Headline fever
Since England lost to Bangladesh and exited the World Cup at the group stages, David Hopps finds himself surfing the news headlines in search of light relief and discovers instead that there is no hope of escape
David Hopps
11-Mar-2015
Despondency has taken hold. For more than 30 years, I have watched England play cricket, tramped around the county grounds of England, and endured endless humiliations in the club game. All in the belief that one day everything in English cricket will turn out fine.
Now I fear it never will.
Virtually every news headline seems to carry a dark message for England cricket. While the World Cup goes on, there can be no escape. I think I have a fever: headline fever.
Revealed: how a chameleon changes colour (The Guardian)
Let's start by "taking the positives". If a chameleon can change colour then so can English cricket. It's all to do with changing the spacing between cells apparently. When males encounter a male competitor, a chameleon's skin turns from green to yellow. That's clearly the only reason why Australia, permanently yellow, are always more up for a fight.
Let's start by "taking the positives". If a chameleon can change colour then so can English cricket. It's all to do with changing the spacing between cells apparently. When males encounter a male competitor, a chameleon's skin turns from green to yellow. That's clearly the only reason why Australia, permanently yellow, are always more up for a fight.
Apple Watch battery lasts as little as three hours (Daily Telegraph)
A bit of a setback, and particularly bad news for Peter Moores, as he drills into the data. Any temptation to make constant phone calls to an England captain in the field is scuppered by the chance that the battery on his Apple watch will go dead in the vital final overs. At least that plan can't happen.
A bit of a setback, and particularly bad news for Peter Moores, as he drills into the data. Any temptation to make constant phone calls to an England captain in the field is scuppered by the chance that the battery on his Apple watch will go dead in the vital final overs. At least that plan can't happen.
Have scientists found the elixir of youth? (Daily Telegraph)
Mix an antihistamine with a cancer drug and an anti-infammatory and, we learn, elderly mice have been dashing around with new resolve. England likes nothing better than looking back to the glory years. Force feed Botham, Flintoff and Boycott (he thinks these super-bats will transform him) and await the benefits. Pity Compo passed away before he could take advantage.
Mix an antihistamine with a cancer drug and an anti-infammatory and, we learn, elderly mice have been dashing around with new resolve. England likes nothing better than looking back to the glory years. Force feed Botham, Flintoff and Boycott (he thinks these super-bats will transform him) and await the benefits. Pity Compo passed away before he could take advantage.
Get breeding, Iran leaders tell populace (The Guardian)
Face the facts: cricket lovers are hard to find in England these days. Time to take a leaf out of Iran's book. Those of both sexes who are vaguely athletic, above legal age and who know the name of three England cricketers should be taken immediately to a purpose-built breeding centre and remain there for a period of 12 months. The planning for the 2043 World Cup starts now.
Face the facts: cricket lovers are hard to find in England these days. Time to take a leaf out of Iran's book. Those of both sexes who are vaguely athletic, above legal age and who know the name of three England cricketers should be taken immediately to a purpose-built breeding centre and remain there for a period of 12 months. The planning for the 2043 World Cup starts now.
Nicky Morgan urges 'curriculum for life' to deal with sexting and pornography (The Guardian)
The seedy side of the web is a cause for concern, but before the Government acts, we could at last dabble a little, couldn't we, so stirring cricket interest among the nation's testosterone-driven teenagers? Thinking Chatlines, Skype, Facebook: Spam contacts in suggestive poses chatting obsessively about fielding positions in the Royal London Cup. Any views from marketing?
The seedy side of the web is a cause for concern, but before the Government acts, we could at last dabble a little, couldn't we, so stirring cricket interest among the nation's testosterone-driven teenagers? Thinking Chatlines, Skype, Facebook: Spam contacts in suggestive poses chatting obsessively about fielding positions in the Royal London Cup. Any views from marketing?
Ireland just made ecstasy and other drugs legal 'by accident' (Daily Mirror)
Basically, thanks to a legal ruling, we have about 24 hours to dash across the Irish Sea and buy up as much ecstasy as possible.
Basically, thanks to a legal ruling, we have about 24 hours to dash across the Irish Sea and buy up as much ecstasy as possible.
Conservatives plan to pay students up to £15,000 to take maths and physics degrees (The Independent)
Maybe our guys just can't add up? 276 to win? Divide by 50. Four-an-over will do it.
Maybe our guys just can't add up? 276 to win? Divide by 50. Four-an-over will do it.
EXCLUSIVE: New twist in Crufts 'murder' as The Sun offers £5,000 reward (The Sun)
If dogs were allegedly murdered at Crufts, would a Hit Squad on the world's top cricketers be acceptable social behaviour? If we can't raise our own standards perhaps we could destroy everybody else's.
If dogs were allegedly murdered at Crufts, would a Hit Squad on the world's top cricketers be acceptable social behaviour? If we can't raise our own standards perhaps we could destroy everybody else's.
The dark arts are nothing new (The Times)
Can propaganda ease our pain? The Times looks at growing tension with Russia and reminds us that Britain's War Propaganda Bureau was set up with such an aim in 1914. A century of experience we need to put to good use. Everything you read about the World Cup is a pack of lies. We are actually winning. Hadn't you realised?
Can propaganda ease our pain? The Times looks at growing tension with Russia and reminds us that Britain's War Propaganda Bureau was set up with such an aim in 1914. A century of experience we need to put to good use. Everything you read about the World Cup is a pack of lies. We are actually winning. Hadn't you realised?
Churchill's family give collection of his paintings to the nation to help settle £9.4m inheritance tax bill (Daily Mail)
Cricket in England is a deeply conservative sport, obsessed with tradition, resistant to change, content to operate in a space where it feels secure, whatever the cost. So who better than Churchill to rouse those who work within the game? If the Churchill family are flogging some paintings to cope with inheritance tax, maybe they can dust off some old speeches and send them down to Lord's. Knowing English cricket, this is the solution they will probably go for.
Cricket in England is a deeply conservative sport, obsessed with tradition, resistant to change, content to operate in a space where it feels secure, whatever the cost. So who better than Churchill to rouse those who work within the game? If the Churchill family are flogging some paintings to cope with inheritance tax, maybe they can dust off some old speeches and send them down to Lord's. Knowing English cricket, this is the solution they will probably go for.
David Hopps is the UK editor of ESPNcricinfo @davidkhopps