Where we stand, or sit, in the scheme of things

(Two cricket fanatics with their views on world cricket from a Dunedin sofa)

"I've been thinking long and hard about where we stand in world cricket at the moment mate, and no matter which way you look at it, we aren't at the top."

"That would be fair comment."

"I've been thinking how we can get there. And I think I've cracked it."

"Really? "

"Mongrel, mate, that's the answer, but a far more subtle form of mongrel than what they're calling for in rugby - cricket, after all, is a far more subtle game."

"It certainly is. So you want Nash back in the side?"

"It's not that simple, pal, though it's true Dion does understand the need to follow through down the wicket right into the batsman's face."

"I've seen Dion take a catch off his own bowling at third man."

"Indeed. But I'm thinking more of the names we currently have in the CLEAR Black Caps."

"The names?"

"Think about it. What is the greatest name in world cricket today?"

"Inzamam-ul-Haq."

"Precisely. That is a phenomenal name for a cricketer. And no matter that the man in question can barely run between wickets without calling for a chair to take a rest, he hasn't failed with the bat in eighteen months."

"I like Waqar and Wasim too in that Pakistan side. Wonderful attacking fast bowlers' names."

"They are that. Wasim! The name is like an appeal. Ball rocks into the batsman's pads - "WASIM??" An umpire can only raise the finger when confronted with such an exclamation."

"And Waqar - perfect for a quick. "Give me the ball skipper and I'll Waqar him between the eyes!"

"But mate, what do we have in the Black Caps? Spearman is fine, and Vettori and Parore could come straight off the credits for the Sopranos TV series. But that's it. McMillan, Fleming, O'Connor, Walker, Martin, Richardson....these names do not instill fear in an opposition."

"They don't, you're right."

"I mean, when the call went out for mongrel from the All Blacks after the World Cup, we suddenly saw new names like Cribb, Hammett and Feek. One-punch no-nonsense names. And straight away we slaughtered Scotland and Western Samoa, so it clearly worked. Call me old-fashioned, pal, but I think some of the Black Caps' names should be changed as well."

"I see where you're taking this. Any suggestions?"

"Well we need eight more. I've made up a list."

"I'm sure you have."

"Roll your tongue over these mate - Barr-Bell, Munt, Skragg, Tonka and Mussolini."

"I like those names a lot. But you need three more."

"I can count, cobber. I've gone pretty damn lateral with nine, ten and jack, I'm calling all three Inzamam-ul-Haq."

"Sublime! But won't people get confused?"

"Did they get confused with the Waughs or the Crowes, pal? And all those Hadlees? No, they didn't. In fact, my twelfth man is Inzaman-ul-Haq as well."

"Outstanding! There won't be a finer-sounding team in world cricket."

"Or one that inspires more fear. Mongrel with subtlety, mate, it's the only answer."