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How to write about England: a handy primer
If you're hard-pressed to come up with the right things to say, this DIY template will help
Alan Tyers
04-Jun-2015
What next for the England cricket team? Thrilling performances like Lord's, or grim capitulations like Headingley? It's getting harder and harder for writers and commentators to keep up. Here's a multipurpose deadline-busting news report to help get ahead of the game.
The feel-good factor / familiar sense of crushing disappointment was back for England cricket following their most recent inspiring / useless display.
A group of young / callow cricketers performed with no fear / idea of how to play cricket as England once again demonstrated that they are well on the way to / still light years away from consistent competence.
Full postBayliss to learn English for new job
And other cricket news you may have missed in recent days
R Rajkumar
28-May-2015
Stokes undergoes coming-of-age ceremony
Ben Stokes came of age with an all-round performance at Lord's that inspired a beleaguered team to victory against New Zealand.
Ben Stokes came of age with an all-round performance at Lord's that inspired a beleaguered team to victory against New Zealand.
Accordingly, as is the custom, Stokes will be expected to take part in certain rites that serve to mark his aforementioned transition to manhood.
In time-honoured tradition, he will first be expected, in the short interval between the first and second Tests, to take leave of his friends and family and spend three days alone in Epping Forest wearing nothing but a loincloth while seeking shelter and foraging for food.
Full postChannelling their inner Broady
No, the dog didn't eat their homework - cricketers have had much better excuses for their misdemeanours down the years
James Marsh
23-May-2015
There are few players on Earth as committed to making malevolence funny as Stuart Broad. His infamous not walking at Trent Bridge during the 2013 Ashes was a masterclass of chutzpah, in which he refused to budge from his crease after getting caught off a thick edge, wearing a facial expression that made him look guiltier than a lion flossing its teeth while sitting next to a pile of zebra bones. In the same match, he became the first person in human history to be hypnotised by his own shoelaces when he turned the simple act of doing up his boots into an odyssey even Homer may well have given up on as he wasted time trying to prevent his side having to bowl an extra over before lunch at a rampaging Brad Haddin.
In his latest installment of caddish daredevilry, Broad this week missed a sponsor's event ahead of the first Test against New Zealand, with media reports suggesting he had been out drinking the night before with Freddie Flintoff and Matt Prior, only returning to his hotel at 7am. Understandably, many people channelled their inner Poirot and put two and two together to conclude the alleged boozing may have had something to do with the absence. Those expecting a simple mea culpa from our hero, however, rather underestimated his capacity for obfuscation. In a majestic piece of self-diagnosis, Broad admitted he'd been out and apologised for his no-show, but revealed he was incapacitated not by alcohol but by "a migraine".
It was an excuse as shameless and unlikely as ''The money was just resting in my account" or "The dog ate my pen and both my hands when I attempted to write my homework." So here - in honour of England's king of contrivance - are a few other cricketing excuses that have seen eyebrows raised to near post-Botox levels.
Full post'Well, that escalated quickly!'
It's our all-singing, all-dancing, Nando's-frequenting, chocolate-eating look at what cricketers have been saying on Twitter
Alex Bowden
22-May-2015
In amongst trying and failing to sum up the Kevin Pietersen situation in a single sentence, the world's cricketers have found time to say some other stuff on Twitter. Here's some of it.
Michael Vaughan appeared to have kicked his habit of #justsaying things in recent times. Sadly, he's fallen off the wagon.
Full postAlas, poor Mooresy
The inside story of how it all went down with the England coach's sacking
Alan Tyers
13-May-2015
A devastated Peter Mooresiband has paid the price for failure and been removed from his role, and the country now looks forward to an era of "steady economic accumulation for people from the right sorts of families" under its new Conservative leader Andrew Camerstrauss.
Camerstrauss will govern with a mandate to "tighten our borders to South African c****s", and provide "opportunities for young English people, especially from Yorkshire".
Camerstrauss, identified as a "not shy conservative", is "more of a small C than a big C," argued one supporter.
Full postGayle put off by orangeness of orange cap
As the IPL and those hypnotising three-syllable chants roll on, there is a bunch of disturbing complaints making the headlines
R Rajkumar
11-May-2015
IPL fans successfully chant initials of their favourite team
Fans attending IPL matches over the weekend once again demonstrated their uncanny ability to successfully chant the initials of the team they support.
Fans attending IPL matches over the weekend once again demonstrated their uncanny ability to successfully chant the initials of the team they support.
Egged on by the stadium announcer at first, the crowd could eventually be heard stringing together the three letters in question all by themselves, according to eyewitness reports.
"Aw, it's nothing really," said a modest Sanjay Bhattacharjee, president of the KKR Fan Club. "We're just a passionate bunch who support our team enough to be able to do something special for them. If Liverpool have 'You'll Never Walk Alone', England, 'Jerusalem', and Floyd Mayweather, a resounding chorus of boos, we IPL fans have the initials of our favourite teams, which we repeat endlessly like a bunch of schoolchildren cramming together at exam time.
Full post'One giraffe doesn't make a summer'
Food appreciation, TV show critiquing, and other wild, unhinged stuff in our Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
08-May-2015
Cricketer involved in correct use of the word "literally" shocker. Paul Collingwood pays tribute to Jonathan Trott upon his retirement from international cricket.
Trott's not had the best time of late, but Saqlain Mushtaq always has advice for how to deal with your problems.
Full postNarine ordered to bowl in his pants and socks
BCCI insists schoolboy punishments for international cricketers are now the norm
James Marsh
01-May-2015
After further disputes over the legality of his action, the BCCI today declared that Sunil Narine, Kolkata Knight Riders' offspinner, must play all future IPL matches in just his pants and socks. The news comes as a further blow to the West Indian, who has already been told he can only continue to participate in the tournament on condition his contributions are limited to bowling solely his knuckle ball while standing on his head and whistling the theme tune to the Game of Thrones.
Normally a punishment reserved for schoolboys who forget their kit for PE, the BCCI's decision to insist Narine turn out in just his pants and socks has inevitably come in for a great deal of criticism, but Indian cricket's governing body yesterday stated that it believed the sanction was "proportionate and not at all unreasonable". Speaking at a press conference in Mumbai, a spokesman explained the thinking:
"For too long, Sunil has got away with repeatedly enlivening the IPL with his canny and entertaining displays. We've tried to treat him with dignity and respect by packing him off for extensive testing, clearing him to bowl and then subsequently banning him from using his offspinner, but we felt that now a more onerous punishment was in order. In the same way schoolboys who are made to play indoor football in their pants and socks are too embarrassed to ever again forget their sports kit, by making Sunil play in his pants and socks he will never again forget to keep his arm straight. You can see the logic."
Full postWhat the England director of cricket needs to do
If you have not been soundly beaten in the Ashes, or lack a properly English nickname, you're definitely not fit for the role
Alan Tyers
26-Apr-2015
The ECB are looking for a director of cricket but aren't making the job description public. Some cynics are even suggesting they're going to hire someone and then reverse-engineer the job spec afterwards.
But could the secret job listing go something like this?
"An opportunity has arisen to take charge of the England cricket team at one of the most challenging times in its history. The successful applicant's first duty will be morale-raising, hand-holding and basic first aid when the men's team take on Australia and their daunting pace attack during the Ashes.
Full post'Yes, I have always had a massive chin'
Confessions and encyclopaedic info in our Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
24-Apr-2015
For all who think that Kemar Roach offers little of value on Twitter, you're clearly not asking the right questions. If you're looking for certain answers, he's undeniably the man to go to. Well-informed and to the point, he's unparalleled as a source of valuable information; a veritable fount of knowledge who won't um and ah and beat about the bush.
For example, where was the first Test, Kemar?
Full postMost Read
Writers