ECB sets conditions for Pietersen return

After incoming ECB chairman Colin Graves hinted Kevin Pietersen might one day again have the pleasure of being part of the vaunted England cricket team, the present hierarchy has moved to clarify exactly what they will require of their former star. Via an in no way hastily cobbled together dossier written on the back of a crunchy nut cornflake packet and leaked to ESPNcricinfo by fax, we can exclusively reveal exactly what the discarded batsman must do to reclaim his spot. Head honchos at Lord's have suggested their demands are "entirely reasonable".

1) Pietersen to consciously uncouple from Piers Morgan and instead enter into a loving relationship with the England backroom staff. Ways he can prove his commitment may include putting out a press release stating that "laptops are cool" or that "stats based on outmoded data are groovy". To show he's completely "over" the notoriously anti-firearms Morgan, Pietersen will also be asked to join the National Rifle Association and make a YouTube video in which he says people will only be able to "take my gun* from my cold, dead hand".

2) Kevin to turn all Giles Clarke's navy blue and black suits into a mixture of white ones and actual gold. Any dispute on their final colour shall be ruled on by a panel comprising Paul Downton, Kim Kardashian and anyone on social media.

3) Kevin to get a new tattoo on his forearm of the FIFA 15 logo but to not object when he realises Stuart and Ravi have actually asked the tattooist to instead ink in the Pro-Evolution one as a hilarious prank. Posting a picture of it on Instagram using the hashtag #youguys will show Kevin has matured enough as a team-mate to enjoy the great computer-game-based banter on offer in the England dressing room.

4) Kevin to make a decent but not too showy 58 against Sussex at Hove in early May for whichever county he's playing for. The innings should be good enough to indicate Kevin is in form but not so flamboyant that it suggests his divisive arrogance is still apparent. He will also in future prove he is fully aligned with the ethos of large sections of the British public by referring to T20 as "all this T20 nonsense" and deleting his recent tweet that suggested cricket might have changed a teensy bit in the last few years. Kevin to accept that cricket is still the same game it was five years ago even though teams are now scoring 400 at the World Cup even more often than Virat Kohli has a bit of a strop.

5) As punishment for previous window-related indiscretions, Kevin to install Venetian blinds at all cricket stadiums across the globe. He shall then stare at them until he realises clear blue skies and lovely sunshine are a disruptive influence on the team, particularly so when Jimmy takes the new ball anywhere outside England.

6) Kevin to be allowed to participate in the IPL and Big Bash League but only if he models his innings on those of Alastair Cook. The hope is that this sensible approach might rub off on impressionable young foreign players and stop them from developing into Glenn Maxwell-types who irritatingly seem to keep beating us in limited-overs matches by batting like a hurricane trapped in a revolving door.

7) Kevin to jump through hoops. But actual hoops made of barbed wire and held aloft by Mohammad Irfan above his head. Seems easy enough.

8) Kevin to single-handedly revive the Middle East peace process. Solving an entrenched socio-cultural problem that has lasted for decades and brought misery to millions should stand him in good stead when rejoining our ODI side.

9) To confirm there are no hard feelings over their 2009 mutually assured self-destruction, Kevin to borrow Joe Root's ukulele and compose a song to commemorate the reappointment of Peter Moores in both 2017 and 2021.

10) Failure to complete any of the above will result in Kevin being locked in a room with Andy Flower and a set of knuckle-dusters.