The Heavy Ball
Dandy handles
West Indies cricket may have hit rock bottom but their players' names are undeniably splendid
Jarrod Kimber
30-Sep-2009
There are people who are up in arms about the West Indies sending out a third-grade team in place of the normal underachievers they pick. "They is ruining my favourite tournament," said the crazy bearded guy who yells at his dog from down the road. The West Indies board obviously doesn't care about sullying the good name of the ICC by picking this team for such an "important" tournament.
This is a Champions Trophy, so it has pissed off some people that seven teams have picked their best players and one team has done a lucky dip. Others are angry that Bangladesh beat this current West Indies line-up and they didn't get the call up.
I can understand people's anger. Other than fulfilling the role of the minnow of this tournament (a worthy role), West Indies do seem to have no redeeming features.
Full postSex, lies and a captain you can smoke
It's not all fun and games - the sex dossier has given rise to a few complications for the Indian side
Anand Ramachandran
26-Sep-2009
While the "have sex before playing cricket" clause in the now-famous leaked Gary "The Monk of Bonk" Kirsten dossier has led to much embarrassment for the Indian cricket team, it has also created an unexpected backlash. Apparently the Indian players' wives and girlfriends have retaliated with a "play cricket before having sex" clause of their own.
"In the interests of better performance, we insist that our men play some good, hard cricket before having sex," said one of the team India WAGs. The players' wives and girlfriends were speaking at the inauguration of the BCCI - Babes for Cricket before Copulation in India - a new body (heh heh) that will ensure the new suggestions are implemented.
"Well, at least Kirsten is asking us to have sex before cricket, and the ladies are asking us to play cricket before sex. Until now, we were only taking instructions from the BCCI, which always asks us to play cricket before (and after) playing cricket," said skipper MS Dhoni, who did not want to be named. (Oops.) "Oh, the original BCCI, not the new one," he clarified with his trademark mischievous grin.
Full postShocking ignorance, controversy and the Heimlich manoeuvre
Why wins and losses in the World Twenty20 are all the IPL's fault… er, perk… whatever
Anand Ramachandran
25-Sep-2009
The World Twenty20 is now down to the final game - either Pakistan or Sri Lanka will be crowned champions later today.
Pakistan captain Younis Khan apparently has not realised that his team is in the final. He started off the press conference after their semi by saying, "We apologise to our fans for the disappointing performance. We promise we will bounce back and do better next time." When confused reporters pointed out to him that his team was still in the tournament, he looked surprised and then grinned "Oh? We're in the finals? That's great then. Sorry - force of habit, all that apologising for a crummy show."
When faced with the question of how he could possibly not know that his own team had reached the finals of the tournament, he said, "You see, I've been really busy playing for Pakistan, so I have no time to watch cricket. I don't even have time to catch the newspapers or browse the internet. So how do you expect me to know?"
Full postSo you think you can retire from Tests?
Retiring from specific formats of the game is so yesterday. There are plenty of other things waiting to be retired from
Anand Ramachandran
23-Sep-2009
After the spate of recent retirements from specific forms of the game (Ricky Ponting from Twenty20s, Chaminda Vaas and Andrew Flintoff from Tests), cricket is now witnessing a bizarre outbreak of retirements from even more specific aspects of the game.
Indian allrounder Irfan Pathan has retired from bowling to focus on his batting. In a press release Pathan said, "With immediate effect, I announce my retirement from all forms of bowling such as pace, swing, medium pace and unintentional spin, which I have been bowling of late. I will continue to be available for selection as a batsman." Pathan feels that being considered as a batsman will improve his chances of making it to team India. "Everyone knows that I'm a better batsman than Virat Kohli or S Badrinath, although I have to admit that they may be marginally better bowlers," he quipped, showing that, unlike his swing, his sense of humour had not deserted him.
In an even more interesting development, umpire Rudi Koertzen has retired from giving lbw decisions. "No more of that crummy leg-before stuff for me, mate. You've got to listen to your body when it tells you: 'Rudi, there's no way you can figure this out if you haven't done so in over a decade of umpiring. Time to hang up that forefinger,' said Koertzen, conjuring up some rather macabre imagery. Koertzen will now concentrate purely on bowled, run-out and caught-behind decisions, apart from focusing on not being constantly referred to by Indian fans as "Kirsten".
Full postThe best tournament in the world (ever)
Why the Champions Trophy is nearly as good as seeing Natalie Portman naked
Jarrod Kimber
22-Sep-2009
The Ashes degraded itself this year by allowing two useless teams to play in it. The World Twenty20 was so boring, India never turned up for it. Australia took on South Africa for the world No. 1 Test spot; 12 people turned up to watch. And no one remembers how Deccan won the IPL.
That is because all these tournaments and series were just warm-ups for the one tournament that stands above the rest and spits down on them in arrogant contempt.
I personally haven't had so much anticipation for a single event since I found out Natalie Portman was going to appear naked in Hotel Chevalier.
Full postA cunning Ashes plan, and the greatest batsman ever
How England are getting a headstart on their priority series by flopping in the Twenty20
Anand Ramachandran
13-Jun-2009
As we get into the Super Eights stage of the World Twenty20, teams that have had less than ideal beginnings to their campaigns are refusing to panic, deciding instead to focus on the positive aspects of their poor performances.
Hosts England and defending champions India have had poor starts, losing their games to South Africa and West Indies respectively.
"Since Australia has cunningly exited the tournament early to prepare for the Ashes, we decided that the smart thing to do is negate their advantage by following suit," said England captain Paul Collingwood, looking impossibly pleased with himself. "We look forward to getting our backsides kicked by India and the West Indies as well, so we can start working in earnest towards our embarrassing Ashes loss," he added with admirable honesty.
Full postWhy Australia lost, and the perils of being a commentator
Manjrekar and Co. get confused, Ponting and Co. get packing
Anand Ramachandran
09-Jun-2009
One week into the World Twenty20, and already England have been upset by Netherlands, Bangladesh have been upset by Ireland, and Australia have been upset by the fact that they suck at Twenty20 cricket.
The big news of the tournament is the early exit of heavyweights Australia, who were soundly thrashed by Sri Lanka and West Indies to be bundled out in the group stage. "I really can't think of a reason why we lost," said Ricky Ponting, the captain, after the Sri Lanka game, choosing to overlook rather obvious ones such as Chris Gayle rearranging Brett Lee's figures, Ajantha Mendis rearranging Ponting's own stumps, and Andrew Symonds rearranging his personal priorities in favour of a few pints at the local pub over playing in a World Cup. "Aha! I've got it. We're no longer coached by John Buchanan! No, wait… ," he signed off, leaving hurriedly to prepare for the Ashes.
Statisticians have revealed that West Indies captain Chris Gayle, in the game against Australia, performed the unprecedented feat of racing to 50 when the team total was only 39. Gayle told interviewers that he also looks forward to becoming the first man to score a century before his team does. "Yeahmonisreellycoolwhenuscorsofaaaasthanobo ahdyseeeseetcominyouknowwhaaimsayin?" he said with a grin.
Full postThe key to momentum
How one well-padded Englishman has proved a huge positive for his team - in more ways than one
Alex Bowden
08-Jun-2009
England are always keen to take the positives from any match, and their ability to take "momentum" seems to be entirely unaffected by trivialities such as whether they actually win or not. This is more apparent than ever following their first two matches in the World Twenty20. You might think that they'd have taken the biggest positives and gained most momentum from the crucial victory over Pakistan last night, but you'd be wrong. In reality, the biggest positive came during the loss to Netherlands, when they also found a huge source of momentum that could potentially sustain them for years.
The huge positive that England took from that match was that Owais Shah and Luke Wright broke the world record for Most Nervous Energy Expended in a Single Over during the short period they were at the crease together. Wright jerks his head around so violently between balls he's like a particularly nervous chicken who's been hitting the espressos all morning. Owais Shah inflicts a vice-like grip on the handle of his bat and then beats it into the pitch with such force he must knock the turf unconscious. It doesn't seem too far-fetched to say that Shah owes his relatively lofty first-class batting average to playing the bulk of his cricket on dead pitches that he himself has murdered. Between the pair of them, they expended 16,000 tics (the unit of measurement for nervous energy) during Peter Borren's second over. In cricketing terms, this achievement was largely worthless, but breaking world records can't help but be a morale booster. England will feel they can build on this.
For momentum, England need look no further than Robert Key's majestic - nay, balletic - diving stop at the boundary edge, which saved a run midway through Netherlands' chase. He had given willing chase down to deep point and at the last moment launched himself into a spectacular, skittering belly slide, scooping the ball back to Broad as he roared past it. Whether Key actually prevented the ball crossing the boundary, or merely ploughed the boundary away from the ball is a moot point. What's more pertinent is that he undeniably had momentum. Plenty of it.
Full postThe IPL has left the building
No hugs from a Bollywood leading lady, no former Aussies to rely on, no illegal betting and no more KKR. Yawn
Anand Ramachandran
04-Jun-2009
After the loud and over-the-top assault on the senses that was the IPL, the build-up to the World Twenty20 was always going to be a rather subdued affair. And many of cricket's top stars are already feeling the difference.
India's Twenty20 star Yuvraj Singh has said playing the World Twenty20 will be significantly different from the experience of playing the IPL. "Things will be very different - no idiotic closing ceremony featuring impromptu bhangra from Lalit Modi, no wild after-parties, no post-match hugs from Preity Zinta," he said, before adding, "Wonder who will hug us after we win matches? Gary Kirsten? Shashank Manohar? Must find out."
Australia captain Ricky Ponting has expressed confidence ahead of the tournament. "Some of the world's best Twenty20 players are Australians - Matty Hayden, Adam Gilchrist, Shane Warne, Dirk Nannes. We expect to do very well and are confident about our chances," he said. When informed that none of these players are representing Australia at the tournament, he replied, quite logically "So what? Don Bradman, the greatest Test match batsman ever, never played for us in the 90s, but that didn't stop us from being the world's best team, did it?
Full postA shadow reveals all, and the IPL gets animated
At last, the dastardly blogger is brought to light. Sort of
21-May-2009
With the Fake IPL player "revealing" his identity by publishing the now-famous shadowy video, the Kolkata Knight Riders team has immediately swung into action to eliminate him. "Ah. Now we know - it has been a shadow all along. Anyway, this ends now. We are currently installing diffused lighting in all corners of our dressing room so that no shadows will be cast. Ha ha ha, he has nowhere to hide!" said a smug-looking John Buchanan. "As Sun Tzu pointed out, a man must not even trust his own shadow," he added, looking daggers at his own delectably long umbra-penumbra combo on the wall behind him. The lights are being installed by a 22-member team of electricians being specially flown down from Queensland for the purpose.
Team owner Shah Rukh Khan has also come out strongly against the shadowy blogger. "I knew it couldn't have been a human being, like me, who did this. Good human beings, like me, would, as I would, have a great regard for other people, who are human beings just like me, instead of focusing solely on their own selfish needs, like I do. Er, scratch the last bit," said SRK, straining every facial muscle in order to frown, smile and look mildly concerned all at once. "Shadows, on the other hand, being merely negative projections that are created due to a light source being blocked by an opaque object, have no such qualms," he signed off with a kindergarten-science flourish.
"I suppose this is the first time that a shadow has thrown light on something. Heh heh," said smiling KKR skipper Brendon McCullum. "On reflection, I think our darkest days are behind us. I hope next year's results don't mirror this year's, so that we can shine in all departments of the game," he quipped, displaying an unexpected proficiency in making light-themed puns.
Full post