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The Heavy Ball

Sex, lies and a captain you can smoke

It's not all fun and games - the sex dossier has given rise to a few complications for the Indian side

Harbhajan Singh's joy know no bounds, Sri Lanka v India, Compaq Cup, final, Colombo, September 14, 2009

A few Indian players after having misread the whereabouts clause attached to the sex chapter of Kirsten's dossier  •  AFP

While the "have sex before playing cricket" clause in the now-famous leaked Gary "The Monk of Bonk" Kirsten dossier has led to much embarrassment for the Indian cricket team, it has also created an unexpected backlash. Apparently the Indian players' wives and girlfriends have retaliated with a "play cricket before having sex" clause of their own.
"In the interests of better performance, we insist that our men play some good, hard cricket before having sex," said one of the team India WAGs. The players' wives and girlfriends were speaking at the inauguration of the BCCI - Babes for Cricket before Copulation in India - a new body (heh heh) that will ensure the new suggestions are implemented.
"Well, at least Kirsten is asking us to have sex before cricket, and the ladies are asking us to play cricket before sex. Until now, we were only taking instructions from the BCCI, which always asks us to play cricket before (and after) playing cricket," said skipper MS Dhoni, who did not want to be named. (Oops.) "Oh, the original BCCI, not the new one," he clarified with his trademark mischievous grin.
"Damn. This puts me in a spot. Now that I'm injured, I can't play cricket. Since I can't play cricket, I can't have sex. And if I can't have sex, then I can't play cricket. Woe is me," said a disconsolate Yuvraj Singh, turning unexpectedly Shakespearean towards the end of his sentence. "I wonder if that's a Catch-22 situation, a contradiction, or a paradox?" he pondered, reaching for his copy of Godel, Escher, Bach: The Eternal Golden Braid.
Rumour also has it that now that coach Kirsten has made his requirements clear, the players are hurriedly asking the BCCI (the original one, not the new one) to not allow the WAGs to travel with the team. "Poor things. With the amount of cricket we play, they will get tired. Or even injured," said an unusually considerate-sounding player who did not want to be named. (Whew. Got it right that time.)
Meanwhile, the Pakistan team has shown much amusement at the ridiculous controversy that their arch-rivals have been saddled with. "Hahaha. Kirsten wants them to have sex before matches? I wonder what he'll want them to do before net practice?" said stand-in skipper Shahid Afridi. "At this rate, we'll hammer them on Saturday. Then they'll have all the time in the world to have sex," he said, his joy quickly turning to sorrow. He then left to audition for the role of Boromir or Faramir in a new Lord of The Rings musical.
"Wait, wait. Just give me a moment… I'll come up with a joke using some play on the words "balls", "leg slip", "deep gully" or something. Please, just a moment…" pleaded Imran Nazir to increasingly impatient reporters. He then left to audition for the role of Itto Ogami in a new Lone Wolf and Cub musical.
In other news, the young West Indies side haven't allowed themselves to be demoralised by their defeat at the hands of Pakistan. "We're still upbeat. Our captain continues to motivate us - all we need to do is smoke his second name and listen to his first ;)" said a young player, who didn't bother to wink since he had already used the relevant emoticon in his sentence.

Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at
Any or all quotes and facts in this article may be wholly or partly fiction (but you knew that already, didn't you?)