Appalling
June 2005: The Log
Leslie Mathew
09-Nov-2005
May 1
Rain delays at the Antigua Test and umpire Simon Taufel is not a happy man. To the rescue sails Brent "Billy" Bowden, with his best rasta impression. "I'm just telling him to cool man, chill man," Billy recalls about how he handled his mate, before adding - and this is the crucial part - "because back in the dressing-room we have a double bed" Oh, Billy!
Rain delays at the Antigua Test and umpire Simon Taufel is not a happy man. To the rescue sails Brent "Billy" Bowden, with his best rasta impression. "I'm just telling him to cool man, chill man," Billy recalls about how he handled his mate, before adding - and this is the crucial part - "because back in the dressing-room we have a double bed" Oh, Billy!
May 3
`Tis a time of hurts, resentments and remembered slights. Ridley Jacobs, after having shocked the world with the announcement that Brian Lara was a bad influence on the West Indies side, sets his last bridge alight. "I would not go back, even if they asked," he says huffily, before revealing that he had long ago realised "they didn't care about me." The softie.
`Tis a time of hurts, resentments and remembered slights. Ridley Jacobs, after having shocked the world with the announcement that Brian Lara was a bad influence on the West Indies side, sets his last bridge alight. "I would not go back, even if they asked," he says huffily, before revealing that he had long ago realised "they didn't care about me." The softie.
Ricky Ponting meanwhile finds that now is as good a time as any to reveal that he still carries scars from the last Ashes. "I still can't understand why it was like that," Punter says, a tear running down his cheek. "I can't even remember Nasser showing his face in our rooms after the last Test of the series in Sydney, which they won. That was bewildering to us."
May 10
To Kevin Pietersen's fetching strokeplay and rotten hair, add a further virtue: a nice line in perceptive analysis. Pietersen declares that Graeme Smith has "no wit", and further that "I don't think he's too intelligent, actually."
To Kevin Pietersen's fetching strokeplay and rotten hair, add a further virtue: a nice line in perceptive analysis. Pietersen declares that Graeme Smith has "no wit", and further that "I don't think he's too intelligent, actually."
May 13
The good lord save us from Steve-da, that unstoppable honorary Bengali. Dexterously popping a rossogolla into his mouth, selecting a hilsa for day-after-tomorrow's supper, and leaping into a passing tram, Tugga announces his plans for world domination, i.e. a cricket city on the outskirts of Kolkata. Didn't they teach him at Bhadralok for Dummies that capitalism is, in fact, bad? For shame, Tugga.
The good lord save us from Steve-da, that unstoppable honorary Bengali. Dexterously popping a rossogolla into his mouth, selecting a hilsa for day-after-tomorrow's supper, and leaping into a passing tram, Tugga announces his plans for world domination, i.e. a cricket city on the outskirts of Kolkata. Didn't they teach him at Bhadralok for Dummies that capitalism is, in fact, bad? For shame, Tugga.
May 15
Retiring match referee Gundappa Viswanath thinks New Zealand are "a disciplined side. They play the game in good spirit." Giggle!
Retiring match referee Gundappa Viswanath thinks New Zealand are "a disciplined side. They play the game in good spirit." Giggle!
Meanwhile, Mike Atherton, indulges in some discreet, classy sledging with an eye on the long term - say, 2037 or so: "At some stage, though, England will win back the Ashes," Athers writes, before asking with concern: "And would you like to be the Australian captain on whose watch it happens?" Subtle, that Athers.
May 17
"It's appalling, pathetic and utterly predictable," that's what it is. It must be, for Ian Botham says so, and he should know, for there's nothing you learn from long hours of sitting next to Bob Willis in a commentary box as much as a healthy respect for the appalling, the pathetic and the utterly predictable. Turns out he's talking about Kev P's omission from the squad against the mighty Bangladesh. Hmph.
"It's appalling, pathetic and utterly predictable," that's what it is. It must be, for Ian Botham says so, and he should know, for there's nothing you learn from long hours of sitting next to Bob Willis in a commentary box as much as a healthy respect for the appalling, the pathetic and the utterly predictable. Turns out he's talking about Kev P's omission from the squad against the mighty Bangladesh. Hmph.
May 18
The ICC sends chills down spines with the terrifying announcement that "No bowler is ever cleared for life." Brrrr.
The ICC sends chills down spines with the terrifying announcement that "No bowler is ever cleared for life." Brrrr.
May 21
Aussie trainer Jock Campbell bans the drinking of alcohol on the flight from Brisbane to London, thereby effectively ruining the only contest cricket fans could have expected from the Ashes summer. So much for the glorious bloody uncertainties of cricket. "Boonie's record is pretty safe," fresh-faced Michael Clarke pipes up, adding further that, "you have to be an athlete to be a cricketer". Thanks for sharing, Pup.
Aussie trainer Jock Campbell bans the drinking of alcohol on the flight from Brisbane to London, thereby effectively ruining the only contest cricket fans could have expected from the Ashes summer. So much for the glorious bloody uncertainties of cricket. "Boonie's record is pretty safe," fresh-faced Michael Clarke pipes up, adding further that, "you have to be an athlete to be a cricketer". Thanks for sharing, Pup.
Leslie Mathew is a senior deputy editor at ESPNcricinfo