Gayle and WICB struggle to adjust to life after conflict

Chris Gayle and the WICB are finding it a challenge getting used to life without the drawn-out, acrimonious conflict that gave their lives so much meaning over the past year or so, according to reports.

Rumour is that Gayle, finding himself suddenly plunged headfirst into an existential crisis, has even stopped referring to himself in the third person. Friends and family worry that this may be an indication of serious trauma.

"I'm feeling good today," Gayle tweeted. "In fact, I've never felt better and at such peace with the world. Wow, I hate myself."

Experts agree that the situation is serious and possibly life-threatening. "It's quite possible that Mr Gayle has lost all reason for living," said Dr Ernest Hilaire. "God knows I certainly have."

Hilaire, who is also CEO of the West Indies Cricket Board and widely recognised as Gayle's nemesis in the hilarious public fallout between the star batsman and his board, went on to speak at length about his own troubles coming to terms with the end of the affair.

"Oh, I'm pretty much dead on the inside now," said Hilaire with a strange forced laugh. "I realised it the other night, when I went out to dinner with Gibson and Hunte. We started with a few customary jokes at the expense of West Indies cricket, and for a while it really did seem like everything was normal. But pretty soon it became obvious we were only kidding ourselves into believing that there was nothing wrong, that our very reason for being hadn't just been violently ripped out by the roots.

"I can pretend all I like, but there's no getting around the fact that I suddenly miss the good old days of bickering with Gayle and waiting for the apology that never comes. And now it would appear that that man won't stop apologising. I keep getting texts saying 'So sorry, Hilaire, Lol' or 'Hilaire + Gayle BFF Sweet!!' or 'Brad + Angelina = Brangelina. Chris + Ernest = Chrnest?' Suffice to say, by the end of the evening people had to stop me from walking outside and into traffic."

Coach Ottis Gibson expressed sympathy for his boss. "You have to understand that no matter how bad Dr Hilaire had it on any given day, he could always rely on the fact that Gayle was out of the West Indies team for no good reason whatsoever. Keeping Gayle out of the maroon shirt was a power thing for him. Now what does the old fella have to keep himself going?"

Sources close to Hilaire have confirmed that not only has Gayle repeatedly apologised to him via text message but that he had also friended him on Facebook and sent him a homemade musical "You complete me" Jerry Maguire e-card.

When asked to explain his actions, Gayle said that he was only trying desperately to fill the gaping hole he started feeling inside since he opted out of his contract with Somerset.

"Yep, that's a bunch of money down the hole right there," said Gayle. "But it's okay now, though, right? Because I've made up with Hilaire and am going to play cricket for the West Indies again. Right? Anyone? Hello, this is not a rhetorical question. I really need to know. Oh, for the love of God, won't someone please tell me that I've made the right decision?" he cried before adopting the fetal position and sticking his thumb in his mouth.

At the time of writing, there was still no comment on the matter from Dinanath Ramnarine, the former president of the West Indies players' association and evergreen thorn in the side of the WICB. Ramnarine's whereabouts remain unknown, though rumour has it that he has moved to Spain, where he was last seen marking his run-up before a series of giant windmills.