A fair-dinkum post-mortem

Merv Hughes: Shut it.

Glenn McGrath: Yeah, it's not like we've lost the Ashes or something.

Steve Waugh: Glenn, we have. I keep telling you this. What don't you understand?

McGrath: I still think we'll win 5-0.

Waugh: We won't. The series is over. We lost the Ashes.

Damien Martyn: What went wrong, Tugga? How did we lose to the Poms?

Waugh: You name it: batting, bowling, fielding - we were rubbish all round. What did you make of the batting, Haydos?

Matthew Hayden: The skillset execution wasn't as consistent as we have come to expect from the batsmanship executors.

Waugh: Er, what?

Hayden: The batsmanship executors needed to get in the box seat to drive a controlling interest in the field of play. That's what's so integral to our core values. That's the magic and the fabric of playing for the baggy green.

Waugh: What?

Hayden: When Matthew Hayden first put on that baggy green, he took an oath to the cricket that he would one day execute. Matthew Hayden played for the traditions, mateship and skill execution of Australianism as we have known it since…

M Hughes: Shut it.

Waugh: Well said, Merv. Sorry Matty, but you were talking out of your arse.

Hayden: What you have just done is a slight on the noble traditions of the baggy green [storms out]

Waugh: Glenn, what about the pace bowling? Is it as bad as it seems? Can we fix Mitchell Johnson?

McGrath: Oh yeah, easy. He's not doing much wrong.

Waugh: Really? He's been all over the place everywhere bar Perth.

McGrath: Yeah, just a couple of tweaks. That's all that's needed. If he could bowl, say, six balls out of six at the top of off stump, that'd make a big difference, for a start. Then if he could hit the seam a bit more, get his arm a bit higher, maybe be a bit taller. Easy.

Waugh: Easy... [rolls eyes]

McGrath: Maybe bowl right-handed as well.

Waugh: Riiiiight. And the rest of them?

McGrath: Same. 5-0. Easy.

Martyn: Why didn't Punter never bowl Glenn or Warney, Tugga?

Waugh: Because they're retired, Damo.

Martyn: But why?

Waugh: They weren't playing. They're retired.

Martyn: But why?

Waugh: Because... say, Damo?

Martyn: Yeah? [looks excited]

Waugh: You couldn't go and get me my lucky red handkerchief, could you?

Martyn: Yes, yes. Definitely. Where is it?

Waugh: It's at the WACA. It'll probably take you a couple of weeks to get it. Is that okay?

Martyn: Yes, yes. Definitely, definitely. Anything for you, Tugga. Anything.

Hayden: Gentlemen, look at this. This is what it's all about. This is why we continually evolve our skillsets. This is why we execute. This is all the pride and mateship and Australianism made tangible. Behold its green, baggy majesty.

M Hughes: Shut it.

Waugh: Well said, Merv.

McGrath: 5-0.