'Everybody wants the cheese, but they're not prepared to get stuck in the trap'
'Everybody wants the cheese, but they're not prepared to get stuck in the trap'

You've got to fight for your right to dairy. Plus other delights

'Any advice on how you get a bat out of the house?'
'Any advice on how you get a bat out of the house?'

Pests galore in our Twitter round-up

'My dates confirm to drink rum'
'My dates confirm to drink rum'

Is it time to imbibe? Check our Twitter round-up to see if the stars are aligned

'If you don't have a strip club at home, you ain't a player'
'If you don't have a strip club at home, you ain't a player'

Must-have residential amenities, golfing in the airport, colon cleansing and other joys in our Twitter round-up

'Happy birthday to the world's best-looking bald man'
'Happy birthday to the world's best-looking bald man'

Plus: golfing with chavs, the burning to desire to deliver punches to the groin, and other delightful stuff

'This woman almost get run over looking at my car!'
'This woman almost get run over looking at my car!'

The perils of being Kemar Roach, plus ridiculous paintings, and all kinds of peripheral Ashes action

'We're receiving reports of Aussies in trouble'
'We're receiving reports of Aussies in trouble'

The Nottingham police take notice of the Ashes at Trent Bridge, and so does everyone else

'When did someone transport the Nagpur wicket to Lord's?'
'When did someone transport the Nagpur wicket to Lord's?'

A large helping of the Ashes, a drizzle of innuendo, and the usual topping of airline-related chit chat in the Twitter round-up

'Either England or Australia'
'Either England or Australia'

Piercing Ashes predictions, travel-related gripes, a new paperboy, and a conspicuous absence of fried chicken

'I'd pay good money to hear him read 50 Shades of Grey'
'I'd pay good money to hear him read 50 Shades of Grey'

Jimmy Neesham fantasises, even as those tough Aussies have issues with their pillows and Farhaan Behardien discovers the joys of home-cooked food. Twitter reveals all

'About to pare a pair of pears'
'About to pare a pair of pears'

Hunger pangs rule our latest Twitter round-up

'Well, that escalated quickly!'
'Well, that escalated quickly!'

It's our all-singing, all-dancing, Nando's-frequenting, chocolate-eating look at what cricketers have been saying on Twitter

'One giraffe doesn't make a summer'
'One giraffe doesn't make a summer'

Food appreciation, TV show critiquing, and other wild, unhinged stuff in our Twitter round-up

'Yes, I have always had a massive chin'
'Yes, I have always had a massive chin'

Confessions and encyclopaedic info in our Twitter round-up

When KP walked into a tree
When KP walked into a tree

And other mishaps in our Twitter round-up

What's the first thing you do when you win a World Cup semi?
What's the first thing you do when you win a World Cup semi?

Herewith the answer to that , and more Twitter wit and wisdom than you can shake a stick at

'Fancy a game in Japan on the way home?'
'Fancy a game in Japan on the way home?'

Advice, support, jibes, and forearm grooming feature in our latest Twitter round-up

2019 World Cup format set in stone, but maybe not
2019 World Cup format set in stone, but maybe not

Governing body could allow Associates to play a parallel tournament and keep everyone happy (though really only India)

'I don't care about your protein pancakes'
'I don't care about your protein pancakes'

Yodaspeak, trolling and sarcasm find you will in our latest Twitter round-up

Jason Holder is in charge
Jason Holder is in charge

When it comes to dealing with his independent-minded players, the West Indies captain is a mixture of strict, cajoling and totally grown-up