How to do Australia like a pro

No one wants to stand out as a tourist while travelling in Australia. The gawky, bumbling traveller sporting a bum bag whilst thumbing a Lonely Planet does not cut a romantic figure. How, then, to conduct oneself? Well, not that differently from the way you would at home, actually. Australia's modern cities are much the same as elsewhere in the Western world. There is no need to don khaki and a hiking pack, or work with a compass. The country's famous rugged outback and wild coasts do exist but they lie a long way from any cricket ground.

This isn't to say that Australia doesn't have its idiosyncrasies. The "land down under" is a vast, sunwashed island whose unique society is shaped by indigenous settlement, British colonisation and several waves of Asian and European migration. This has brought into being a distinctly Australian manner of speaking, dining and drinking. So although your trip to Australia won't be filled with emu races and kangaroo boxing, you might want to consider these handy "do's and don'ts" for negotiating Australian society. After all, nobody likes a "drongo".

Do: dress for the blazing sun
This is more difficult than it sounds - especially if you're English. Negotiating the harsh Australian summer can be tricky. Wear too much and you'll swoon; wear too little and you'll fry. The Barmy Army don't wear shirts, but you should. Some Australians wear watermelons on their heads. The reason for this is not entirely clear, but doing so is by no means mandatory. Most locals make do with a hat, and this is strongly recommended if you are sitting in the sun. The standard local footwear is thongs, Australian for flip-flops (not a g-string), or a nice pair of sandals. When your socks grow sweaty and you want to join in the fun, you can always pick up a pair of pluggers (another term for thongs) at a supermarket for $10.

Finally, and this cannot be stressed enough, make use of sun cream. A day of cricket without sun cream means you'll spend the next day weeping alone.

Don't: take language literally
In Australia, people who are not your friend will call you "mate" and people who are your friend will call you a w****r. Of course, sometimes your mate actually is your mate - the term does mean friend. However, "mate" is also growled angrily at queue-jumpers by thirsty patrons in the line for the bar. Sounds complicated? It's not. The key to deciphering Australian vernacular lies in tone and body language. Example: If someone laughingly tells you to "piss off", it is unlikely they are advising you to make use of that most Australian of venues, the "dunny".

Do: be prepared to talk about sport… and talk about sport… and talk about sport
It goes without saying that if you are in Australia for the World Cup, you don't mind sport. This will work to your advantage. Sport is Australia's conversational currency. Attempts to engage locals in conversation about high culture will more than likely be met with a dismissive nod. But walk into a bar, ask a stranger the score and you might find your next drink bought for you. Be it cricket, footy, rugby, soccer, or even the Alice Springs Camel Cup, your enquiries are likely to elicit an unexpected volubility.

Don't: invoke the name "Trevor", ever
In a dingy little corner of the MCG that Australian cricket would rather forget, there's a framed photo of Brian McKechnie tossing his bat in disgust and some bloke down the other end rolling a ball along the ground. On a tiny piece of white paper, planted above by some larrikin, is printed: "The Trevor Chappell Commemorative Alcove of Shame". This infamous incident is something that shouldn't be brought up with a New Zealander. Needless to say, there's no love lost between the countries on either side of the Tasman.

Australia's other classic rival is England. With the ties of Commonwealth ever loosening, Poms are loved and lightly ridiculed all at once. If you receive any stick, give it back and friendship may ensue. Loudmouth Aussies will try to take on the Barmy Army, but these malcontents generally just make noise rather than employ wit.

Do: know your beer terminology
What to order? A pint, a middy, a pot or a schooner? Australia is, in general, a homogenous place: a pie in Melbourne tastes the same as a pie in Queensland, and the regional accents are discernible only to the well-initiated. Beer, however, is a different matter. Order a pot in Perth and you risk being reported to the authorities. Order a XXXX (pronounced 4X) in Canberra and you might end up with a smutty magazine.

Here is a handy guide to regional beers and how to order them:

* In Melbourne a pot (285 ml) of Carlton Draught or Victoria Bitter*
* In Brisbane a pot or schooner (425 ml) of XXXX (a pint gets warm before you can drink it all!)
* In Perth a middy (285 ml) of Swan Draught
* In Sydney a schooner of Resch's or Toohey's New
* In Adelaide a pint of sparkling or pale Coopers. However, and here's when things get technical, a pint in Adelaide is the same as a schooner elsewhere in Australia (425 ml), whereas ordering a schooner will get you the equivalent of a pot/middy (285 ml). To compound the difficulty, the standard pint elsewhere in Australia (and much of the rest of the world), 570 ml, is called an imperial pint in Adelaide - yes, we told you it was confusing
* In Tasmania a 10 oz (which is a pot - 285 ml) of Cascade (in Hobart and the south) or Boags (in Launceston and the north). Avoid the confusion if you are in company and simply