February 14, 2014

The Ballad of the Unsold Englishman

A representative of an unfairly ignored constituency gives vent in verse

"I mean, what is wrong with you people?" © Getty Images

Look, I am not saying that paying so much for him is a crime

But surely Yuvi is slightly beyond his prime?

Why not spend much less on a fully fit foreigner-wink wink

Who can pose for fairness cream, underwear or energy drink?

So come on Mr Mallya, why not pick up your paddle

And put an Englishman with experience in the RCB saddle?

Just FYI, I have a certificate in Bollywood dance

Imagine the opportunities for cross-marketing this will enhance

Of course I fully understand the logic in picking Finch

But is explosive batting enough if a cup you want to clinch?

VVS Laxman, why not classily glance in this direction

And complement Finch's fury with a prime West Midlands selection?

What I love about India is the ancient culture on every street

I am not a neo-colonial firang who complains about food and heat.
Who is Ben Cutting? Never heard of the little shit
Just checked his Cricinfo profile. One T20 wicket! Typical Aussie tit

Come on Shilpa Shetty, you can do better than that guy!

Hum press conference main thoduh thoduh Hindi bohl sucktah hai

Pujara? Really? I don't need your stupid league

Glamorgan will gladly have me back. Fed up of this intrigue

LOL! Yusuf Pathan just got purchased by the Kolkata team

Don't ask me why, maybe in Kolkata winning is too mainstream?

Look Ms Chawla, you need to step back a bit,
And see if you are overlooking an obvious overseas hit?

So I have 95% decided to try county cricket again

The IPL's loss could well turn out to be English cricket's gain

Who knows, maybe the national selectors will give me a look

Added bonus? I avoid the heat, food, corruption and Shastri (puke)

Hey Delhi Daredevils, congrats on that Dinesh Karthik coup
Can you pass me whatever you are smoking, and a lighter too?

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

Chennai has bought Nehra for two crores

!@£$ you, IPL auction

Sidin Vadukut is a columnist and editor with Mint, and the author of the Dork trilogy

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Balaji on February 15, 2014, 13:30 GMT

    Humorous. But on a more serious note, there is an issue of English players availability for the full IPL. This is possibly the same reason why Pakistani players are not picked up. If they are not available, not only does it affect team balance, but it is also money down the drain. If people recall, in 2009, Pakistan players were not allowed to play IPL. The teams replaced them after settling the Pakistan players contract, and when the IPL was shifted to SA, the Pakistan players wanted back in. They obviously could not be accomodated. It is only a hard nosed commercial decision.

  • Dummy4 on February 15, 2014, 6:31 GMT

    Haha very good, although the English players need to ensure they are available for the whole season if they want to get a lucrative IPL contract. Should probably start the county season over here later really and then players can play in both.

    It IS frustrating for the better English players I'm sure, particularly when you see the kind of money even second rate players have made in India, but it's all down to them to sort something out with their counties.

    Only thing I didn't like was the dig at Yuvraj (yes I know it was a joke, but think about what he's been through. Nobody can begrudge him this).

  • kundan on February 14, 2014, 14:46 GMT

    Man! This is epic!!! I don't if some comments here are because they don't understand sarcasm or they are being sarcastic about the sarcasm...bout honestly I didn't expect it would turn out this good...especially the last four lines. First time I loved your article...tooo goood.

  • Sagarneel on February 14, 2014, 11:54 GMT

    Is the dork trilogy an autobiography of the author?

  • Dummy4 on February 14, 2014, 9:22 GMT

    Poetry or no, I would've expected a journalistic standard of something higher than puerile profanity. Are you 15? "Never heard of the little sh*t"? Seriously?

  • Simon on February 14, 2014, 4:44 GMT

    Yawn. (need to have 25 chars)

  • sai on February 14, 2014, 3:40 GMT

    What have England done at the T-20 level for them to be entitled to be picked by the IPL for those high base prices and full availability a question too? The 2010 world cup win was all KP and he has been picked up for 1.5 Mil USD. Everyone else is in it only for the money and would run off to play test cricket if they get the chance. The franchises did the right thing in my opinion.

  • a on February 14, 2014, 3:24 GMT

    I just find the English players so dull and boring. Watching them play puts me to sleep. The only guy who has any kind of audience pull is KP.

  • Dummy4 on February 13, 2014, 22:52 GMT

    This "Vadukut" clearly has his head up his ass! To call a high class performing cricketer 'shit' simply because he has no knowledge of him, is brainless ignorance at it's worse. Do the cricketing world a favour and stand in front of a speeding vehicle!

  • Sudhir on February 13, 2014, 22:02 GMT

    Feel sad that good English and other players have missed out. But it is IPL/BCCI's and Indian fans' loss as well. After 6 years of existence, IPL should have expanded to 12 teams but it has been shrunk into 8 (from original 10). If IPL had 10 or 12 teams, 50 to 100 more players would get a chance to play.

    India, especially the smaller towns, do have the appetite and market for IPL teams. It is IPL board's own disorganization and corruption that has left them with 2 to 4 less teams today. And that too with a big cloud of disintegrity and corruption hanging over them. As a big IPL fan, because I get to see top players in live action, I do hope IPL expands further.

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