more aggression and backbone!

  • Tator on August 7, 2009, 14:25 GMT

    Have actually seen a game won outright in a day, Port Adelaide vs Elizabeth in South Australia's district comp which is next level below First Class in Oz. Ports on that day had 3 first class players playing and rolled Elizabeth twice in a day in the last day of the season. Nearly got them into the finals as the second day the following week was washed out for every other game in the comp.