Matt Cleary
One big muddle, 23 million solutions
Once upon a time, selecting the Australia Test XI was a straightforward business but, nowadays, you could ask everyone in the country and get an entirely different team from each of the them. Here's mine
Matt Cleary
29-Mar-2013
Once upon a time, the Australian Test team was as easy to pick as a North Korean election. Because, like North Korean elections, there was no election - it was just selected by divine right.
The top order was Hayden, Langer, Ponting, Martyn and the Waugh twins. Gilly "The Amazing" had the gloves and the license to tonk. There followed: Warney; Binga; Dizzy; and Ooh-Ah McGrath. Quality bowlers, sure. But they had highest Test scores of 99, 64, 201 not out (oh, Diz, you keep me young) and 61 respectively.
So yes, one of the great sides and just about unbeatable. And after 16 straight Test wins they even called themselves that - "The Unbeatables". Sure, a bit naff. But there you go. They're cricket nerds not Muhammad Ali.
Full postDeciphering the myths of sledging
From Steve Waugh telling Herschelle Gibbs he's dropped the World Cup to Ian Healy's "Mars Bar" sledge, many infamous cricket yarns have taken on lives of their own - to the point that some seem to have been completely fabricated
Matt Cleary
21-Mar-2013
Got it again the other day. The email of those famous cricket "sledges". You know the one: Steve Waugh telling Herschelle Gibbs he dropped the World Cup, Ian Healy telling Arjuna Ranatunga he wasn't allowed a runner because he's overly fond of Mars Bars. All that.
Like electronic Chinese whispers these yarns have morphed and taken on lives of their own, becoming urban legends featuring any of a dozen cricketers per story. And in these days of the high-speed gossip medium called the Internet, with the malarkey zapping about at 47-million zetabytes per second, by the time the last person in the chain receives the message, Mark Waugh is giving Eddo Brandes' wife a packet of biscuits. Or whatever. But substantiated it is not. Until now.
A few years ago I went to the source - the principles of these tales - and asked them: did this happen? What I found may surprise and it may not. Arjuna doesn't like Mars Bars and Merv Hughes is a very funny man.
Full postThe most bizarre of punishments
Dear sweet Superman, Moses and Mr Lillee, is this fair dinkum? Have they really stood down four blokes because they didn't do an assignment? From the Australian Test team? A team down 0-2 in a four-Test series in India?
Matt Cleary
15-Mar-2013
Years ago, when the opinion first festered beneath Shane Warne's peroxide roots that a coach is what should take the team from hotel to ground, John Buchanan took the Australian cricket team on a mystery trip into the wilds outside Dunedin on the South Island of New Zealand.
In a pair of mini-buses the party travelled over hill-and-dale, around the wild surf coast, past bathing sea lions and other creatures on a secret trip with an unstated destination. What could it be, wondered the players. Why would Coach Buck take us out here into the bush?
When it emerged that Buchanan had led the team off on a horizon-broadening exercise to gaze upon a rare albatross rookery, the species of bird with the largest wingspan in the world - and that so they rare was it they couldn't find said rookery - Warne revolted. That is it! Enough! For Warney, whose ornithological interests extended to what sauce he'd put on his Chicken McNuggets, it was beyond the pale.
Full postThe worst Australians since the last lot
Australia need to make changes to the team of lumberjacks that have chopped themselves down in India - but those yukking it up in England should know that we've seen worse and haven't given up on the Ashes yet
Matt Cleary
08-Mar-2013
Well. That was bad. Back-to-back obliterations against India; a top-order more clueless than George Bush on Mastermind; spinners who don't. Chowed down upon in Chennai. The Horror Show of Hyderabad. It's been emotional. And even embarrassing.
But the worst Australian team ever? Please.
I can think of two others.
Full postWhat the Australians think of Sachin
When Sachin Tendulkar walks out to bat on cricket grounds in India, each one erupts like Old Trafford when Wayne Rooney's scored the winner
Matt Cleary
27-Feb-2013
As those who watched each ball of his finely-sculpted 81 in the first Test against Australia in Chennai can attest, when Sachin Tendulkar walks out to bat on cricket grounds in India, each one erupts like Old Trafford when Wayne Rooney's scored the winner.
Everyone's up - fans, vendors, security, police, the chief of police. People can't help it. Sachin is bigger than Elvis incarnate, more popular than free money. When he gets off the mark it's like New Year's Eve. When he hits a boundary it's like he's saved the world. And when he notches up a hundred with a six - as he's done four times in Tests - the noise is like he's dinkum brought back Gandhi.
And when he gets out, you couldn't cut the stunned disbelief with Rambo's best Bowie knife. You heard it when Nathan Lyon spun one between bat and pad and bowled him - totally, completely, pin-drop mute. The Master is out? How can this be? The only sound was 11 Australians in white, exhorting. Got him! Yes!
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