A post-mortem of England's 2015 World Cup campaign

We cannot escape. The World Cup has us in its gravitational field and over the next few weeks we will be pulled inexorably towards the hype event horizon, as waves of previews, pull-outs, predictions and patriotic page-filling piffle batter remorselessly against our cynicism shields.

But if you're an English cricket fan already suffering from World Cup preview fatigue, I can offer the antidote, courtesy of the future.

It is a little known fact that if you read the final chapter of Kevin Pietersen's recent book backwards, removing the third letter of every negative adjective used to describe Andy Flower, the text reveals a viable method for constructing your own working time machine.

The machine is powered by an Ego Drive, which can be a problem if your ego is medium-sized. However, by following a few simple exercises, such as going into your local greengrocer's to complain about the redness of the tomatoes, sending back the French fries in your nearest fast food joint, and calling random friends to accuse them of not offering enough support to you over the years, your ego will quadruple in size, and once hooked up to the Ego Drive, you'll have a limitless source of time travel power.

Having followed Professor Pietersen's instructions, I managed to build my own time machine and am just back from a trip into the future. Obviously there are many things I can't tell you about, particularly the disastrous goings-on during President Bieber's second term, but there is one thing I can give you: a preview of next year's post-World Cup ECB report.

Being knocked out of the World Cup, along with losing the Ashes, is one of those recurring moments in English cricket, the gravity of which can only be properly respected by a long-winded, sweeping review of everything.

Hence 2015's Willis Report, the result of a series of brutal McCarthy-style interrogations by the former England fast bowler and his fearsome committee of misanthropes. Here are the highlights:

Under cross-examination, Alastair Cook, the former England captain could offer no explanation for the 150-run loss to Australia, other than to say the team had taken the positives from that game into the next fixture against New Zealand, when they lost by 145 runs, which he regarded as a step in the right direction.

The committee took a short indignation break before returning to ask Mr Cook to explain his decision to employ James Anderson as a pinch hitter against Sri Lanka. Mr Cook said that he had been trying to be spontaneous, which also explained his decision to allow Ian Bell to bowl the final over, from which Sri Lanka scored the required 57 runs for victory.

At this point, Mr Cook broke down in tears, accusing the committee of 'being really really mean' and was replaced by Mr Peter Moores, the former England coach. When asked about the mood in the England camp following the defeat to Bangladesh, he alleged that it was positive, and that the argument between Ben Stokes and Chris Woakes that led to their fighting a duel behind the pavilion was evidence of their patriotic fighting spirit.

The committee asked Mr Moores about the batting tactics, specifically the plan to 'dig in for the first 48 overs, then have a bit of a go in the last two'. Mr Moores defended the tactics on the grounds that England had lost only two wickets in their final game against Afghanistan. The committee accepted his argument, but pointed out that a total of 98 for 2 was not really competitive in modern 50-over cricket.

The witnesses were then sent down to await sentencing, and the committee adjourned to the bar of the Microphone and Grumble, from where they issued the following wide-ranging recommendations to sort out English cricket good and proper:

1. A radical restructuring of English domestic cricket, specifically, changing the name of the T20 tournament again.

2. The abolition of the 50-over format.

3. The search for the next England captain to be restricted to entertaining, foreign-born extroverts whose names begin with Kevin.