IPL fans successfully chant initials of their favourite team
Fans attending IPL matches over the weekend once again demonstrated their uncanny ability to successfully chant the initials of the team they support.

Egged on by the stadium announcer at first, the crowd could eventually be heard stringing together the three letters in question all by themselves, according to eyewitness reports.

"Aw, it's nothing really," said a modest Sanjay Bhattacharjee, president of the KKR Fan Club. "We're just a passionate bunch who support our team enough to be able to do something special for them. If Liverpool have 'You'll Never Walk Alone', England, 'Jerusalem', and Floyd Mayweather, a resounding chorus of boos, we IPL fans have the initials of our favourite teams, which we repeat endlessly like a bunch of schoolchildren cramming together at exam time.

"It's the least we can do," he added. "And I mean that quite literally, you know."

In a further boost for IPL teams, latest reports indicate that increasing numbers of fans are able these days to not just successfully remember who their favourite team played against yesterday, but also who their favourite team in fact is.

Gayle refuses to wear orange cap
Chris Gayle has stated that while he appreciates the gesture, he will henceforth no longer wear the orange cap awarded to the leading run scorer of the IPL if the opportunity ever came his way again. Gayle cited aesthetic reasons for his decision.

"Totally messes up my colour scheme, man," moaned the Royal Challengers Bangalore opener. "Bright orange on top of red and gold? Are you kidding me? The last time something clashed so hard, Ottis Gibson was coach and I was trying to get back into the West Indies team."

Gayle would neither confirm nor deny that there were occasions during the tournament when he didn't score as many runs as he could have just so he could get out of wearing the hideous cap, but he did agree that if only the leading run scorer would be allowed to wear something like an orange arm band or, "oh, I don't know, an orange gold chain, perhaps", in lieu of an orange cap, it would "probably solve a lot of my problems".

The offending batsman will have his name be put on an offenders' list, and will be required by law to introduce himself as someone who likes to expose his stumps at bowlers who don't know any better

Batsman facing jail time for exposing stumps
An IPL batsman has been slapped with a seven-month jail term and ordered to sign an offender's register for exposing all three of his stumps to a young bowler, according to sources.

The judge reportedly handed down the penalty after careful consideration of the facts, which include the age of the victim, the number of stumps the batsman exposed, and the fact that the lewd act was performed not just in the presence of the bowler and fans but also before a national audience, many of them children.

The batsman will have his name put on an offenders' list, and will be required by law to go door to door in whichever neighbourhood he resides for the next five years and introduce himself as someone who likes to expose his stumps at bowlers who don't know any better.

Shaved Vettori face fails to reveal any trace of human emotion
Daniel Vettori's freshly shaven face has failed to reveal any hint of human warmth or emotion, according to observers.

The Kiwi legend, who only a few weeks ago could be seen sporting a full-blown hipster beard during the course of the recently concluded World Cup, apparently decided to shave it off as he embarked upon his latest role as coach of Royal Challengers Bangalore.

Thus far, however, the shearing appears to have made Vettori seem even more cold and aloof than usual.

"If anything, it's an even more intimidating sight now," said one female TV personality who had to get uncomfortably up close and personal with the formerly hirsute New Zealander for an interview during the course of a match featuring his team over the weekend.

"When he had that beard, one could at least give him the benefit of the doubt and at least pretend that maybe, just maybe, hidden somewhere under all that bush, there was the hint of a smile from time to time. But now that it's gone and his face has no place to hide as such, it simply underlines the fact that there's nothing there," she added with a shiver. "There's simply… nothing… there."

When reached for comment, Vettori narrowed his eyes, set his jaw, and stared off into the middle distance while muttering something to himself about how "the time is nigh for Lizard People to rule the earth once again."

Signed match-ball recipient looks nowhere near excited enough
Meanwhile, a random fan who won the opportunity to receive a "signed match ball" looked nowhere near excited enough upon receiving it, according to MS Dhoni, the man who signed the ball.

The fan, who was specially chosen by the sponsors for the privilege and who dispassionately watched the Chennai Super Kings v Rajasthan Royals match from something called the Hospitality Stand, apparently received the ball from Dhoni without so much as a flicker of emotion on his face, let alone any trace of excitement, according to Dhoni.

"He just kind of took the ball and then posed for the photo and then that was it," said the visibly disturbed captain after the match. "It was as though I wasn't good enough or something."

At press time, Dhoni could be seen trotting after the fan as he walked wordlessly out of the stadium, repeatedly asking him, "Is it me? Is it something I did?", and pleading with the man to "dammit, just give me another chance".

R Rajkumar tweets @roundarmraj

All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that, didn't you?