Milne AA: Essay - "An Average Man" (1925)

An Average Man, by A.A.Milne, published 1925

Of Tompkins as a natural cricketer It frequently had been remarked - that IF He'd had more opportunities of bowling, And rather more encouragement in batting; And IF his averages, so disclosed, Batting and bowling had been interchanged; And IF the field as usually set Contained some post (at the pavillion end) Whose presence rather than a pair of hands Was called for; then, before the season finished, Tompkins would certainly have played for Kent.

All this however, is beside the mark Just now I wish to hymn the glorious day (Ignored by those who write the almanacs, Unnoticed by the calendar compilers), That Wednesday afternoon, twelve months ago, When Tompkins raised his average to two.

Thanks to an interval of accidents (As "Tompkins did not bat" - and "not out 0," But this more rarely) Tompkins average Had long remained at 1.3 (Though Tompkins, sacrificing truth to pride, Or both to euphony, left out the dot - Left out the little dot upon the three, Only employing it to justify A second three to follow on the first. Thus if a stranger asked his average, Tompkins would answer "One point thirty three"- Nor lay the stress unduly on the "one"..)

A curious thing is custom ! There are men - Plum Warner is of course, a case in point - Who cannot bat unless they go in first. Others such as Hayes and Denton, have their place First wicket down ; while Number Six or so Is suited to Jessop. As for Tompkins, His place was always one above the Byes, And three above the Wides. So custom willed

Upon this famous Wednesday afternoon Wickets had fallen fast before the onslaught Of one who was, as Euclid might have put it, No length, or break, but only pace; and pace Had been too much for nine of them already. Then entered Tompkins the invincible, Took guard as usual, "just outside the leg," Looked around the field, and mentally decided To die - or raise his average to two. Whereon - for now the bowler was approaching, He struck a scientific attitude, Advanced his left leg firmly down the pitch, And swung his bat along the line AB (See Ranjitsinhji's famous book of cricket)

And when the bat and leg were both at B (Having arrived there more or less together), Then Tompkins with his usual selfeffacement, Modestly closed his eyes, and left the rest To Providence and Ranjy and the bowler (Forming a quorum); two at least of whom Resolved that he should neatly glide the ball Somewhere between the first and second slips So Tompkins did compile a chanceless two

Once more the bowler rushed upon the crease, While Tompkins made a hasty calculation (Necessitating use of decimals) And found his average was 1.5 So lustily he smote and drove the ball Loftily over long stop's head for one; Which brought the decimal to seventy-five, And Tompkins, puffing to the other end. Then, feeling that the time for risk was come, He rolled his sleeves up, blew upon his hands, And played back to a yorker, and was bowled.

Every position has its special charm. You go in first and find as a reward The wicket at its best; you go in later And find the fielders slack, the bowling loose. Tompkins who went in just above the Byes, Found one of them had slipped into his score. And Tompkins has an average of two

Thanks to Robin Court (court@titan.trl.OZ.AU) on r.s.c.