The Ashes: the sun is hot, the spiders are large, the trash talk is garbage

The build-up to an Ashes series is always a moment to treasure, as the great and the good (and the not-so-good) of two proud cricketing nations congregate in time-honoured fashion to swap searing barbs about the fate of a little terracotta pot - saying things like, "Your lot are no good, it's going to be 5-0!" and "Nuh uh, we're gonna win this time, just you wait and see!"

This was never more true than in The Age of Hot Takes, when anyone and everyone is jostling for airtime and even Daddles the Duck has his own YouTube channel. Anyway, to keep up with the torrent of insightful opinions and calmly considered critiques [Is this right? - Ed] the Light Roller has collected all the best definitely-not-made-up soundbites from the last few weeks in one place for your ease of perusal. Enjoy!

Lord Sir Ian of Beefyshire: "I don't know why everyone is talking about 'Bazball'. We didn't need that in my day. Just come over here, give the Aussies a good hiding, drink 15 pints and then go home in time for a guest spot in the panto at Weston-super-Mare. Anyone who says I'm wrong can meet me outside in the car park."

David Warner: "It's probably going to be 5-0 to Australia - unless you're counting MORAL VICTORIES, in which case it'll still be 5-0 BUT TO ENGLAND!!! Geddit?? But no, joking aside, it'll be either 4-0 or 3-1, depends if we run out of sandpaper."

Stuart Broad: [Pulls cork from bottle of wine] "I discussed this on my podcast over a glass of chardonnay recently, and I genuinely think it's going to be a really close series. The crowds are hostile, the conditions challenging. If you can win there, you've really earned yourself a celebratory rosé. And if not, you can wind everyone up by saying it didn't count because of Covid, or global warming, or something. They do make a good red, though, I'll give them that…"

Mitchell Johnson: "Yeah, so England have brought over all these quicks, but where are the dibbly-dobbly guys? The ankle-biters. That's what scares me."

Geoffrey Boycott: "If they're not playing three months of warm-up games, I can't see how they can compete. My grandma could tell you that, and she couldn't so much as hit an orange with a rolled-up pinny. Now, don't get me started on covered pitches."

Michael Clarke: "Get ready for a broken f****n microphone."

Nasser Hussain: "We've won the toss, we'll have a bowl…"

Henry Blofeld: "My dear old thing. It's the Ashes, isn't it? Unless it's a slice of cake, of course. Either way, splendid fun!"

Kerry Packer: "Who's this broadcaster, TNT? Sounds like those boys could do with a stick of dynamite up them, haw-haw!"

Frederick Spofforth: "WG Grace is a CHEAT, d'you hear me!?!?!?"

Elsewhere, the West Australian newspaper has been enjoying its moment in the spotlight, taking full advantage of the quadrennial opportunity to boost its readership and prove print is not dead by repeatedly plastering the front page with pictures of English players coming through Perth arrivals. Not only is this a gracious nod to the pulling power of Bazball but, in the words of Ben Stokes, "It's unbelievable journalism to get that much information out of a bloke pushing a suitcase through an airport, so fair play." And as an organ that prides itself on being the standard bearer in unbelievable journalism, the Light Roller can only salute their efforts.

Not only is Mohsin Naqvi continuing to look after the Asia Cup on behalf of India, whether they want him to or not, the head of the PCB (and the ACC and Pakistan's interior ministry) has also stepped in to put a brotherly arm around Sri Lanka's cricketers. After the visitors were warned by SLC that bailing out of their tour of Pakistan on security grounds would trigger a "formal review" - presumably wanting to steer clear of terrorists warrants a check in the box marked "not a team player" - it was Naqvi who rocked up at the team hotel to allay concerns (see, politics and sport do mix). Sri Lanka's players gamely agreed to stay on, while Sri Lanka's board became the latest to be outflanked by the PCB's intrepid administrator-in-chief.