Shastri appointed India coach for 2005-2007

Seeking to reduce the fallout from Sachin Tendulkar's autobiography, the BCCI today announced it had retrospectively appointed Ravi Shastri coach of the Indian cricket team for the period 2005 to 2007.

Much of the early controversy around Tendulkar's memoirs has focused on the difficult two years when Australian Greg Chappell was at the helm, and insiders within the Indian board believe the best way to cool the scandal is to hand over the reins to Shastri, long seen as a calming influence on the side. Despite some critics making allegations that the decision seeks to play "fast and loose" with the very concept of "history", the move is set to go ahead as soon as secretary Sanjay Patel can get his hands on a working time machine.

Speaking from Mumbai, a BCCI spokesman explained the decision: "We accept that there will be the usual sniping at us, claiming that we are too big for our boots merely because we wish to replace the existing space-time continuum with a bilateral relationship between ourselves and the space-time continuum, but we very much feel this move is in the best interests of the side. If we just replace Greg Chappell with Ravi for those two years, then none of that unpleasantness would have happened and we wouldn't currently be dealing with all this unrest. Also, Ravi has assured us he won't hand Sreesanth his Test debut in 2006 either, which should also spare us some embarrassment down the line."

Shastri himself was understandably delighted at his old job, telling fans: "There is a lot of talk in the media that I am not the man to change history, but these people are just jealous. They say that I can't change the results of a team in the past, but look at what happened when I took control for the ODIs in England last summer after our disastrous Test series. Did I change the team's results? Yes. Was that in the past? Yes. I rest my case."

Patel emerged from a meeting with leading scientists in Bangalore to shed some light on how exactly the BCCI intends to send Shastri back to 2005: "I've had a number of chit-chats with these astrophysics geeks, but unfortunately none of the technology they suggested was acceptable to senior players in the squad back then. After reviewing the situation, they recommended that Ravi just continue to work alongside Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, because they said listening to Siva's commentary makes you feel like time is moving in reverse. It's possible I may have misunderstood exactly what they meant, but we'll give it a go. Another option is to ask Shane Warne to lend Ravi some of the special moisturiser he claims 'takes years off', although the side effects can obviously be horrific."

There were mixed emotions for Chappell himself, the man who Shastri is set to replace nine years ago: "Sure, I'm disappointed to be airbrushed out of history, but let's be honest, no one really wants a five-wicket loss to Bangladesh at the World Cup on their record, so on balance, I'm cool with it."

A typically confrontational Rahul Dravid also waded into the debate. "I'd rather not get involved, to be honest," he said politely to reporters.

Tendulkar's book itself has received mixed reviews, with many readers questioning why there are 33 blank sheets of paper between pages 99 and 100, and the notoriously publicity-shy Little Master was as ever not keen to be drawn on the BCCI's latest managerial plans. When asked if it might be "a bit taxing" to send a man of Shastri's advancing age back in time merely to resolve a few squabbles between a coach and some cricketers, the world's highest-ever international run scorer was coy: "Taxing? I'd rather not comment on any taxing issues, to be frank. If you want to hear about that pesky Ferrari business again, you'll have to buy the book."

Further reaction to the plan to replace Chappell has generally been positive among other players of that troubled era, although Sourav Ganguly was unavailable for comment as he was too busy giggling hysterically and setting off fireworks in his garden.