June 28, 2014

How well do you know current cricket?

Are you abreast of developments in cricket? Take the Long Handle test

"The most important thing for you to remember is to not bite the hand that feeds" © AFP

As we all know, cricket never sleeps, and even when it looks as though it's dozing, it is merely resting its eyes. To keep abreast of unfolding cricket happenings is a constant struggle, so to help you out, here's the Long Handle test, a chance to impress yourself with how clever you are or to wallow in your contemptible cricket ignorance. (Answers at the bottom of the page. No cheating. No biting. No referrals to the third umpire.)

1. Who was controversially appointed head of the ICC this week?

a) Luis Suarez
b) Osama Bin Laden (deceased)
c) Spongebob Squarepants
d) Mr Srinivasan

2. What was the reaction of the ICC delegates this week when they were asked to sign up to the Big Three's administrative putsch?

a) Sri Lanka's representative stood on his chair, ripped off his jacket to reveal a Che Guevara t-shirt and gave a rousing speech denouncing the greed of the Big Three. The other delegates then staged a revolutionary coup, overturning the boardroom table and barricading themselves in the executive toilets, where they sang songs of defiance to keep their spirits up, songs that will shortly feature in a new West End musical: Les Ineffectuals.

b) They were debating whether to sign up when aliens from the seventh dimension materialised in the ICC boardroom and gave a Powerpoint presentation in which they demonstrated how failure to agree to this plan would lead inevitably to the end of cricket, the fall of civilisation, the drying up of the oceans and the destruction of all sentient life. The meeting then adjourned to the alien spacecraft for canapés and involuntary probing.

c) "Yes Sir, Mr Srinivasan, and may we take this opportunity to congratulate you on the wisdom of this excellent and worthy plan, oh mighty one."

3. What did Peter Moores say on Thursday when asked about the current England captain?

a) He praised Alastair's steely nature and went on to explain that this steely nature was due mainly to the fact that Alastair is the first-ever android cricketer and so contains a great deal of steel, along with wires, gears, levers, valves, microchips and sprockets. He also revealed that the CookBot's software (International Cricket Tactics Version 1.0.1) was based on an early ZX Spectrum game called "Geoff Boycott's Cricket Orthodoxy" in which there were only seven fielding positions and the player couldn't control anything that happened.

b) "Steely nature… decent sort of chap… each game as it comes… circle of life… square on the hypotenuse… roll up our sleeves… fight them on the landing grounds… Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me… they think it's all over… who lives in a pineapple under the sea… looking forward to India… plenty of positives… "

c) "… and there was in that time a leader of men who hath many followers on account of having vanquished the Dhoni-ites and the Lehmannites. Yet verily it came to pass that he suffered an unfortunate series of reverses thanks entirely to the treachery of his disciple Kevin, son of Pieter, and thenceforth his followers deserted him. 'Oh ye of little faith,' saith Alastair, 'Thou shalt see that I am made of great steel.' Yet alas there were none to hear him speak for they were all in the press box scribbling about the dullness of his sermons."


1. After a visit from the ICC legal enforcement team I would like to point out that this entire question is sub judice, moot and entirely beside the point, that there was nothing remotely controversial about this appointment and that Mr Srinivasan is not only utterly innocent in every respect, he is also a bon viveur, an agile and sensuous ballroom dancer, a cement connoisseur and the owner of Asia's largest collection of injunctions.

2. b), followed shortly afterwards by c)

3. Mainly b)

How Did You Do?

3/3 Congratulations, you are the new head of the ICC. Do not go directly to jail

2/3 Not bad. Try to get your foot nearer the pitch of the ball next time.

1/3 Don't worry, you have the full confidence of Peter Moores

0/3 You are useless. Read Graeme Swann's autobiography and then, when you've finished, read it again.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here