World Cup 2011 February 20, 2011

The ICC's fight against inanity

And a chance to win an award for decoding Brendon McCullum's electric quotes
12

Tuesday, 15th January Bearing in mind how well the wars on Terror, Obesity and Drugs have gone, it is probably just as well that the ICC hasn’t officially declared war on Corruption. But even if they haven’t announced the commencement of hostilities, they are pretty damn miffed with corruption. Make no mistake, if corruption sent them an invitation to its wedding, not only would the ICC not go, they wouldn’t even bother RSVP-ing.

Instead the ICC is running a kind of stealth guerrilla campaign against corruption. Today they attempted to disrupt the march of naughtiness by banning players from taking mobile phones into the dressing room. And not just phones. The list of banned dressing-room accoutrements include laptops, carrier pigeons, semaphore flags, plastic cups on string, and those blankets that the Sioux used to send smoke signals.

And, most gloriously of all, there is to be a ban on in-game Twittering. This has little to do with corruption but is a commendable attempt to stem the tide of inanity, profanity and banality that washes towards us in ever higher waves from the general direction of professional cricket. The message to players is clear: Shut up. Stop talking. Say nothing more. Zip it and keep it in a state of zippedness.

Wednesday, 16th January The news that Salman Butt has been hired by a television company may have caused a certain degree of tea spillage and marmalade-themed spluttering at the Lorgat breakfast table, but the whole thing is a big misunderstanding. I hardly think that, having been found guilty of perverting the course of cricket and tainting the game, Mr Butt would be employed to offer us his sporting observations.

No, he has in fact been hired to handle the catering. Butt Ices, the leading purveyor of frozen dairy products to the cricket industry, will be keeping commentators and studio staff refreshed throughout the World Cup and beyond. I understand that his prices are very reasonable and that Salman the Ice-Cream Man is also available at short notice for children’s parties, embassy balls and court appearances.

Friday, 18th January More evidence that the Black Caps are taking this cricket business far too seriously came today in the form of an interview with one of New Zealand’s leading semiologists and the winner of the Most Tattooed Bicep Award 2008, one Brendon McCullum. Switch off your mobiles, put the mongoose back in its cage and send your children out into the street, you’ll need to concentrate to decode this one fully.

“Someone has to flick a switch, somewhere along the line we have to get ourselves across the finishing line and with a W in the column.”

Right, so there’s a line and then there’s another line, electricity is involved at some point and the letter W. The column may refer to Nelson’s Column, but I’m not sure. Maybe if we read on, it will make sense.

“We can’t have that mental blockage or mental baggage heading into this World Cup. We have to ditch that quickly.”

I hope he didn’t have too much trouble at the airport. “Anything to declare, Mr McCullum?” “No, just this mental baggage.” “Did you pack it yourself, sir?”

“We are going to have to borrow some confidence to stare down those situations and dream that we are capable of achieving success in those moments.”

If I’m not much mistaken, that’s the second verse to Norway’s 1978 Eurovision Song Contest entry. But what can it all mean? As far as I can tell, the keys to World Cup success are mental baggage, lines, electricity and confidence rental. Perhaps ESPNcricinfo readers will fare better. If you can work out what Brendon is banging on about, get in touch. A virtual pat on the back for the most convincing answer.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Rahul on February 21, 2011, 7:22 GMT

    Wonderful Read. Loved the kiwi bit! But whatever's said, you have got to love Brendon. The guy always has a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step. Maybe that's what the problem is. Maybe he's suppressing bad, bad, BAD memories of over the last 6 months. My shrink tells me that's bad, but I kinda think she's a nut job herself!

  • ebenezer on February 21, 2011, 5:07 GMT

    “Someone has to flick a switch, somewhere along the line we have to get ourselves across the finishing line and with a W in the column.”

    Brendon is talking about someone (rather it should be everyone in the NZ team) stepping up, performing and finishing the game as winners. W referring to wins as shown in most result tables - P: Played, W: Won, L: Lost, NRR: Net run rate and so on.

  • pj3000 on February 21, 2011, 3:23 GMT

    At the risk of inviting further confusion from Mr McCullum, can he clarify that by a 'W in the column' he means: a) the 'Wins' column b) the 'Wickets' column or c) the 'Wides' column?

  • HoustonsProblem on February 20, 2011, 20:31 GMT

    Ah ... good one!! Enjoyed the humor. :)

  • Leonard on February 20, 2011, 16:22 GMT

    A virtual pat on YOUR back for spelling "fare better" as "fair better". That said, it was a very funny read. Thank you!

  • Jim on February 20, 2011, 14:33 GMT

    Ha ha, all these sections are hilarious. Love this. Also loved Aaron's comment, which is very true indeed! What I think about Brendon's press meet is that he has confused this world cup tour with a vacation tour to India: He talks about fi(ni)shing lines, c(onfidence)ar rentals, switch hits, traffic blockages and extra baggages!

  • OzHorse on February 20, 2011, 13:39 GMT

    I think what it boils down to is to let the opposition batsmen get to milestones like 50s and 100s. This gives the opposition confidence...then NZ can "borrow" some of that confidence as when one of them leaves their crease for the congratulatory hug or fist-touch, run them out.

  • Thomas on February 20, 2011, 12:06 GMT

    McCullum's a cricket player, not a public speaker.... so I will forgive him for not being an expert with his words. You as a journalist however, should "FARE" better with your words.

    Never write off the Kiwi's in a major tournament, we have enough match winners in the side to beat anybody on our day. Baz is right, their main problem is upstairs [by that I mean the mental baggage, if you need a translation].

  • Satyen on February 20, 2011, 10:59 GMT

    That was very funny, the McCullum bit specially. I suppose the electrical and travelling problems have been forgotten with that canter of a match they had today. Forgive him for being muddled in the head, they have been moving around with that baggage since quite some time...

  • srkrishnan on February 20, 2011, 10:15 GMT

    Lol funny!

  • Rahul on February 21, 2011, 7:22 GMT

    Wonderful Read. Loved the kiwi bit! But whatever's said, you have got to love Brendon. The guy always has a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step. Maybe that's what the problem is. Maybe he's suppressing bad, bad, BAD memories of over the last 6 months. My shrink tells me that's bad, but I kinda think she's a nut job herself!

  • ebenezer on February 21, 2011, 5:07 GMT

    “Someone has to flick a switch, somewhere along the line we have to get ourselves across the finishing line and with a W in the column.”

    Brendon is talking about someone (rather it should be everyone in the NZ team) stepping up, performing and finishing the game as winners. W referring to wins as shown in most result tables - P: Played, W: Won, L: Lost, NRR: Net run rate and so on.

  • pj3000 on February 21, 2011, 3:23 GMT

    At the risk of inviting further confusion from Mr McCullum, can he clarify that by a 'W in the column' he means: a) the 'Wins' column b) the 'Wickets' column or c) the 'Wides' column?

  • HoustonsProblem on February 20, 2011, 20:31 GMT

    Ah ... good one!! Enjoyed the humor. :)

  • Leonard on February 20, 2011, 16:22 GMT

    A virtual pat on YOUR back for spelling "fare better" as "fair better". That said, it was a very funny read. Thank you!

  • Jim on February 20, 2011, 14:33 GMT

    Ha ha, all these sections are hilarious. Love this. Also loved Aaron's comment, which is very true indeed! What I think about Brendon's press meet is that he has confused this world cup tour with a vacation tour to India: He talks about fi(ni)shing lines, c(onfidence)ar rentals, switch hits, traffic blockages and extra baggages!

  • OzHorse on February 20, 2011, 13:39 GMT

    I think what it boils down to is to let the opposition batsmen get to milestones like 50s and 100s. This gives the opposition confidence...then NZ can "borrow" some of that confidence as when one of them leaves their crease for the congratulatory hug or fist-touch, run them out.

  • Thomas on February 20, 2011, 12:06 GMT

    McCullum's a cricket player, not a public speaker.... so I will forgive him for not being an expert with his words. You as a journalist however, should "FARE" better with your words.

    Never write off the Kiwi's in a major tournament, we have enough match winners in the side to beat anybody on our day. Baz is right, their main problem is upstairs [by that I mean the mental baggage, if you need a translation].

  • Satyen on February 20, 2011, 10:59 GMT

    That was very funny, the McCullum bit specially. I suppose the electrical and travelling problems have been forgotten with that canter of a match they had today. Forgive him for being muddled in the head, they have been moving around with that baggage since quite some time...

  • srkrishnan on February 20, 2011, 10:15 GMT

    Lol funny!

  • Aaron on February 20, 2011, 8:02 GMT

    Translation: "This is the hundredth time someone has asked me how it feels to lose so many games and I'm not going to give the question my proper attention anymore, [puts hands over ears] na na na na na na na. See?

  • Moriarty on February 20, 2011, 7:52 GMT

    McCullum's gobbledigook exemplifies the Black Caps problem - they forget cricket is a simple game. To get the 'w in the column', the task is simple - score runs when we bat, then take wickets when the other buggers bat. Make sure we play better than them. Don't look to take the positives out of a loss - resolve to do better next time. KISS

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  • Moriarty on February 20, 2011, 7:52 GMT

    McCullum's gobbledigook exemplifies the Black Caps problem - they forget cricket is a simple game. To get the 'w in the column', the task is simple - score runs when we bat, then take wickets when the other buggers bat. Make sure we play better than them. Don't look to take the positives out of a loss - resolve to do better next time. KISS

  • Aaron on February 20, 2011, 8:02 GMT

    Translation: "This is the hundredth time someone has asked me how it feels to lose so many games and I'm not going to give the question my proper attention anymore, [puts hands over ears] na na na na na na na. See?

  • srkrishnan on February 20, 2011, 10:15 GMT

    Lol funny!

  • Satyen on February 20, 2011, 10:59 GMT

    That was very funny, the McCullum bit specially. I suppose the electrical and travelling problems have been forgotten with that canter of a match they had today. Forgive him for being muddled in the head, they have been moving around with that baggage since quite some time...

  • Thomas on February 20, 2011, 12:06 GMT

    McCullum's a cricket player, not a public speaker.... so I will forgive him for not being an expert with his words. You as a journalist however, should "FARE" better with your words.

    Never write off the Kiwi's in a major tournament, we have enough match winners in the side to beat anybody on our day. Baz is right, their main problem is upstairs [by that I mean the mental baggage, if you need a translation].

  • OzHorse on February 20, 2011, 13:39 GMT

    I think what it boils down to is to let the opposition batsmen get to milestones like 50s and 100s. This gives the opposition confidence...then NZ can "borrow" some of that confidence as when one of them leaves their crease for the congratulatory hug or fist-touch, run them out.

  • Jim on February 20, 2011, 14:33 GMT

    Ha ha, all these sections are hilarious. Love this. Also loved Aaron's comment, which is very true indeed! What I think about Brendon's press meet is that he has confused this world cup tour with a vacation tour to India: He talks about fi(ni)shing lines, c(onfidence)ar rentals, switch hits, traffic blockages and extra baggages!

  • Leonard on February 20, 2011, 16:22 GMT

    A virtual pat on YOUR back for spelling "fare better" as "fair better". That said, it was a very funny read. Thank you!

  • HoustonsProblem on February 20, 2011, 20:31 GMT

    Ah ... good one!! Enjoyed the humor. :)

  • pj3000 on February 21, 2011, 3:23 GMT

    At the risk of inviting further confusion from Mr McCullum, can he clarify that by a 'W in the column' he means: a) the 'Wins' column b) the 'Wickets' column or c) the 'Wides' column?