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The Ballad of the Unsold Englishman
A representative of an unfairly ignored constituency gives vent in verse
Sidin Vadukut
13-Feb-2014
Look, I am not saying that paying so much for him is a crime
But surely Yuvi is slightly beyond his prime?
Why not spend much less on a fully fit foreigner-wink wink
Who can pose for fairness cream, underwear or energy drink?
So come on Mr Mallya, why not pick up your paddle
And put an Englishman with experience in the RCB saddle?
But surely Yuvi is slightly beyond his prime?
Why not spend much less on a fully fit foreigner-wink wink
Who can pose for fairness cream, underwear or energy drink?
So come on Mr Mallya, why not pick up your paddle
And put an Englishman with experience in the RCB saddle?
Just FYI, I have a certificate in Bollywood dance
Imagine the opportunities for cross-marketing this will enhance
Of course I fully understand the logic in picking Finch
But is explosive batting enough if a cup you want to clinch?
VVS Laxman, why not classily glance in this direction
And complement Finch's fury with a prime West Midlands selection?
Imagine the opportunities for cross-marketing this will enhance
Of course I fully understand the logic in picking Finch
But is explosive batting enough if a cup you want to clinch?
VVS Laxman, why not classily glance in this direction
And complement Finch's fury with a prime West Midlands selection?
What I love about India is the ancient culture on every street
I am not a neo-colonial firang who complains about food and heat.
Who is Ben Cutting? Never heard of the little shit
Just checked his Cricinfo profile. One T20 wicket! Typical Aussie tit
Come on Shilpa Shetty, you can do better than that guy!
Hum press conference main thoduh thoduh Hindi bohl sucktah hai
Full postI am not a neo-colonial firang who complains about food and heat.
Who is Ben Cutting? Never heard of the little shit
Just checked his Cricinfo profile. One T20 wicket! Typical Aussie tit
Come on Shilpa Shetty, you can do better than that guy!
Hum press conference main thoduh thoduh Hindi bohl sucktah hai
'Drinking tea on a train is a true skill'
That, plus more chicken-restaurant tweets than you can shake a drumstick at
Alex Bowden
13-Feb-2014
It's okay. There's no Piers Morgan in this. There's quite a lot of Nando's, but it's way down near the bottom so you're safe reading the first bit.
The sacking
Andrew Flintoff finds cause for optimism for Kevin Pietersen in the story of a particularly mediocre pop band.
Full postAndrew Flintoff finds cause for optimism for Kevin Pietersen in the story of a particularly mediocre pop band.
Why Australia will beat South Africa 2-1
You can't sneeze at a side that has Nathan Lyon, that's why
Matt Cleary
10-Feb-2014
And so to South Africa for these New Australians, and the first big test and reality check following their dismemberment of the Worst Poms Ever. How will things pan out? If you knew, you'd be on to your least favourite bookmaker, such are the ways of men. But you don't, so you won't.
You might have a feeling and guess in an educated fashion. But you don't know. Beefy Botham thought he knew. He tipped England - five-blot, no less - before the Ashes and no one outright guffawed. Indeed plenty nodded along, thinking, Beefy knows heaps about cricket, walking with elephants, and the 1978 Grange Hermitage.
As we found out, Beefy was quite wrong. Yet it needn't preclude Beefy - or indeed battling nuff-nuff columnists - from making predictions. Because Beefy's bullishness and WMDs in Iraq aside, people don't really remember predictions that go wrong. Those who predict that Harry's Boy is a certainty in the fifth at Royal Randwick, these guys still have jobs the next week despite Harry's Boy running in an entirely other direction. And people will still ask Beefy what he thinks about cricket, elephants and expensive antique plonk. And as long as he can make a case, people will stroke their mental goat-beards and muse: I agree or I do not agree or I would kill for a cheeseburger.
Full postWhy KP was sacked
The ECB reveals all in a sensational, no-holds-barred press conference
Alan Tyers
07-Feb-2014
Lord's. A press conference. An ECB spokeswonk is shoved, kicking and screaming, onto the stage.
Spokeswonk: Members of the press, thanks for coming. I will read a short statement and then there will be time for a few questions afterwards.
Journalist: Would you like to give us an explanation about why Kevin Pietersen was sacked?
Full postThe ECB's vagueness problem
All that we know for certain is that Pietersen is out. The rest is a blurry collage of noncommittal sentences
Alex Bowden
06-Feb-2014
Nature abhors a vacuum, but the ECB does not. It has created one in the middle order and another in public discourse. Facts about Kevin Pietersen's sacking are hard to come by. Omerta is in effect, and so fans are left to piece together a blurry collage using sentences culled from various articles, all of which begin "it is said… " or "there is a belief… "
How many horror films have been terrifying when you didn't know what you were even scared about, only to fall flat when the big revelation came? "Oh, it's just a giant spider. Ho hum." In the absence of detail, people's imaginations fill in the gaps with something that is invariably more extreme and powerful than the truth.
The vagueness surrounding Pietersen's departure encourages conjecture. In fact, considering who's involved, it positively demands it. But it can go both ways such that a guy who's clearly a right pain to work with is now starting to look like some kind of martyr. This is quite some achievement by the England and Wales Cricket Board.
Full postLittle Seven hold cricket hostage
Plus: Stuart Broad walks the talk, and more vital news you may have missed
R Rajkumar
03-Feb-2014
Criminal past catches up with Umar Akmal
Lahore police today conceded that had it not been for Umar Akmal's prior criminal record, he would have been let off without so much as a slap on the wrist for his alleged misbehaviour with wardens after a traffic violation.
Lahore police today conceded that had it not been for Umar Akmal's prior criminal record, he would have been let off without so much as a slap on the wrist for his alleged misbehaviour with wardens after a traffic violation.
"It's true, if it weren't for that list of priors, he wouldn't have had to sit in jail for 12 hours and be facing the very real possibility of prison time for a simple traffic infraction," confirmed Zahid Nawaz, Assistant Superintendent of Police. "One wonders if Umar now regrets repeatedly committing crimes against fashion by wearing that hideous green lip-balm during matches," he added with a sad shake of the head. "It just goes to show that it simply doesn't pay to lead a life of delinquency and callous disregard for the law."
Little Seven continue to hold cricket hostage
The so-called Little Seven of cricket continue to hold the game hostage with unreasonable demands, pressing ahead with plans to disrupt the proposed restructuring of the ICC.
Full postThe so-called Little Seven of cricket continue to hold the game hostage with unreasonable demands, pressing ahead with plans to disrupt the proposed restructuring of the ICC.
For the love of Aussie hard-cases
No country produces more leathery, ornery tough guys than Australia (which does not explain what Monty Panesar's doing in this XI)
Matt Cleary
31-Jan-2014
1. Kepler Wessels
Trained so hard to become a Test opening batsmen, he scored 162 on debut for Australia despite a) being South African, and b) batting like a lobster with a cramp. Later, as coach of Northamptonshire he made Monty Panesar bowl so many overs he didn't know how to do anything else.
Trained so hard to become a Test opening batsmen, he scored 162 on debut for Australia despite a) being South African, and b) batting like a lobster with a cramp. Later, as coach of Northamptonshire he made Monty Panesar bowl so many overs he didn't know how to do anything else.
2. Geoff Marsh
Installed a bowling machine in the shed of his wheat farm and had his wife feed him cricket balls that shot from the beast at 100mph. Marsh made sure never to anger his wife before training. A devotee of the punishing 10km road run (even though he'd already made the Test team) Marsh would sprint the full distance and would be disappointed if he wasn't vomiting by the end of it. A Bob Simpson Mini-Me, he ran coaching sessions for Australia and Zimbabwe and would be disappointed if his players weren't vomiting at the end of them.
Installed a bowling machine in the shed of his wheat farm and had his wife feed him cricket balls that shot from the beast at 100mph. Marsh made sure never to anger his wife before training. A devotee of the punishing 10km road run (even though he'd already made the Test team) Marsh would sprint the full distance and would be disappointed if he wasn't vomiting by the end of it. A Bob Simpson Mini-Me, he ran coaching sessions for Australia and Zimbabwe and would be disappointed if his players weren't vomiting at the end of them.
3. Don Bradman
Hit the ball against the corrugated-iron water tanker in the New South Wales Southern Highlands town of Bowral for so long that he became the greatest batsman in the history of the game. Was a man who trained mind and body in a time when such things were considered "a bit out there", almost like voodoo.
Full postHit the ball against the corrugated-iron water tanker in the New South Wales Southern Highlands town of Bowral for so long that he became the greatest batsman in the history of the game. Was a man who trained mind and body in a time when such things were considered "a bit out there", almost like voodoo.
'Never discuss cheese with rats or talk bread with birds'
The finer points of animal etiquette and more, in the latest Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
30-Jan-2014
This week's Twitter round-up mostly centres on getting up early. You may think that cricketers do this because they're productive, successful, driven people. In reality, it's usually just that they've forgotten to change their alarm clock or something.
The dish
Full postEngland's secret plan to not play Australia revealed
The ECB explores South American options and the merits of playing inanimate objects
Alan Tyers
27-Jan-2014
Following the furore over the ECB, BCCI and Cricket Australia "position paper" outlining their plans for world domination cricket, it has emerged that the ECB has produced a further, unilateral, document.
"It has become critical that we become more selective about the international sides against whom we play," reveals an extract. "If we have to keep on playing Australia regularly, UK consumers are simply going to stop watching."
The report outlines the belief that a competitive national side is vital for the health of cricket in England, and that "if we keep getting slaughtered by Australia then people are not going to keep paying for TV subscriptions. In addition, our most important match-day supporter stakeholders (i.e. drunk financiers who take a box at Lord's) are success-driven people who want to see results. They don't want to watch England being beaten."
Full postGive administrators the freedom to eat themselves
Let the Australian, English and Indian boards do what they want regardless of our wishes. They'll soon learn
Alex Bowden
23-Jan-2014
A friend of a friend operates according to the "oh let him, he'll soon learn" parental philosophy. The central tenet is that you should let your son do any old stupid thing because "he'll soon learn".
For example, if your toddler is wending his way towards a roaring open fire, rather than allowing any nearby adult to intervene in order to protect him from harm, you instead hold everyone back, saying: "Oh let him - he'll soon learn." The child promptly sustains a severe injury, but presumably doesn't make the same mistake again.
Well, I vote we adopt this laissez-faire approach to nannying with the cricket administrators of Australia, England and India. We can't control them; they do what they want regardless of our wishes. Why don't we leave them to it? They'll soon learn.
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