Champions League 2009 October 7, 2009

A Dummies Guide to the Champions League


Deccan: they charge quite bit for their services, you know © Associated Press

So the big one is almost upon us. Over the next day or so, you can expect to be bombarded with Champions League previews, but frankly, you might as well ignore all of them, because this is the only appetite-whetter you’ll need. Armed with the Long Handle Dummies’ Guide to the Champions League, you will be able to bluff your way through those tricky CL conversations that will soon be taking place in offices, nightclubs, brothels and places of worship around the globe.

How Does It Work? The format is simplicity itself. A dozen teams play one another approximately 117 times in the first Super Eliminator Knock-Out Round. The squad with the most hamstring injuries will then drop out before we enter the Extra Special Decider Mini-League, from which the 10 least exhausted teams will progress, and so on. Eventually, after just 7102 pulsating matches, we will reach the Ultimate Supreme Champion Play-Off World Series Final, at the end of which the Indian team with the highest number of points will be declared the winner and will be named Supreme Overlords and Rulers of the Universe (2009), although they will have to defend their title almost immediately.

What Should We Look Out For? Some of the world’s finest commentators and Mark Nicholas have been polishing their adjectives in preparation for this feast of cricket, so you can expect some innovative and daring use of sponsors’ names during the long, long days ahead. Viewers should also be on the lookout for the early signs of Twenty20 fatigue, the first symptoms of which are an inability to remember which teams are playing, and a nagging feeling that Ravi Shastri is hiding in your wardrobe.

Teams To Watch

Deccan Chargers The reigning IPL champions, they got their name thanks to their habit of asking for exorbitant fees for getting out of bed, practising and smiling. In preparation for the Champions League, Deccan recently unveiled their new team logo: an enormous golden wheelbarrow full of currency notes.

Delhi Daredevils Qualified by virtue of not being the worst semi-finalists at IPL 2009, the Daredevils have been boosted by the absence of Paul Collingwood and have warmed up for this tournament with a team-bonding visit to the Bank of India.

Somerset Peasants/Sussex Nobodies May struggle to adapt to the heat, the travel and the presence of large numbers of spectators. Although they aren’t very good, all the English lads have brought their bank details with them and are hopeful of getting a result.

New South Wales Meat Pies The only serious challengers from outside India, the Meat Pies are planning a big celebration if they win the thing. To thank the folks of New South Wales, Simon Katich will be letting fans catch a glimpse of the yacht he hopes to buy with his winnings, and Brett Lee has promised not to sing.

Cape Chokers The current South African Twenty20 Champions, the Chokers only won their final playoff against the Border Bottlers when the other team got so nervous about the big day that they forgot to turn up. The Chokers still somehow managed to find themselves 10 for 2 after five overs, but then thankfully rain intervened and they scraped through under the Duckworth-Lewis system.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • testli5504537 on October 30, 2009, 23:57 GMT

    brilliant, brilliant, brilliant:P:D

  • testli5504537 on October 11, 2009, 7:58 GMT

    Andrew, too good - brilliant stuff! i love reading your articles and blogs... keep them going! Have a feeling your stuff wld be more entertaining than the cricket we get to see in CL, which is just going to be more bowler-bashing!!

  • testli5504537 on October 10, 2009, 17:26 GMT

    People gotta be insane to watch games like this (no offence guys if you do watch it) it has no cricket spirit what so ever. anyways great article, Modi really should read this.

  • testli5504537 on October 9, 2009, 3:01 GMT

    Great article lol..! Modi & Co should go thro this. During the innings breaks of IPL, he wud've thought "i'll be jobless when IPL completes. So lemme find a way to hire myself". This tournement is pure gimmick and we handed cricket to "Money Market" & results started pouring. Whatever said, it wil surely be good platform for youngsters to shine ( apart from carrying drinks for seniors).

  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 19:56 GMT

    after the cape chokers game tonight , the form book might change just a little eh andrew hasno clues

  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 19:32 GMT

    "Champions League" T20 without the T20 world champions. I don't think even Lalit Modi can keep a straight face trying to put any kind of spin on it. Great article though.

  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 15:49 GMT

    I wonder what King Modi will do after reading this?He will probably make you a rebel columnist,ban you from writing forever and send a scornful letter to you about how displeased His Modiness is(obviously,he is under the false illusion that he is ICC's new chief). So McGrath finally has got a chance to play after warming benches for the last season?This is a very good indication of how high and mighty Modi treats international players.Is McGrath worse that the indian district cricketers? If ever there will be a columnist of the year award,you are sure to get our vote.Keep updating.

  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 15:30 GMT

    my oh! My!

    Dear Andrew,

    Your article is gona creat a sizzle in here! :). Keep on spreading more such humor. Hey people as such the world is so complicated dont take this article to heart, enjoy the humour and enjoy the league.


  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 12:51 GMT

    Having seen all the positive comments attached to this article I decided to read it again and no, it's still not even remotely amusing.

  • testli5504537 on October 8, 2009, 12:16 GMT

    Hilarious article its veryy funny and i admire your sense of humour. I really wish i could be that funny

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