September 19, 2012

ICC World Twenty20

No opening ceremony?

Andrew Hughes
James Franklin raises his arm after bowling a tight last over, India v New Zealand, 2nd T20I, Chennai, September 11, 2012
New Zealand: you'll see them at children's birthday parties, getting tails pinned to their behinds or strung up from a tree, waiting to be bashed beyond recognition  © Associated Press
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After the summer's five-ring-themed hoopla, it's a shock to arrive at the beginning of a sports extravaganza, clutching your glossy advert-infested "Guide To What You Already Know About The Teams That Are About To Compete", to learn that there is to be no pre-jamboree jamboree. No C-List Bollywood types lip-syncing to songs you can almost recall. No inflatable elephants. No real elephants. No Victoria Beckham. No inspirational choreographed tributes to the Ministry for Wellbeing. Not even the merest hint of a blimp.

The Sri Lankan board is having none of it. Just a brisk handshake, a quick blast from the World's Best National Anthems Compilation CD via a crackly PA system, and let's get on with it gentlemen. It's the kind of no-nonsense, taking care of business attitude that speaks of a purist approach to the game, of an impatience with the shallow fripperies of modern sport and of no money left in the entertainment budget.

There will still be garlands for the victorious team, but these will be made of discarded batting gloves and threaded by the losing 12th man. Prior to the final, the crowd will be entertained by members of the ICC Executive Cheerleading Squad (though in deference to the sensitivities of a worldwide television audience, hairy knees will be covered up at all times) and SLC are also hoping at some point to persuade Sanath Jayasuriya's forearms out of retirement to put on a demonstration of wood chopping.

The format of the tournament is a little peculiar. It starts with some claustrophobic little groups of three, designed to dispense with the minnows in the shortest possible time. Afghanistan, for example, are unlikely to make it as far as the weekend. Thanks for coming, chaps, hope you enjoyed your 48 hours at the World Twenty20, don't forget to stop by the officially licensed gift shop on your way back to the airport.

And then, the party can really start with the Super Eight, although should one of the minnows manage to sneak into this stage of the tournament, perhaps by stowing away in one of the bigger teams' coaches, I understand that the ICC will rename it the Super Seven-and-a-Half and, as is traditional, the team concerned will be heavily criticised for devaluing the latter stages by their presence.

So who will win? My money, or more accurately, my bank's money, is on Pakistan, so expect a swift exit for the Professor and his students. I am pleased to say though that I have finally managed to overcome the persistent and financially ruinous delusion, formed in my formative cricket watching years in the mid 1980s, that New Zealand should always be regarded as dark horses. Dark ponies, possibly, but ponies almost never win horse races, particularly ponies that have to stop every furlong or so to throw up.

Who does that leave? India (too obvious) Sri Lanka (ditto) Australia (boring) South Africa (boring) and England (don't be silly). I like the look of Bangladesh, but then I often do and my belief in the fantasy that the Tigers are about to break through has been almost as detrimental to my financial wellbeing as the New Zealand fallacy. By a process of elimination therefore the winners are almost certainly going to be the West Indies.

Congratulations to them and bad luck to beaten finalists Zimbabwe, who almost certainly would have won were it not for that herd of unicorns causing the match to be abandoned and the deployment of the Duckworth Lewis Mythical Creature Algorithm.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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Keywords: World Twenty20

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Posted by Celine on (November 10, 2012, 7:47 GMT)

I've written a book caleld A History of Canadian Cricket: An immigrant's game? , which is available from lulu.com and amazon.com.The first Test match was actually played in 1877 between England and Australia. Canada V US in 1844 was the first international match. The seeds for this encounter had been sown 4 years earlier when a team from New York turned up unexpectedly at Toronto. A hoaxer had convinced the New Yorkers that he was from Toronto Cricket Club and the Torontonians would be expecting them. If you want further details, please contact me!

Posted by Bimal on (September 27, 2012, 11:49 GMT)

I can almost picture the president of Sri Lankan Cricket Board going...

"Opening ceremony? Ooops, I knew I forgot something..."

Posted by Sivabhaskar on (September 25, 2012, 21:45 GMT)

Ahahahahaha ... ROFL ... " Duckworth Lewis Mythical Creature Algorithm " ... ROFL !!!

Posted by NabidHassan on (September 20, 2012, 19:01 GMT)

"I like the look of Bangladesh, but then I often do and my belief in the fantasy that the Tigers are about to break through has been almost as detrimental to my financial wellbeing as the New Zealand fallacy."

LOL

Posted by Nadeem on (September 20, 2012, 4:45 GMT)

More like cost cutting measures from the looks of things, lets not forget the SL Board has had its financial troubles recently, the cheerleaders at the games are a solid proof of this no frills WT20, poor girls dancing to what ever they can and how every they can. But then again it should all be about cricket and im happy that there were no fake or real elephants, i dont want to waste my time watching side shows. Bring on the cricket i say and im glad they did.

Posted by Si on (September 20, 2012, 3:40 GMT)

Might be a bit premature on the West Indies, Andrew. While Gayle will be playing his favourite format, in the most lucrative part of the world for him, he may be uneasy in a team of players he's unfamiliar with! If he can stick it out and the WI's gel, they may be a real shot at the next T20 World Cup in six months time.

Posted by hmr on (September 19, 2012, 21:40 GMT)

surely they could have brought in some real elephants; not sure what it would do to the pitch though..

Posted by Deeksha on (September 19, 2012, 18:57 GMT)

I only have this to say : please write a whimsical book about village cricket!

Posted by ish on (September 19, 2012, 16:20 GMT)

West Indies? Don't be silly- they are too obvious and, they have been boring for about a decade now in major tournaments so there's no reason to think they'd do differently this time.

Posted by m Kay on (September 19, 2012, 16:16 GMT)

"There will still be garlands for the victorious team, but these will be made of discarded batting gloves and threaded by the losing 12th man." hahaha!! Now this IS a very good idea.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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